“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”

“People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.”

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

“Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.”

“It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

“Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.”

“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.”

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”