Have you ever waited for an event to occur with such anticipation that you thought you would burst before it happened?Anticipatory grief is the name given to the tumultuous set of feelings and reactions that occur when someone expects the death of a loved one. These emotions can be just as intense as the grief felt after a death occurs.Some Common Signs: Sadness, tearfulness Anger, resentment Loneliness, helplessness Anxiety, depression Guilt Desire to talk

What Is Anticipatory Grief? 

<figure><img alt="Blown dandelion clock on a blurred background" src="https://miro.medium.com/max/500/1*azybJ6SETeuUFWMry-FeGQ.jpeg" width="785" height="523"><figcaption class="ix iy cz cx cy iz ja ce b ga cg fi" data-selectable-paragraph="" dir="ltr">Blown dandelion | Image By <a href="https://www.shutterstock.com/g/Tomasz+Czajkowski" class="ck jb" rel="noopener nofollow" dir="ltr">Tomasz Czajkowski</a>, Shutterstock</figcaption></figure>The following story is written by Sheila Beasley, the mother of Lisa Bradburn.<h2 data-selectable-paragraph="">Waiting For An Event To Unfold</h2>Have you ever waited for an event to occur with such anticipation that you thought you would burst before it happened? As a little four-year-old girl, living in rural England, waiting for my Grandparents to arrive. The anticipation I felt was almost too much to bear. Their visit brought visions of luxurious and decadent food items to mind, sweets, fruit, cakes, and things that lower-income, struggling families never dared to dream of. I stood on the side of the road waiting for their familiar little Mini Cooper to appear on the horizon, and the excitement of what lay ahead caused my tummy to tie in knots. Anticipation has that physical effect.When I stop to think about it, I realize we spend most of our lives in anticipation. From the cradle to the grave, we are always waiting for something to happen.As children, we eagerly await the first day of school (and it isn’t always met with joyful anticipation,) a birthday, Christmas, the birth of a new baby brother or sister.Some of what we anticipate may not be pleasant, for instance, the death of a grandparent, the loss of a parent due to divorce, or death.When outcomes are inevitable, anticipation grows momentum.As we get older, we anticipate many occasions in our lives, some eagerly and some with dread, but it seems there is always something unknown ahead waiting to change our lives.Anticipation can be filled with joyful, exciting emotions, or it can be rife with a plethora of anxiety-producing feelings of dread, uncertainty, sadness, helplessness, and loss. Anticipatory grief falls into this category.<h2 data-selectable-paragraph="">What Is Anticipatory Grief?</h2>Anticipatory grief is the name given to the tumultuous set of feelings and reactions that occur when someone expects the death of a loved one. These emotions can be just as intense as the grief felt after a death occurs.Not everyone experiences anticipatory grief, and that is neither good nor bad.Experiencing this type of grief does not necessarily lessen the actual grieving process once a loved one has passed. However, some people report that the actual grieving process was not as difficult as the anticipation of death.Often when we receive the news that a loved one is terminally ill or an aged parent or grandparent reaches the end stages of life, we begin to grieve in anticipation.The five stages <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model" rel="noopener nofollow" dir="ltr">model of grief</a> — <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial" rel="noopener nofollow" dir="ltr">denial</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anger" rel="noopener nofollow" dir="ltr">anger</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bargaining" rel="noopener nofollow" dir="ltr">bargaining</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_(mood)" rel="noopener nofollow" dir="ltr">depression</a>, and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance" rel="noopener nofollow" dir="ltr">acceptance</a>, as proposed by <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_K%C3%BCbler-Ross" rel="noopener nofollow" dir="ltr">Elisabeth Kübler-Ross</a>– describes the process people undergo after learning of their diagnosis of a terminal illness.<h2 data-selectable-paragraph="">Common Signs of Anticipatory Grief</h2>There is no one symptom of anticipatory grief; any of the following emotions and sensations can be experienced:<UL><LI>Sadness, tearfulness</LI><LI>Anger, resentment</LI><LI>Loneliness, helplessness</LI><LI>Anxiety, depression</LI><LI>Guilt</LI><LI>Desire to talk</LI><LI>Fear</LI><LI>Fatigue</LI><LI>Emotional numbness or overwhelmed</LI><LI>Poor concentration/forgetfulness</LI></UL>Not only is grief individual impacting no two people the same, but the emotions may also ebb and flow, like waves on an ocean.<h2 data-selectable-paragraph="">Sheila’s Personal Experience With Anticipatory Grief</h2>Not long ago, I had the honor of caring for Helen, my ninety-nine-year-old mother-in-law, as she neared the end stages of life. I was incredibly close to Mom. Her son, my husband, and I had divorced, and he rarely visited her in the nursing home where she resided. I had recently retired and was able to see Helen often, sometimes daily.When the doctor told me she was palliative; I fell into a state of disbelief; even though Helen was failing in health, she was close to one hundred. The five stages of grief immediately impacted me as I began to anticipate life without this precious dear lady. The journey leading up to Helen’s passing was much more intense than the post-mortem path to recovery and healing. I began to go through the process of anticipatory grief to deal with her absence — even though Helen was still by my side. Here, I was grieving her loss that hadn’t yet even occurred!<figure><img alt="Sheila Beasley and Helen Winter" src="https://miro.medium.com/max/500/1*QsNbPxVbR_bjxLHlbdL_Eg.jpeg" width="680" height="680"><figcaption dir="auto">Helen Winter &amp; Sheila Beasley | Photo Sheila Beasley</figcaption></figure>I couldn’t imagine Christmas without Helen, nor Mother’s day, or any other special occasion. I had lost my mom at an early age, and so my mother-in-law became my stand-in, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye! In this mental state, I stayed at the nursing home with my ‘mom’ night and day for two weeks and grieved her impending passing with more intensity and pain than I felt when Helen took her final breath. In my mind, I imagined she would rally around and see her one-hundredth birthday and beyond and felt the doctor's prognosis was wrong, that Helen’s condition was merely a passing decline, one where she would be better soon. These days, many people live to one hundred or beyond, surely my mom would be one of them.To the human mind and emotions, anticipatory grief tends to cause an unbalance of sorts. The sensation can present a struggle between holding on to hope (however slim) and finally deciding to let go. Some people report experiencing a definite realization of a need to release, although fear may constitute hope. By default, some people feel giving up means a lack of loyalty, and instead embrace hope to such an extent they escape the process in its totality.<h2 data-selectable-paragraph="">How To Alleviate Anticipatory Grief?</h2>Coping with anticipatory grief is never easy, and even the most resilient can struggle. What can you do to alleviate the unbearable, all-consuming emotions of a loss not yet realized and find relief from anticipatory grief? Here are ways to prepare for the passing from a practical and emotional point of view.<OL><LI>Educate yourself about what the final stages of life could look like, depending on the illness or condition suffered. The process may help you to feel a sense of control.</LI><LI>Speak up. Talk to others who have experienced the same process, join a support group, or seek professional help.</LI><LI>Create lasting moments everyone will remember. The last days with a loved one can end with emotional turmoil. Where possible, try to create good memories, both for their sake and yours. Often those who are dying are aware of their finality, and so a sense of calm needs to prevail.</LI><LI>Prepare yourself for different outcomes regarding how the person who is dying faces their mortality. For example, some individuals may seek an opportunity to express their emotions, be open about their demise and speak words of love and tenderness to those they have loved. Others who face death do not want to accept their reality and never actually do.</LI></OL><h2 data-selectable-paragraph="">The Beauty Of Helen’s Last Days</h2>My mother-in-law became aware of the gravity of her condition and accepted her impending death days before she passed. Some of the moments we shared before her passing created the most precious and beautiful memories that I have of Helen.In her lucid moments, Helen expressed such tenderness and gratitude for all I had been in her life, and we reminisced about happier times. I arranged for her grandchildren to phone one last time, and she was able to tell them all that she loved them. Looming death changed her from someone who rarely showed affection, emotion, or gratitude into a loving, appreciative, caring soul who seemed to have softened immeasurably.<figure><img alt="Helen Winter" src="https://miro.medium.com/max/500/1*x3H9k8LzH2IzGq-HHVpZnA.jpeg" width="680" height="684"><figcaption dir="auto">Helen Winter | Photo Sheila Beasley</figcaption></figure>In the final days of Helen’s struggle to hang on, there was little dignity or modesty left. I grieved the healthy person she once was and longed for those days to return. I knew life held no joys for her any longer, so relief crept into those emotions as I sat beside her. At that moment, I hit the point of acceptance and the finality she was facing, yet continued to be caught in the grip of anticipatory grief.My sense of loss persisted until the final moment of Helen’s passing. At 1:45 A.M, when she drew her last breath, I felt such an array of emotions, it is hard to verbalize them all. A stabbing sense of finality and loss pierced my heart, and a guttural cry arose from the depths of my soul. At the same time, I also experienced a blessed sense of relief. It was over! Helen’s struggles were done. I would never again have to bargain with God to keep her here for one more day. When Helen’s time closed, my anticipatory grief turned the corner, and I met bereavement head-on.While there’s no straight line to recover from loss, you can move forward from each stage of grief. Drawing on inner strength, sharing your experience, and relying on family and friends' support help the pain lessen.More like this:

Have you ever waited for an event to occur with such anticipation that you thought you would burst before it happened? As a little four-year-old girl, living in rural England, waiting for my…

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

The following story is written by Sheila Beasley, the mother of Lisa Bradburn.

Have you ever waited for an event to occur with such anticipation that you thought you would burst before it happened? As a little four-year-old girl, living in rural England, waiting for my Grandparents to arrive. The anticipation I felt was almost too much to bear. Their visit brought visions of luxurious and decadent food items to mind, sweets, fruit, cakes, and things that lower-income, struggling families never dared to dream of. I stood on the side of the road waiting for their familiar little Mini Cooper to appear on the horizon, and the excitement of what lay ahead caused my tummy to tie in knots. Anticipation has that physical effect.

When I stop to think about it, I realize we spend most of our lives in anticipation. From the cradle to the grave, we are always waiting for something to happen.

As children, we eagerly await the first day of school (and it isn’t always met with joyful anticipation ,) a birthday, Christmas, the birth of a new baby brother or sister.

Some of what we anticipate may not be pleasant, for instance, the death of a grandparent, the loss of a parent due to divorce, or death.

When outcomes are inevitable, anticipation grows momentum.

As we get older, we anticipate many occasions in our lives, some eagerly and some with dread, but it seems there is always something unknown ahead waiting to change our lives.

Anticipation can be filled with joyful, exciting emotions, or it can be rife with a plethora of anxiety-producing feelings of dread, uncertainty, sadness, helplessness, and loss. Anticipatory grief falls into this category.

Anticipatory grief is the name given to the tumultuous set of feelings and reactions that occur when someone expects the death of a loved one. These emotions can be just as intense as the grief felt after a death occurs.

Not everyone experiences anticipatory grief, and that is neither good nor bad.

Experiencing this type of grief does not necessarily lessen the actual grieving process once a loved one has passed. However, some people report that the actual grieving process was not as difficult as the anticipation of death.

Often when we receive the news that a loved one is terminally ill or an aged parent or grandparent reaches the end stages of life, we begin to grieve in anticipation.

The five stages <a dir="ltr" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model" rel="noopener nofollow">model of grief </a>— <a dir="ltr" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial" rel="noopener nofollow">denial </a>, <a dir="ltr" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anger" rel="noopener nofollow">anger </a>, <a dir="ltr" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bargaining" rel="noopener nofollow">bargaining </a>, <a dir="ltr" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_(mood)" rel="noopener nofollow">depression </a>, and <a dir="ltr" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance" rel="noopener nofollow">acceptance </a>, as proposed by <a dir="ltr" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_K%C3%BCbler-Ross" rel="noopener nofollow">Elisabeth Kübler-Ross </a>– describes the process people undergo after learning of their diagnosis of a terminal illness.

There is no one symptom of anticipatory grief; any of the following emotions and sensations can be experienced:

<ul><li>Sadness, tearfulness </li><li>Anger, resentment </li><li>Loneliness, helplessness </li><li>Anxiety, depression </li><li>Guilt </li><li>Desire to talk </li><li>Fear </li><li>Fatigue </li><li>Emotional numbness or overwhelmed </li><li>Poor concentration/forgetfulness </li> </ul>

Not only is grief individual impacting no two people the same, but the emotions may also ebb and flow, like waves on an ocean.

Sheila’s Personal Experience With Anticipatory Grief

Not long ago, I had the honor of caring for Helen, my ninety-nine-year-old mother-in-law, as she neared the end stages of life. I was incredibly close to Mom. Her son, my husband, and I had divorced, and he rarely visited her in the nursing home where she resided. I had recently retired and was able to see Helen often, sometimes daily.

When the doctor told me she was palliative; I fell into a state of disbelief; even though Helen was failing in health, she was close to one hundred. The five stages of grief immediately impacted me as I began to anticipate life without this precious dear lady. The journey leading up to Helen’s passing was much more intense than the post-mortem path to recovery and healing. I began to go through the process of anticipatory grief to deal with her absence — even though Helen was still by my side. Here, I was grieving her loss that hadn’t yet even occurred!

I couldn’t imagine Christmas without Helen, nor Mother’s day, or any other special occasion. I had lost my mom at an early age, and so my mother-in-law became my stand-in, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye! In this mental state, I stayed at the nursing home with my ‘mom’ night and day for two weeks and grieved her impending passing with more intensity and pain than I felt when Helen took her final breath. In my mind, I imagined she would rally around and see her one-hundredth birthday and beyond and felt the doctor's prognosis was wrong, that Helen’s condition was merely a passing decline, one where she would be better soon. These days, many people live to one hundred or beyond, surely my mom would be one of them.

To the human mind and emotions, anticipatory grief tends to cause an unbalance of sorts. The sensation can present a struggle between holding on to hope (however slim) and finally deciding to let go. Some people report experiencing a definite realization of a need to release, although fear may constitute hope. By default, some people feel giving up means a lack of loyalty, and instead embrace hope to such an extent they escape the process in its totality.

Coping with anticipatory grief is never easy, and even the most resilient can struggle. What can you do to alleviate the unbearable, all-consuming emotions of a loss not yet realized and find relief from anticipatory grief? Here are ways to prepare for the passing from a practical and emotional point of view.

<ol><li>Educate yourself about what the final stages of life could look like, depending on the illness or condition suffered. The process may help you to feel a sense of control. </li><li>Speak up. Talk to others who have experienced the same process, join a support group, or seek professional help. </li><li>Create lasting moments everyone will remember. The last days with a loved one can end with emotional turmoil. Where possible, try to create good memories, both for their sake and yours. Often those who are dying are aware of their finality, and so a sense of calm needs to prevail. </li><li>Prepare yourself for different outcomes regarding how the person who is dying faces their mortality. For example, some individuals may seek an opportunity to express their emotions, be open about their demise and speak words of love and tenderness to those they have loved. Others who face death do not want to accept their reality and never actually do. </li> </ol>

My mother-in-law became aware of the gravity of her condition and accepted her impending death days before she passed. Some of the moments we shared before her passing created the most precious and beautiful memories that I have of Helen.

In her lucid moments, Helen expressed such tenderness and gratitude for all I had been in her life, and we reminisced about happier times. I arranged for her grandchildren to phone one last time, and she was able to tell them all that she loved them. Looming death changed her from someone who rarely showed affection, emotion, or gratitude into a loving, appreciative, caring soul who seemed to have softened immeasurably.

In the final days of Helen’s struggle to hang on, there was little dignity or modesty left. I grieved the healthy person she once was and longed for those days to return. I knew life held no joys for her any longer, so relief crept into those emotions as I sat beside her. At that moment, I hit the point of acceptance and the finality she was facing, yet continued to be caught in the grip of anticipatory grief.

My sense of loss persisted until the final moment of Helen’s passing. At 1:45 A.M, when she drew her last breath, I felt such an array of emotions, it is hard to verbalize them all. A stabbing sense of finality and loss pierced my heart, and a guttural cry arose from the depths of my soul. At the same time, I also experienced a blessed sense of relief. It was over! Helen’s struggles were done. I would never again have to bargain with God to keep her here for one more day. When Helen’s time closed, my anticipatory grief turned the corner, and I met bereavement head-on.

While there’s no straight line to recover from loss, you can move forward from each stage of grief. Drawing on inner strength, sharing your experience, and relying on family and friends' support help the pain lessen.

More like this:

Understanding Anticipatory Grief

What Is Anticipatory Grief?

CURATED BY

Related collections

More like this