You're Apologizing All Wrong. Here's How To Say Sorry The Right Way : Life Kit
npr.org
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Good apology or No apology
- Most of us haven't been taught how to apologise
- Our efforts tend to be harmful: vague, intrusive, demanding, or full of warnings that can leave the recipient of an apology feeling even worse.
- When the apology is absent or it's a bad apology, it puts a crack in the very foundation of a relationship and can even end it.
- That's why it is critical to get an apology right.
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A good apology
- A good apology is an opportunity for us to take clear and direct responsibility for our wrongdoing
- We shouldn’t blame, evade, make excuses or bring up the past.
- A good apology brims with accountability, meets the moment, and can transform our relationships.
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Drop your defences
- We listen for what we don't agree with, so we can defend ourselves and correct the facts.
- Keep an open mind and listen with an explicit intention to understand the other person.
- Try to wrap your brain around the essence of what that hurt party needs you to get.
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Be real.
- Show genuine sorrow and remorse.
- It feels vulnerable to not be in control of the outcome, but it is also courageous.
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No ifs or buts
- A sincere apology does not include caveats or qualifiers.
- 'But' almost always signifies a rationalisation, a criticism, or an excuse
- It doesn't matter if what you say after the 'but' is true, the 'but' makes your apology false.
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Less is more
- Keep your apology short and mind the histrionics.
- Over-apologising is not only irritating — it disrupts the flow of the conversation and shifts the focus away from the person who needs to be attended to
- You've hijacked the hurt party's emotionality and made the apology about you.
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Stay Focused
- Your attention when apologizing should be on the impact of your words or deeds, not on your intention.
- Zero in on the situation at hand and stay attuned to the needs of the person who is hurting.
- It's not the two words 'I'm sorry' that heal the injury. The hurt party wants to know that we really get it, that we validate their feelings and care.
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Remember: A good apology is a beginning, not an end.
- An apology isn't the only chance you ever get to address the underlying issue. The apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication.
- An apology creates an opening. When done with attention and care, it can be a conduit for greater understanding and deeper connection.
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