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8 Ways to Flip Your Fear of Conflict

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https://99u.adobe.com/articles/64926/8-ways-to-flip-your-fear-of-conflict

99u.adobe.com

8 Ways to Flip Your Fear of Conflict
In the past, 99U has tackled arguments by digging into how to safely bring sparring into shoptalk and mediation into meetings. But, here's the thing: it's 2019. Disagreement is our reality. We have increasingly divisive elections, impending family Thanksgiving dinner, and let's not forget that we still can't agree on what we want the future of work to look like.

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Disagreement Is The New Reality

The ability to have productive disagreements is a superpower.

But disagreement or an argument usually has toxicity associated with it, with judgment, self-protection and a sense of con...

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Aligning the Argument

In a disagreement, often certain crucial information isn't available or isn't clearly understood by either person. We need to ask ourselves if:

  • The argument is abo...

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Anxiety Spikes

Anxiety spikes happen when something triggers us during an argument, usually when what that we care about feels threatened.

We need to be aware of these spikes to guide us into...

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Speak From Your Own Experience

A common mistake during arguments is when we speak on behalf of other people and groups.
Arguments then become a free-for-all, as anyone can jump in and argue back. Also, we tend to exagg...

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Don't Neglect The Emotional Part

Neglecting the emotional part of the argument and focusing solely on facts and information is a common blunder.

A better way is to ask open-ended questions and try to find the root ca...

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A Wider Field Of View

Keeping an open mind gives you a wider field of view.

Turn off the clinical brain that just wants knowable answers quickly, and see the world through the other's perspective, noticing...

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Discard Your Biases

Biases are your ready-made encyclopedia of all the answers you need to prove yourself right, which can be a disaster in any argument.

Hold off your biases and try to find growth and new pers...

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The Way and the Place

Disagreements cannot be resolved over Slack or Email. Try to do them in person, or at least over the phone.

Make sure your environment is neutral, and if anything can hamper the discussio...

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Aporia

Aporia is an ancient Greek concept of realizing that our interpretations and beliefs don't lead us to the truth.

Winning an argument isn't the goal, and true wisdom...

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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

The Realms Of An Argument

There are three different realms of an argument:

  • Head-based arguments are about the truth, based on facts and verifiable information.
  • Heart-based arguments are about...

Cognitive Dissonance

Pay close attention to what ‘spikes’ up your emotions, those triggers that are felt when someone challenges you, or provides you with information that is new to you or does not align with your reality. 

This cognitive dissonance (the state of holding two or more contradictory beliefs) may be your chance to update your expectations, instead of making the world fit in them.

Ask Questions And Listen

When you're having an argument, there are two different views involved, and maybe two different realities. Instead of making it a black and white, right or wrong argument, try to ask genuine questions to help you understand what the other person is thinking.

Calm down, create mental space, and have a pleasant and relaxing disagreement, after you take the time to listen to the other person's point of view, instead of reacting impulsively or angrily.

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Seek to understand

People tend to disagree when they don't understand each other. That does not mean you have to agree, just that you're open to hearing them out.

When you come to an understanding t...

Look beyond your own triggers

Whatever may have happened in your past, you have to find a way to get past your triggers and see that you're in a new situation with a person who doesn't mean you harm. What's triggered is usually fear and awareness of one's limitations.

Look for similarities, not differences

Look for common ground. When you concentrate on differences the space grows wider, but when you seek out what you have in common it helps bridge the gap.

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Paul Graham's disagreement hierarchy

  • DH0. Name-calling: the lowest level of argument.
  • DH1. Ad hominem: attackung the person rather than the point they are making.
  • DH2...