Learn more about psychology with this collection
How to manage anxiety and self-doubt
Strategies for setting realistic goals
The importance of self-compassion and self-care
If you think that your past determines your present, you end up with determinism; your future has already been decided by your past. In "Adlerian psychology", we donāt think about past causes, but rather about present goals. Your past doesnāt determine your present, but rather it is the meaning that you attribute to your past.
You are unable to change only because you are making the decision not to. You probably think itās easier to leave things as they are. If you stay like this, you can respond to events as they occur, and you can guess the results.
Courage is the solution.
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Accept yourself now, and regardless of the outcome, have theĀ courageĀ to step forward.
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We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to past experiences. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences. We instead make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
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Feelings of inferiority are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts. You can see being shorter than average as inferior, or as superior for not being intimidating and getting other people to relax.
There is one good thing about subjectivity: It allows you to make your own choice. View anything as an advantage or disadvantage. We cannot alter objective facts, but we can alter interpretations as much as you like.
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Adlerian psychology is a psychology of changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others. Instead of waiting for others to change, you take the first step forward yourself.
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Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be āthis kind of person.ā You throw away who you really are and live other peopleās lives. Therefore, you should deny your desire for recognition. Youāre not living to satisfy other peopleās expectations, and other people arenāt living to satisfy your expectations.
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We need to think with the perspective of āwhose task is this?ā and separate our own tasks from other peopleās tasks. This is called separation of tasks. You should not worry about or intrude on other peopleās tasks.
There may be a person who doesnāt think well of you, but thatās not your task.
All you can do with regard to your own life is to choose the best path that you believe in. How do people judge that? Thatās the task of other people, and itās not a matter you can do anything about.
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Many people think that relationship cards are held by the other person. Thatās why they wonder "How does that person feel about me?" And end up living in a way that satisfies the wishes of other people. If youāre tied to the desire for recognition, all the cards will stay in the hands of other people. If you can grasp the separation of tasks, you will notice that you hold all the cards.
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When you praise, youāre unconsciously creating a hierarchical relationship and seeing the other person as beneath you. As if youāre passing a judgment from one person of ability to another person of no ability. You can convey words of gratitude instead. Saying thank you to this partner who has helped you with your work. āThis was a big helpā. If recieving praise is what youāre after, youāll have no choice but to adapt to that personās yardstick and put your breaks on your own freedom. āThank you,ā on the other hand, is a clear expression of gratitude.
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The goal of interpersonal relationships is a feeling of community. This sense of others as comrades. To get that feeling, you should make the switch from self-interest to concern for others.
You can get a feeling of community by making an active commitment to the community. Take steps forward and donāt avoid the tasks of work, friendship and love relationships. Donāt think in terms of "What will this person give me?" But rather, "What can I give to this person?"
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Donāt limit yourself to one community. If you think of schools as everything to you, youāll end up without a sense of belonging to anything. There is a larger world that extends far beyond any community. And everyone of us is a member of that world. Living in fear of oneās relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live. Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There will be always more and larger communities that exist.
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The goal is accept yourself 60 percent, and think "How should I go about getting closer to 100 percent?" You cannot change what youāre born with, but what you do with this equipment is your own power. Focus on what you can change.
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When you switch from attachment to self to concern for others, Confidence in others becomes absolutely essential. If you donāt have objective grounds for trusting someone, you should believe without concerning yourself with things such as security. Unconditional confidence is the foundation of any deep relationship.
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The most easily understood contribution to others is work. It is through labor that one makes contribution to others and commit to oneās community. One can feel āI am of use to someone,ā and come to accept oneās existential worth. This helps in self-acceptance again, and you can see that it is a circular loop
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You should think of life a series of dots. A series of moments called ānow.ā We live only in the here and now. Live life as if you are dancing.
Some people ended up in entirely different places. But none of these lives came to an end āen routeā . It is enough if you find fulfillment in the here and now one is dancing.
Dancing itself is the goal, you shouldnāt be concerned with arriving somewhere by doing it. You can arrive somewhere as a result of dancing, but there is no particular destination. The goal of mountain-climbing is the climbing itself, not getting at the top.
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Life is a series of moments, and neither the past nor the future exists. Live in the here and now. Donāt concern yourself with the past or the future.
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Whether they are trying to be especially good or especially bad, the goal is the same: to attract the attention of other people. Get out the ānormalā condition and become a āspecial being.ā Why is it necessary to be special? Probably because one cannot accept oneās normal self.
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