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How Romantic Ideas Destroy Your Chance at Love

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https://time.com/4354465/romanticism-relationships/

time.com

How Romantic Ideas Destroy Your Chance at Love
Society has set us up with the wrong expectations about what a successful relationship takes, Alain de Botton writes.

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Romanticism

Romanticism emerged as an ideology in Europe in the mid-18th century in the minds of poets, artists and philosophers, and it has now conquered the world. 

It has permeated our culture wi...

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Romanticism is deeply hopeful

It tells us that marriage can have all the excitement of a love affair and the feelings of love should prevail over a life-time. 

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Romanticism proposes 

... that true love end loneliness. It promised that the right partner would understand us fully without words.

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Romanticism believes feelings rule

For most of recorded history, people had fallen into relationships and married for logical pragmatic sorts of reasons.

Romanticism believes choosing a partner should be about letting onese...

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Romanticism rejects practicalities

Romanticism has influenced us to dislike the idea of entering into a relationship for practical or financial reasons.

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Romanticism believes true love trumps all

Romanticism believes that true love should accept everything about someone.

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Romanticism has been a disaster for love

The salvation of love lies in overcoming a succession of errors within Romanticism.

  • Discussing money up-front is not a betrayal of love.
  • Realize that we are rather flawed, and ou...

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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

The cultural backdrop

For most of recorded history, people got married for logical pragmatic sorts of reasons.

Since around 1750, we have been living in an era in the history of love that we can call Romanticism w...

The Romantic template

  • Romanticism tells us that a long-term marriage can have all the excitement of a love affair.
  • Romanticism proposed that true love must mean an end to all loneliness.
  • Romanticism believed that choosing a partner should be about letting oneself be guided by feelings, rather than practical considerations.
  • Romanticism believes that true love is synonymous with accepting everything about someone.

The Romantic script is delusional

It's normative points include:

  • we should meet a person of extraordinary inner and outer beauty and immediately feel a special attraction to them, and they to us
  • we should understand one another intuitively
  • we don’t need an education in love
  • we should have no secrets and spend constant time together
  • we should raise a family without any loss of intensity
  • our lover must be our soulmate, best friend, co-parent, co-chauffeur, accountant, household manager and spiritual guide

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The five love languages

The idea is: we all express and feel love differently, and understanding those differences can seriously help your relationships. 

We all show affection in different ways. These “languag...

The five love languages, in a nutshell

  • Words of affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise or appreciation.
  • Acts of service: Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
  • Receiving gifts: Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
  • Quality time: Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
  • Physical touch: It can range from having sex to holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.

Love languages for non-romantic relationships

The concept of love languages helps pretty much any relationship - it’s useful to understand what matters to people.

It all comes down to knowing what’s important to people so you can understand, empathize and work with them a little better. 

We all have different life experiences; we come from different backgrounds. It makes sense that we communicate differently, too.

Perfection is unrealistic

Whomever we get together with will be radically imperfect in a host of deeply serious ways. We must kill the idea that things would be ideal with any other creature in this galaxy. Ther...

Learn to blame love

When difficulties strike in relationships, we often fall prey to the idea that we are going out with a foolish human. The sadness must be someone’s fault: and we conclude that the blame has to lie with the partner. At an extreme, we exit the relationship far too early. 

We blame our lover in order not to blame love itself, the truer but more elusive target.

Love makes irrational demands

The person we love becomes involved in some of the grandest and most complex matters we ever undertake: we ask them to be our lover, our best friend, our confidant, our nurse, our financial adviser, our social partner, and our sex mate.
The job description is so long and so demanding, that no one in the standard employment market could conceivably deliver perfectly on even a fraction of the demands

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