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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
The first 500 people to click this link will get a 2 month free trial of Skillshare: https://skl.sh/tsol3 People-pleasing behavior, while ostensibly pleasant, causes enormous difficulties for us, especially in relationships and in love. We need to grow better able to disappoint others, and to stop fearing calamity when we do so.

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The People Pleaser

It's the person that feels that most of the time there is no other option but to adjust to the expectations of others, and yet harbors a lot of hidden resentment.

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A Type Of Lie

People-pleasing is essentially a form of lying.

And we do it not to obtain some sort of advantage over someone, but because we deeply fear the annoyance an...

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Origins Of People Pleasing

It is related to being around people (usually our parents) who seem to have a really hard time and even be unable to accept and forgive some odd but sometimes nece...

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Love And Fear

We don't always lie out of fear. We may see people-pleasing as a form of love, for someone whom we perceive to be vulnerable (to keep them in a good mood or to avo...

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Stop Being a People Pleaser

  • Keep in mind that the people that now in adulthood surround you (colleagues, friends, partners) are most likely very different from...

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Develop Awareness Of Your Behavior

People are often unaware of their people-pleasing behavior. The habit can become so ingrained that it's automatic.

It takes full commitment to stay aware with an intention to change. Write a list of all the things you would normally do in an effort to please. Take note of each time you do them and figure out how you will change it next time.

Drop the Label

When you label yourself with "I am...," it has the potential to become your identity. "I am a people pleaser. I am not liked."

Never describe yourself as a people pleaser. Instead, describe your behavior as you make a decision to change it.

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Win Arguments

... without making enemies:
  • Make sure you communicate you are not there to fight (using your tone of voice, for example).
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Raising Your Voice

When the conversation gets heated, we tend to raise our voices and talk faster. This is a dangerous path because now the ability of both sides to change their minds is close to zero. We dig even deeper into our initial positions and beliefs and no matter how good an argument is, it is not going to be received by the other side.

You can sense this happening when people rush to talk over one another.

Releasing Tension

  • Slowing things down: take a deep breath before speaking, to create a pause, to reduce the tension and to open up the other person to your position.
  • Inflections: upward inflections are good for de-escalating conflict because they show you are not there to control and command.
  • The ability to crack a joke and the ability to take a joke and laugh make you more persuasive, give the impression of being on the same side and release the tension.

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