Is Love an Act of Escapism? - Deepstash

deepstash

Beta

Get an account to save ideas & make your own & organize them how you wish.

deepstash

Beta

Is Love an Act of Escapism?

Deepstash brings you key ideas from the most inspiring articles like this one:

Read more efficiently

Save what inspires you

Remember anything

https://medium.com/@francescagiuliano_4505/is-love-an-act-of-escapism-db94209db05b

medium.com

Is Love an Act of Escapism?
As a teenager, I used to obsess over the fantasy of a love story that would be so passionate, romantic, and intense it would make me into a new, more experienced, more exciting and confident girl.

3

Key Ideas

Save all ideas

The ultimate savior

The ultimate savior

We tend to see romantic love as the ultimate savor that will overwhelm us with such passion and devotion, that it will take away all of our problems.

When we take care of our partner, we do...

96 SAVES


The danger of escapism

We may help our partner figure out their issues but neglect our own. We find refuge in our partners, and sometimes a refuge where we can escape from ourselves. That is dangerous and unhealthy in th...

87 SAVES


Real love

If we want to live in a society where we take our emotional health seriously, where self-care, self-awareness, and self-love are valued, we will teach each other more about different perspectives o...

150 SAVES


SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

The forms of love

Love is not just found in romantic love directed at one person.

Love includes the depth of close friendships, the sense of belonging in a community, the intensity of an artistic practice...

It takes a village to feel loved

In history, marriage was a pragmatic institution. A sense of identity was more embedded in community, and not solely in marriage.

The shift to individualism and choice has meant that we feel the need to find our identity in an all-encompassing romantic partnership. We are asking from one person what once an entire village used to provide.

Recognising that one person can't be your everything can help you find a broader definition of love.

The love of friendship

Sharing your experiences with others is an essential ingredient to feeling connected.

This conncection doesn't have to come in the form of a partner or having friends around you all the time. Rather, it is the quality of your close relationships that has an impact on your well being.

one more idea

The faulty logic

We usually consider moving into marriage in an attempt to preserve and prolong the happy romantic feelings that characterize the early stages of almost all relationships.
But in most cases, ther...

Unrealistic expectations

The gap between expectation and reality is the cause for many of life’s disappointments.
We like to create detailed fantasies of how our lives are going to be. But when we expect our reality to match a fantasy but life turns out nothing like it, we feel disappointed.

Asking the right questions

"Are you the right person for me?" is the wrong question to ask, because nothing outside of ourselves can fix us or bring us happiness.
A more constructive question to ask would be "Can I accommodate your imperfections with humor and grace?"

Plato on love

The ancient Greek philosopher Plato argued that the highest form of love was brotherly love or platonic love.

The industrial age changed romance

For most of human history, there was no time for romance. Marriages were arranged by families and were a purely economic arrangement designed to promote the survival and prosperity of both extended families.

It wasn’t until the industrial age that things began to change. They didn't have to rely so heavily on family connections any more. Consequently, the economic and political components of marriage ceased to make sense.

"Happily ever after" ideal

The economic realities of the 19th century mixed with the idea from the Enlightenment about the pursuit of happiness. The result was the Age of Romanticism.

People became economically independent and love (or emotions) became valued in society. These ideals of love have been heavily promoted and marketed during the 20th century.

one more idea

Attachment and control

With attachment comes a very strong urge to control the circumstances.

You put yourself at risk by investing so much of yourself into something,  unwilling to believe that there i...

Passion and attachment

Feeling too much passion and attachment towards something can skew our perception of it.

And that's risky because it can make us unwilling to see the flaws in our plan.

Simone Weil

Simone Weil

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached. ”

5 more ideas

The cultural backdrop

For most of recorded history, people got married for logical pragmatic sorts of reasons.

Since around 1750, we have been living in an era in the history of love that we can call Romanticism w...

The Romantic template

  • Romanticism tells us that a long-term marriage can have all the excitement of a love affair.
  • Romanticism proposed that true love must mean an end to all loneliness.
  • Romanticism believed that choosing a partner should be about letting oneself be guided by feelings, rather than practical considerations.
  • Romanticism believes that true love is synonymous with accepting everything about someone.

The Romantic script is delusional

It's normative points include:

  • we should meet a person of extraordinary inner and outer beauty and immediately feel a special attraction to them, and they to us
  • we should understand one another intuitively
  • we don’t need an education in love
  • we should have no secrets and spend constant time together
  • we should raise a family without any loss of intensity
  • our lover must be our soulmate, best friend, co-parent, co-chauffeur, accountant, household manager and spiritual guide

one more idea

Unrequited Love

Unrequited love, where the partner isn't able to obtain or 'win' the person that is the object of affection, may be a way to ensure that one doesn't face the reality of a relationship.

Real ...

The Fear Of Love

Fear of Love may be due to a self-hatred, or a fear that others may know our true feelings, dissolving our ego-state, which may have been delicately carved over the years.

How To Unfixate

To un-fixate from an object of one's affection, you have to tell yourself that you never really liked the person, and the qualities you liked in them, can be found in others.

By dissecting and investigating the character, you can help isolate the traits you liked, and can eventually find them in other people.

Free And Lonely

Most Americans of this generation are now more free than the earlier generations. They are free and spoilt for choice to date, marry, divorce or have casual sexual encounters.

The price of...

Modern Dating Scene

Mark Regnerus provides some insights into the modern dating scene:

  • A casual relationship is now preferred to a committed one.
  • Sex is now a field for marketers to provide products and services.
  • It takes considerably less time, effort and risk for one to get sexual gratification through online dating or porn.

Marriage is now an Option

Youngsters are now wary of a life-long relationship and consider it as an option.

  • One-third of people who are in their twenties may never marry.
  • The increase of freedom to romance has changed the definition of romance.

3 more ideas

Because we idealize love, we overestimate it

We see it as a cure for all of life’s problems. And when we believe that all we need is love, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect and commitment towards the people w...

Idealizing love=unrealistic expectations

....about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.  - Mark Manson

Love doesn't equal compatibility

Falling in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well. 

one more idea

Our ideas of love

The differences in how people have loved throughout history suggest that our style of loving is to a significant extent determined by what the prevailing environment dictates.

It is through ...

What is lacking in art

... are crucial elements of wisdom, realism and maturity. Our love stories excite us to expect things of love that are neither very possible nor very practical.

We learn to judge ourselves by the hopes and expectations fostered by a misleading artistic medium.

How love stories affect us

Emma Bovary in Madame Bovary (1856) spent her childhood immersed in Romantic fiction. As a result, she’s expecting that her husband will be someone who understands her soul perfectly.

When she does get married to the kind, thoughtful but human. But she is quickly bored by the routines of married life. She is convinced that her life has gone profoundly wrong for one central reason: because it’s so different from what the novels she knows told her it would be.

4 more ideas

Falling in love

To us, being loved in a relationship is perhaps the highest ideal. It gives our lives meaning and purpose. Being loved validates our sense of self-esteem and soothes our fears of loneliness.

Whom We Find Attractive

Our self-esteem, mental and emotional health, positive and negative life experiences, and family relations all influence whom we’re attracted to. 

The Ideal Stage of Romance

There is an amount of healthy idealization that helps us fall in love.

However, if we’re depressed or have low self-esteem, we’re more likely to idealize a prospective partner and overlook signs of trouble, such as unreliability or addiction, or accept disrespectful or abusive behavior. A lack of a support system or loneliness might also blind us to potential faults.

It is far better to first deal with these concerns before entering into a relationship.

3 more ideas