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What You Need to Do to Stop Being a People Pleaser

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https://www.lifehack.org/856814/people-pleaser

lifehack.org

What You Need to Do to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Want to stop people pleasing? Insightful tips to move from people pleaser to building self worth, increasing confidence and speaking your truth.

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Being a people-pleaser

Being a people-pleaser

If you ever say "yes", when you want to say "no", or nod in agreement when you don't agree, you've probably experienced people pleasing.

People-...

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Develop Awareness Of Your Behavior

People are often unaware of their people-pleasing behavior. The habit can become so ingrained that it's automatic.

It takes full commitment to stay aware with an intent...

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Drop the Label

When you label yourself with "I am...," it has the potential to become your identity. "I am a people pleaser. I am not liked."

Never describe yourself ...

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Become Clear On Who You Are

When we get clear on who we really are and what we stand for, we have a strong sense of self.

If you have been pleasing others for a long time, you may have lost sight of what is im...

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Mahatma Gandhi

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits and your habits become your values.”

Mahatma Gandhi

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Beliefs And Values

You have a set of beliefs behind each one of your values. If your beliefs around your values are too general, they can prevent you from changing your people-pleasing habits.

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The Word "No"

If we always say "yes" to others, we are saying "no" to ourselves. We lose sight of our own priorities and instead live by other people's standards. Saying "no...

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Pause Before Responding

Decide to pause before you respond. It could prevent you from responding the usual way. If you are unsure of how you would like to respond, let the person know you will get back to them

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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

The Fear Of Disappointing Others

The Fear Of Disappointing Others

If one’s goal is to please everyone, the road then leads directly to failure and disappointment. Even if we are absolutely right, it is a subjective figure in the eyes of others, due to eve...

Comfort Stands In The Way of Growth

Our comfort zone stands in the way of our growth and learning. The only way to conquer fear is to push yourself into uncomfortable situations.

Even small tasks that make you uncomfortable gets the momentum going towards bigger challenges.

The Fear of Disappointing Others And Past Trauma

Our fear of disappointing others could just be something created because of our childhood, past relationships or some traumatic experience in our lives.

How we react tells us about who we are.

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The People Pleaser

It's the person that feels that most of the time there is no other option but to adjust to the expectations of others, and yet harbors a lot of hidden resentment.

A Type Of Lie

People-pleasing is essentially a form of lying.

And we do it not to obtain some sort of advantage over someone, but because we deeply fear the annoyance and dissatisfaction of the people around us.

Origins Of People Pleasing

It is related to being around people (usually our parents) who seem to have a really hard time and even be unable to accept and forgive some odd but sometimes necessary facts about their child.

To survive, we decide to be responsive to what others expect us to do and be, leaving aside what we really want.

2 more ideas

Stuck in a state of passivity

Stuck in a state of passivity

Passive behavior is the sense of feeling a lack of motivation, energy, and willpower. It is often the cause of people feeling stuck at work or in their life.

It occurs whe...

Lack of motivation leads to passive behavior

The most common cause of passive behavior is being unmotivated.

It is a myth that motivation needs to come before action. More often, it is action that leads to motivation. You forced yourself to get in your workout gear and then suddenly felt ready to go. You forced yourself to meet friends and ended having a great time.

Action comes first, then motivation follows. When you feel unmotivated and passive, do something. Motivation and productivity will follow behind.

Lack of goals lead to passivity

When your only goal is to make it through the week, you may feel like you spend your life going through the motions with the same tasks week in and week out. It can become very dull. Finding meaningful goals can change all of that.

Meaningful goals can be spread out across all areas of life. Find purposeful goals within the work section of your life. Volunteer for a charity or get involved in other projects. Doing so will inevitably lead you out of passive behavior.

5 more ideas

Name your feelings

Emotions like overwhelm, anger, and frustration may indicate that others are intruding on your personal time or space.

Instead of pushing the feelings away, try understanding them. It ...

Prepare your well-being disclaimer

Start conversations about boundaries with a disclaimer to set the stage for a compassionate, permissive discussion.

Share your resolution to set boundaries. Explain why it’s important to you and how you believe it will benefit you.

When others set boundaries

People who have trouble setting boundaries usually have trouble responding to boundaries set by others.

Instead of feeling dismissed, angry, or rejected when friends or lovers put limits on your interactions, respond with “I value your honesty” or “I appreciate you sharing that with me”—even if the boundary was difficult to hear.

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Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage can be defined as the action through which you undermine your worth and goals. Even though you want something, you do actions that are contrary to achieving your targ...

Self-sabotage and its diversity

Self-sabotage can appear in our lives under many shapes:

  • procrastination: putting off what we should be doing now
  • substance abuse: consuming alcohol and drug often leads to us not reaching our goals
  • chronic lateness: this will usually result in you being perceived as a not so trustworthy person
  • stress eating: we all know the end of this one- poor diet or even illness
  • intimacy and commitment issues: the negative consequence refers to you ending up alone.

Self-sabotage and its causes

Studies revealed two main causes of self-sabotage:

  • modeling: individuals tend to self-sabotage as they grew up seeing this in their parents' behavior
  • power: persons may tend to self-sabotage by entering into relationships with people who are, one way or another, inferior to them

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Procrastination

Procrastination is not just avoiding or delaying a task.

It also has to include an aspect that’s counterproductive, irrational or unnecessary.

Procrastination triggers

  • People procrastinate because of a lack of value [associated with the task]
  • because they expect that they’re not going to achieve the value they’re trying to achieve; 
  • because the value is too far from you in terms of time
  • or because you’re very impulsive as a person.

If timing is the issue

Many people are inherently more productive at certain times of the day. 

Work around these natural productivity ebbs and flows when you schedule your days. 

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Become more organized

Become more organized

In order to be successful and reach your goals, you need to be organized.

One first step in this direction refers to starting your day planning: choosing the agenda that wo...

Practice a lot

Acquiring organizational skills, as in getting better at planning, can take a while. While finding the appropriate agenda is essential, making a habit out of using it is just as important.

Plan important moments monthly

When preparing your schedule on a monthly basis, make sure to add not only the daily tasks and objectives, but also the big moments.

For instance, integrating your friends' birthdays can prove both useful and time saving for the future.

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Getting Negative Feedback

Getting Negative Feedback

... is not the best thing to happen at work. It normally leads to a racing mind, emotional discomfort and increased blood pressure.

We may try to defend ourselves, or brush aside the feedba...

It’s Not Personal

Unless it is completely uncalled for, negative feedback generally has the intention of informing us about our areas of improvement. If feedback isn’t provided, you may not grow and improve. If no one tells you that you are doing something wrong, you will keep doing it wrongly forever.

Providing timely feedback may be a sign that the manager cares and wants you to improve.

Don’t Shoot The Messenger

One should not be defensive when provided with negative feedback, and understand that it is for our own good.

One needs to act on the feedback by approaching it from a neutral and objective standpoint, not taking it as a personal attack. Instead of reacting, just pause and listen. Reflect on the feedback, giving yourself some time and space to respond with a level head.

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Belongingness

Humans have an inbuilt drive to belong and be accepted. This makes us care about what others think of us.

  • In the pre-historic times, human beings couldn't surviv...

Staying Clear of Imaginary Groups

Out of novelty and boredom, we started being part of 'imaginary' groups just because it is cool to do so. There are groups in social media, or in clubs/bars, in which people join due to desire to be accepted.

If we have our friends, family, a career and a few hobbies, we don't need to attach our identity to a group.

Mission = Value + Vision

Discovering your core values, and having a vision is key to finding your mission.
You have to know where you want to go (Vision) and create a road map that takes you there (Values). Having these foundational pillars in your life makes us less susceptible to what others think and do.

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Prejudice is inside us all

Prejudice is inside us all

Prejudice stems in part from cultural learning, our parents, our schools, and social messages in the media. Prejudice is also deeply embedded in our thought networks.

The good news is that ...

Negative stereotypes are lodged in our cognitive network

They pop up to do mischief, even when you're not conscious of it.

We can learn to recognize bias in ourselves and reduce the harmful impact of that part of ourselves by applying acceptance and commitment therapy. It focuses on developing psychological flexibility. When we investigate our implicit biases, we become more aware of them and can bring our actions in line with our conscious beliefs.

Authoritarian distancing

All forms of prejudice can be explained by what’s called authoritarian distancing - the belief that we are different from some group. Because they are different, they represent a threat we need to control.

When people adopt authoritarian distancing, they display three characteristics:

  • The inability to take the perspective of other people.
  • The inability to feel the pain of other people when you take their perspective.
  • The inability to be emotionally open to the pain of others when you do feel it.

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