Love & Family

95 STASHED IDEAS

Friend Swiping

Friend Swiping, or using or managing your friends’ dating profile for prospects, is a fun activity for many young people around the world, hooked in the foggy world of online dating.

Swiping for friends has an appeal that exceeds the fun of managing one’s own profile.

Carlos B. (@carlos_tb483) - Profile Photo

@carlos_tb483

Love & Family

Many apps like Tinder are designed and positioned as a game, while not being called so. People who are out of the game seem to quench their thirst about it by looking at how others play it and playing it for them too.

Many dating app users have ‘dating app fatigue’ or ‘swiping fatigue’ and are more than happy to hand the reins over to their trusted friends, who enjoy the proxy match-making.

Many young, single people are curious about dating apps but don’t want to display their own moniker to others, afraid of appearing desperate and uncool.

They quell their Dating App FOMO (fear of missing out) and general fascination about online match-making by grabbing their friend's phone and checking out profiles, curious to know more about the kind of people who are attracted to each other.

One can fall for a friend who is dating someone else and does not share the same feelings. Office infatuation is common, often with people who are unavailable or unapproachable.

  • The first step to heal breakups of pseudo-relationships (or even imaginary ones) is to acknowledge that feeling.
  • The next step is to stop fantasizing about the other person, getting out of the dream world.

Even if the pain wasn’t logical, it is still pain. The need of the hour is to talk to your support group and cry if the need arises. If you need to go out, have some fun, grieve, sulk and simply express what you feeling, letting your heart out.

If talking isn’t your thing, you can put your feelings and thoughts in a journal, which is a great healing tool. If the person you have fallen for is your friend, you might want to move away from a friendship or take a break to allow your healing.

Breaking Up With Someone You Never Dated

Breakups are hard as it is, but it gets more complicated when we are trying to move on from someone that wasn’t even our romantic partner.

An unrealized relationship is when we put someone on a pedestal, assuming that ours would be a great match. When nothing materializes and life takes a turn, it can be just as heartbreaking as a real romantic relationship and one can feel grief, sadness, rejection and disappointment.

  1. Staying busy with your work, or redirecting your energies to a goal that you always wanted to accomplish.
  2. Connecting with friends and loved ones, letting your mind off the constant feeling of rejection or pain.

Time can heal these feelings of imaginary love or infatuation, which is often unrequited. Such feelings are an indication of our own emptiness, as we try to fill the vacuum by allowing such emotions to take shape.

Professional counselling can help find the root cause of this loneliness that is causing such feelings, especially if it happens often.

Family members rejecting each other can be particularly painful. If a family member has rejected you, turn to online forums to connect or reach out to friends to find support from others in a similar situation. See how others effectively handled the situation.

We often assume there's nothing we can do about it, but when you educate yourself, you begin to understand why you feel the way you do.

It's very easy to idealize the other person and the relationship while experiencing rejection. Sometimes, a breakup can make you feel inadequate and unworthy.

List all the traits you didn't appreciate about your partner to help you become aware of how you were incompatible and pinpoint the characteristics you want in the next relationship. When looking for other potential partners, try to ask questions about the values that are vital to you.

People often look to external forces to feel validated instead of internal ones. When rejection comes to your dream opportunity, try to remember that your career path is not a straight line. Not every experience will move you forward.

Rejection does not end your goal. Think of rejection as growth. It could guide you to a new path that will eventually lead you to better places, even if it sometimes takes a bit longer to get there.

Rejection hurts

And we tend to interpret the pain incorrectly - we connect rejection to our self-worth, which makes us feel worse.

Rejection can benefit you. It can build resilience and help you grow and use the lessons you learn to future setbacks.

Friendship breakups can hurt more than romantic ones. It is necessary to realise that friends come and go. You can use it as an opportunity to ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to be friends with.

After some time has passed and you find yourself missing that friendship, reach out to see if the person wants to get together. Allowing some time to pass can help people approach a friendship with a new perspective.

Sometimes we think we're being rejected when that is not true. Not getting a lot of likes on a post or seeing your friends having fun without you can make you feel inadequate.

But you can use social media in a positive way.

  • Use social media for conversations. Send direct messages to friends or comment on friends' posts.
  • Follow people and connect to people in real life that make you feel like you belong.
  • Most importantly, remind yourself of all the positive people in your life that you are grateful for.
Valentines day is not a modern idea

The history of Valentine's Day can be traced back to ancient Rome.

From 13 to 15 February, ancient Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. Roman men sacrificed goats before using their skins to whip women, believing this would make them fertile.

In the early 19th-century, the industrialisation of Britain brought with it advances in printing and manufacturing technologies. Mass-produced Valentine's cards became very popular.

A collection of over 1,700 cards is still held at the Museum of London. Cards feature elaborate paper lacework, embossing, and other intricate designs. Typical imagery includes flowers, love knots, and cupid. Hearts were sometimes used, but the Victorian cards did not feature red hearts like they do today.

In the mid-19th century, Valentine's cards gained popularity in America, where they were first advertised as a British fashion.

In 1913, Hallmark Cards produced their own Valentin's card, representing a key development in Valentine's Day's commercialisation. Today Valentine's Day also includes buying flowers, jewellery, perfume, and chocolates.

  • In the 15th century, 14 February became an annual feast day in France. Banquets with singing and dancing were held to celebrate romantic love.
  • During this time, a Frenchman, imprisoned in the Tower of London, wrote the earliest surviving Valentine's greeting to his wife. "I am already sick of love, my very gentle Valentine."
  • By the 17th century, Shakespeare mentions Valentine's Day in Hamlet. "To-morrow is Saint Valentine's day, All in the morning betime, And I a maid at your window, To be your Valentine."
  • In the 18th century, the most famous Valentine's poem was found in a collection of nursery rhymes. "The rose is red, the violet's blue, The honey's sweet, and so are you."

The first Valentine's day cards were sent in the 18th century.

Initially, it was handmade cards. Lovers would decorate paper with romantic symbols like flowers and love knots. It often included puzzles and lines of poetry. These cards were then slipped secretly under a door, or tied to a door-knocker. Pre-printed cards initially appeared in Georgian Britain, although they only became popular later on.

In 1382, Geoffrey Chaucer wrote his poem Parlement of Foules. The poem contains the first recorded instance of St Valentine's Day being linked to romantic love.

"For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery foul comyth there to chese his make."

Some argue that Chaucer was talking of May time when birds are more likely to mate in England. This coincides with the feast of St Valentine of Genoa that falls in May.

The less loved-up bought 'Vinegar Valentines' to use as an insult. These cards typically poke fun at a man's profession or a woman's appearance.

One example is a card that features a cartoon of a woman with a large nose. It reads:

"On account of your talk of others’ affairs
At most dances you sit warming the chairs.
Because of the care with which you attend
To all others’ business you haven’t a friend."

At the end of the 5th century, Pope Gelasius I declared 14 February to be Valentine's Day. He attempted to reclaim the festival of the Romans and Christianise it.

It is not certain which St Valentine this day was initially dedicated to
. Both saints were martyred in Rome: Valentine of Terni around AD 197 and Valentine of Rome around AD 496.

  • Victims can become creators who do not succumb to the temptation to wallow in the unfairness of it all. Let us be outcome-oriented instead of being problem-oriented.
  • Persecutors can become challengers who urges the victims to clarify their needs and focus on their own learning and personal growth.
  • Rescuers can become coaches who sees the victims being able to make their own choices and who can solve their own problems. They help the creators see the possibilities for positive action.
  • Don't engage: Getting involved in a drama is a choice.
  • Question the prevailing beliefs: Do not believe everything you're thinking. Ask yourself first if your involvement would really help?
  • Take on a different role in the conflict: Instead of playing with dysfunctional roles we can choose to play constructive ones instead. We can choose not to be the victim, the persecutor, or the rescuer.
Distracted by Drama

We can't deny that drama surrounds us everywhere we go. We can see it on social media or on television and despite of our best intentions to not get involved, we can't seem to avert our attention away from it.

From a biological standpoint, we are hardwired to love the novelty, the constant stimulation that the drama provides. However, drama does not lead us towards meaningful lives and it keeps us from the stillness and reflection and deep conversation that make our lives meaningful.

The Karpman Drama Triangle

The Karpman Drama Triangle was developed in 1968 by psychologist Stephen Karpman in order to exhibit our dysfunctional behavior towards interpersonal drama.

He recognized the feelings of entertainment and addiction towards conflicts despite of its harmful effects to our mental health. There are three roles in a conflict:

  1. The victim
  2. The persecutor
  3. The rescuer.
  • The Victim: While they are not the actual victims, they are the ones who often feel oppressed and victimized. They are self-pitying and act helpless most of the time.
  • The Persecutor: Is made out to be controlling and critical by the victims. However, when we do take up this role we are often angry, rigid, and have feelings of superiority.
  • The Rescuer: They are known as the enablers; they don't actually help the victims because they keep the victims stuck in their roles.

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