Love & Family

54 STASHED IDEAS

A concern that comes with a friendship breakup is how it will affect your wider group of friends.

  • Don't hide what's happening. When friend groups don't have healthy boundaries as part of their friend culture, it can happen that the whole group will fall away when one person falls out with another person in the group. If this happens, it means those friendships weren't healthy to start with.
  • Maintaining healthy boundaries means that it is OK to connect differently with one another in a group.
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Love & Family

To the brain, a breakup is a breakup. The feelings tied up in a friendship is profound, and the loss thereof can cause some people to wrestle through stages of grief.

Be honest with other people in your life about what you're going through.

We often assume that friendships will last forever. Because we don't view the loss of a friendship as normal, it feels like we have failed and should be ashamed of it.

But that is not true. Friendships sometimes aren't meant to be, and maintaining them can be unhealthy.

The loss of a friendship

Losing someone you thought would always be in your life can be devastating.

But friendship breakups are inevitable, and we need to learn how to deal with them in healthy ways.

Once you understand the impact of the breakup on your life, then you can treat it appropriately. It might mean talking through things with someone you trust or giving yourself space to grieve.

To help you move on, use the language of gratitude that puts the relationship in the past tense. "I'm so thankful they were in my life during that season."

The loss of a friend should not make you feel unworthy.

We often find our identity in our friends. When a friendship is over, we may lose that sense of belonging and acceptance. This is all the more reason to find a sense of self-worth that is innate.

With a romantic partner, you will usually have a breakup conversation. But the nature of a friendship makes it hard to make it final.

Diagnosing what went wrong and how is it affecting you can be helpful. Then try to get clarity from your friend to gain a sense of closure. If a friendship ended badly, you may have to accept that you won't get a final conversation. Try to stop rehashing what you should have said and done. If you did something wrong, you need to apologise.

Narcissism As A Defence Mechanism
  • The term Narcissist is named after the beautiful Narcissus, a youth in Ancient Greece who was so self-obsessed with his own reflection that it killed him.
  • A narcissistic attitude is a product of self-loathing, and not self-love, according to an academic study.
  • Narcissism is mostly misunderstood and is in fact a cover-up or a defence mechanism on one’s negative self-worth and deep insecurities.
  • Narcissism can be described as performative self-elevation, where one pretends to be more successful or important than one really is.
  • Grandiose narcissists are in a complete self-delusion and believe every word they say. Some experts classify this category of narcissists as psychopaths.
  • Vulnerable narcissists don;t believe what they are saying; they are seekers of fame and status, probably due to some psychological wounds at an early age.

The relationship between an overfunctioner and an underfunctioner translates into dangerously reinforcing each other's habits: The overfunctioner takes on more than their fair share of responsibility from housework to finances while only reinforcing the underfunctioner's dependency.

A relationship like this often curdles that could to lead to fighting or nagging. This applies not only to romantic relationships but it could also be happening at work and between family members.

In situations as such where nagging becomes constant and it's unbearable to stand, Harriet Lerner, suggests that the overfunctioner needs to take a step back and do less.

The overfunctioner should potentially allow bad things to happen. This is called the "hanging in" method.

Overfunctioner vs. Underfunctioner

When faced with challenges which of the two sounds more like you?

  • You switch into fixing mode. You like taking control of things, make to-do lists and finish the tasks in the lists as soon as possible, and you like giving out advice; or
  • You pull back, plead assistance from anyone who would give you the time of day, you hope that other people will take responsibility.

If you're the former, then you're more likely to be an overfunctioner while the latter, an underfunctioner.

The Five Languages Of Love

We express or receive love in five fundamental ways:

  • Acts of service (like washing the partner’s car).
  • Spending quality time.
  • Words of affirmation or motivation.
  • Gifts
  • Touch, intimacy and closeness.

Often, the two partners have different love languages, and there may be misunderstandings about not receiving the kind of love that is being given by one partner.

One needs to have a constant, open line of communication to ensure there is never a need to ‘talk’, which only happens because it wasn’t happening by default.

If one partner feels stuck in a relationship, it is a great idea to talk and clear out things and then decide what one’s role would be in response to that. One cannot impose one’s own line of thinking all the time.

When Other People Frustrate You

We want people to be less rude, to do certain things, to avoid doing certain things, and to change their lives, eventually feeling frustrated when we realize that we cannot control them and it is impossible to change anyone.

The core error we make all the time is that we want others to be in a certain way, which almost never happens. The other alternative which hardly anyone follows is to let others be whatever they want to be and be at peace even if they are annoying.

  1. Understand that you don’t control anyone and people can live however they want.
  2. See the good side of others and let go of the ideals that you have in your head.
  3. Understand that even they are coping with many things, and trying to do their best in their own struggle.
  4. Try to listen to them, empathize and make them feel accepted.

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