“You need to forgive and forget in order to grow, to become bigger and better.” Forgiving someone, especially if they’ve wronged you and hurt you, is not easy. You need to work on it. You need to do it, not for them, but for yourself. It is never easy to forgive and forget. But if you can forgive someone, someone who has caused you a lot of pain, someone who hurt you so much that everything around you seemed dark, if you can forgive a person like that, if you can move on from that, make a better life for yourself and be happy, then Nothing and No one can break you.

Why should you forgive? 

forgiving is hard, but you need to do it, for yourself...because you deserve better

Self care

WHY SHOULD YOU FORGIVE?

Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t “deserve” it.&nbsp;Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety.

1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters

Self Improvement

Practice forgiveness, it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to be what I call “forgivingly fit.”Just as you would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart muscles slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.

2. Become “forgivingly fit”

It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust.

3. Address your inner pain

When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. To find meaning is not to diminish your pain or to say, I’ll just make the best of it or All things happen for a reason.

4. Find meaning in your suffering

Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That’s OK—we all have our own timelines for when we can be merciful.

5. When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths

When people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. Empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.

 6. Develop a forgiving mind through empathy

Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. In self-forgiveness, you honor yourself as a person, even if you are imperfect.

7. Forgive yourself

When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s life.

8. Develop a forgiving heart

Forgiveness can be incredibly difficult. Robert Enright explains where to start.

Eight Keys to Forgiveness

We all cause harm to our partner and the intimacy between us. We make mistakes that are foolish and unintentional and sometimes launch attacks on purpose. 
When you wound another, apologize. Don't ignore the mistakes. When you inflict wounds, they can accumulate. Unacknowledged wounds can build a wall between you.

Causing unintentional harm

Love & Relationships

A good apology takes two people: the giver and the receiver. An apology that heals is based on kindness, generosity, and compassion. The recipient accepts it with grace and, in turn, offers forgiveness. Without forgiveness, it cannot heal.

How to give an apology

<ul>
<li>Repair: An apology that rebuilds intimacy should have three parts: you need to own the mistake, and then you need to repair the damage. Lastly, you need to vow to improve.</li>
<li>Forgive:  If you have been hurt, you may never completely forget, but you can choose to forgive. To decide to forgive means that you don't relive something that belongs to the past.</li>
<li>Begin again: Unfinished business will accumulate. Let go of the small and the large wounds, so they don't pile up. </li>
</ul>

The mindful apology in practice

Whoever said "Love means never having to say you're sorry" must have been married to a stuffed unicorn. Or a plastic potted plant. Because if they were in a relationship with a human, that statement likely turned into "Love means I'm on a dirt road to divorce court because I never say I'm sorry."

Love & Family

The art of the mindful apology

Forgiveness is choosing to not let negative events of the past define how you feel.
Forgiveness can keep your emotional body healthy. It increases feelings of happiness and decreases feelings of anger and grief, reduces anxiety and depression, improves your relationships and makes you less self-conscious or insecure.

Forgiveness

You can forgive someone and still maintain a boundary. They may not even necessarily know you forgave them.
When you hold onto anger towards yourself or others, it weighs you down, drains your energy and increases your stress.

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting

Resentment forces you to live in the past by fixing that person to that past moment.Do not let yourself or the relationship be defined by anger. The ability to forgive and move on is critical for maintaining a healthy and happy relationship with the people you care about.

Living in the past

We all can succumb to behaviors that are not reflective of who we really are. Separating the action from the person is crucial to find some closure.

Separate the action from the person

Most people who appear to take some pleasure in hurting you have some pain in their own lives. Most feel justified in what they are doing; otherwise, they would do something else.
Whatever this person has done, look for some explanation of their motivation. These are not excuses, just explanations. Before you forgive someone, it helps to understand the reason for their actions.

Understand people's motivation

Forgiveness is ultimately a form of empathy - it is taking whatever pain motivated the person and imagine that you have that same pain yourself. 
If forgiveness is the ability to see the person as a multi-faceted human being, empathizing with them is what gets you there.

Empathize

Once you've empathized with the person and decided they are also just human, ask yourself what role you want them to have in your life.
<ul>
<li>Set rules. Define which behaviors you will and won't accept.</li>
<li>Decide on consequences if someone breaks your rules.</li>
<li>Communicate the above calmly.</li>
</ul>

Mark your boundaries

Let go of the emotional attachment that you've developed. Let the hatred and anger dissolve, let the thoughts of revenge and misfortune die.

Eliminate Emotional Attachment

We all do things in our lives that we regret, and then we hold on to shame and guilt. The process to forgive yourself is the same: 
<ul>
<li>Separate the action from yourself.</li>
<li>Understand your motivation. Was it insecurity or ignorance that drove you to do this thing?</li>
<li>Empathize with yourself. How much stuff do you blame yourself for that was not your fault?</li>
<li>Mark your boundaries. </li>
<li>Eliminate emotional attachment. There are better things to do with your energy than hating yourself.</li>
</ul>

How to Forgive Yourself

Frank then went home, loaded his guns into his truck, and drove around town looking for targets. He passed a Chevron station. Outside, a man with a long beard and turban named Balbir Singh Sodhi was planting flowers in front of the gas station he managed.

How to Forgive but Not Forget | Mark Manson

By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution with it. This can be a gradual process—and it doesn't necessarily include the person who wronged you.

<ul><li>You're filled with thoughts of retribution or revenge</li><li>You enjoy feeling superior</li><li>You don't know how to resolve the situation</li><li>You're addicted to the adrenaline that anger provides</li><li>You self-identify as a "victim"</li><li>You're afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect—or lose your connection.</li></ul>

Why forgiveness is so hard

If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts.<ul><li>Think about the incident that angered you.&nbsp;Accept that it happened,&nbsp;how you felt about it and how it made you react.</li><li>Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened.&nbsp;What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries?</li><li>Think about the other person.&nbsp;When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way?</li><li>Decide if you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her.</li></ul>

When you desire to forgive

Whether it's a spouse who was unfaithful, a parent who let you down as a child, or a friend who shared something told in confidence, we all must face the question of whether and how to forgive. After you are wronged and the initial wave of emotion has passed, you're presented with a new challenge: Do you forgive the person?