Ordering someone in the office to come to you may feel like you have authority but can damage their respect for you. Instead, saying in a calm voice, "Would you mind if we chatted for a bit?" or "May I talk to you?" is more effective as people feel they can act of their free will.

"Come here!"

Five common truths that apply to people regardless of age, culture, or race, are:<ol><li>People want to be treated with dignity and respect.</li><li>People want to be asked, not told to do something.</li><li>People want to know why they are asked or ordered to do something.</li><li>People want to be given choices rather than threats.</li><li>People want a second chance.</li></ol> If you want to say something and it goes against any of the 5 rules, it's best not to say them. It's better to explain why something is a certain way. If you don't know, find out.

 “Because those are the rules.”

<h1>The words "Calm down!" makes people feel criticised and suggests their reasons are invalid for being upset.</h1><h1></h1><h1>Instead of saying, "Calm down," try saying, "It's going to be alright. Talk to me. What's the matter?" It shows that you want to understand the person's circumstances better and are open to talking things through.</h1>

“Calm down!”

This phrase is a lie, as most people say it repeatedly. Instead, try saying in a calm voice, “Listen, it’s essential that you get this point, so pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you.” Another technique is to list what you want the person to do and encourage them to consider it.

“I’m not going to say this again.”

This phrase sounds sarcastic and does not help the conversation. It may also seem like you want to duck responsibility. Instead, think of ways to help the person solve the problem or point the person toward someone who can help them if you are unable to help. If neither of the options is possible, offer an apology. For example, “I’m sorry, I do not know what to recommend, but I wish I did.”

“What do you want me to do about it?”

The problem with this phrase is that the problem bounces right back onto the person who requires help. It also signals a "you-versus-me" battle rather than an "us" discussion. Choose to soften your language by asking, "What's the matter?" or "How can I help?"

“What’s your problem?”

The question implies that someone is acting out of line and makes people defensive. First choose words of reassurance, then paraphrase what the perceived problem is. “Let me see if I understand your position…”

“Why don’t you be reasonable?”

When it comes to both relationships and communication, I never would have imagined that the most valuable book I’d ever read would be written by a cop. But the late George J. Thompson — aka “Doc…

Stashed ideas

The 7 Phrases You Should Never Say to Anyone

Group chat is an important tool in the communications toolbox. It is valuable for special cases and less useful for general cases. When used appropriately and sparingly, it's great. But it becomes a potential enemy when it systematically controls and diverts your attention away from doing great work.&nbsp;

Group chat and messaging tool for business

<ul><li>Hashing things out quickly. Throw in some words and a picture, get some quick feedback and move on.</li><li>Red alerts, such as a crisis or a server that's down.</li><li>Having fun is essential. A chat works great to develop culture, make inside jokes, emojis, and meme generators.</li><li>A sense of belonging. This is vital for remote workers to greet, let people know they're out for lunch, and generally feel part of something.</li></ul>

Group chat is great for

Group chat as the main method of communication leads to:<ul><li>Mental fatigue and exhaustion. Group chat feels like an all-day meeting with no agenda.</li><li>An ASAP culture. Everything must happen now!&nbsp;</li><li>Fear of missing out or not having a say. If you don't pay attention all the time, you might lose out.</li><li>Thinking a line at a time instead of complete thoughts at a time. People can jump in before you can fully present yourself.</li><li>Implied consensus because "we talked about it in the chat room."</li><li>Knee-jerk responses. You only have a small window to make your point before the writing scrolls away.</li><li>Lack of context.</li></ul>

Group chat as the primary method of communication

As a rule of thumb, use group chat in real-time sometimes, asynchronous most of the time.<ul><li>Don't expect everyone to be in chat all day.</li><li>If it's important, slow down. The conversation is not suitable for a chat room.</li><li>Announcements aren't chats. Send announcements via email or whatever that provides synchronous communication.</li><li>Give everyone a chance to have a say. Thoughtful feedback = time + an answer, not just an answer.</li><li>Treat group chats like conference calls. Limit it to three people as more can become chaotic.</li><li>Summarise instead of drip information.</li><li>It's OK to be unavailable.</li></ul>

How to make a real-time/asynchronous split work

We still lean on chat too much, and I'd like to see us make a major effort to cut back. Understanding the positives and negatives, and how they play off one another, is central to getting the most out of something. Ignoring the pros because the pros are so good, or dismissing the pros because the Cons are so bad, leaves you with a false sense of comfort and a cloudy picture of the reality on the ground.

Since then, quite a few business chat and messaging tools like Hipchat, Flowdock, Slack and others have sprung up. And we’ve since rolled group chat and instant messaging (we call them “pings”) into…

Is group chat making you sweat?

Research shows that most people complain once a minute during a typical conversation. When you repeat a behaviour, such as complaining, it rewires your brain to make future complaining more likely.&nbsp; Over time, you find it's easier to be negative than to be positive, regardless of what's happening around you.&nbsp;

How Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity

When you complain, your body releases the stress hormone cortisol.&nbsp; Cortisol shifts you into fight-or-flight mode, directing oxygen, blood, and energy away from everything but the systems essential to immediate survival.

Complaining Is Also Bad for Your Health

Since human beings are inherently social, our brains naturally and unconsciously mimic the moods of others we are interacting with.&nbsp; This process is called neuronal mirroring, and it’s the basis for our ability to feel empathy.&nbsp;

It’s Not Just You…

<ul><li>Have a clear idea about what outcome you want. If you can’t identify a purpose, there’s a good chance you just want to complain for its own sake.</li><li>Start with something positive such as a compliment.</li><li>Be specific. Just address the current situation and not every minor annoyance from the past 20 years.</li><li>End on a positive.</li></ul>

The Solution to Complaining

Research shows that most people complain once a minute during a typical conversation. Complaining is tempting because it feels good, but like many other things that are enjoyable — such as smoking or…

Every recruiter will ask about your salary expectations when you first start interviewing. Do not give them a number. Instead, ask for the range they’re budgeted for the role.Bonus points: If you’re junior/mid, time all your interviews so you get offers around the same time. If you’re senior, get some press before you start meeting folks.

1. Negotiation starts earlier than you think

Go into the interview ready not just to answer questions but to ask some of your own. You will use this as ammunition to negotiate later. Here are a few examples of what you should ask:<ul><li>What’s the biggest priority for the team right now?</li><li>Why is this role open?</li><li>What’s the biggest challenge for someone stepping into this role?</li><li>How does the org structure on the team work?</li></ul>

2. Mine for intel during interviews

Most experienced recruiters will ask you again to put up a number for your salary.What recruiters say: “If you give me your number, I will make it happen for you.” What they mean: “I’ll get you something lower, but kinda close to what you asked for.”

3. Don’t give in to the pressure

At FAANG-size companies (i.e. over 5K employees), compensation is heavily formulaic, often with a “compensation committee” who sets your salary. Your recruiter gets a number to go with and every time you negotiate they have to go back to that committee to ask for a re-evaluation.Unfortunately, this may hurt your chances of getting more on your offer later. Most companies will consider “new information,” like another offer, to reopen a negotiation. Don’t forget, an offer to stay from your existing company also counts!

4. At FAANG, your recruiter may have no say at all

Your initial offer speaks volumes, if you know how to interpret the data.Initial offer comes in low: The team may have felt that you have a lot of “room for growth.” Ask the interviewer to share feedback in order to fix any misconceptions before you ever negotiate.Middle of the road: It likely means you don’t have a strong advocate on the interview loop. Do not negotiate until you match with a team and you have a manager batting for you.&nbsp;Initial offer comes in top-of-band: There was likely a discussion about giving you a higher level.

5. Read between the lines

You may be dealing with the founder directly. It’s very likely there is no range for the role, as smaller companies have much less access to salary data. The goal at the initial offer conversation is to understand three things:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">The current state of the company (financing, runway, profitability)</li><li class="ql-align-justify">The plan for your role/function</li><li class="ql-align-justify">The value of the equity, considering exit scenarios</li></ul>

6. At a startup, the playbook is different

The next step is to upsell your worth before you come back with any kind of counteroffer. This is especially important if you’re going for a senior role.Ask for follow-up meetings with decision makers. If everyone wants you, you’ll be calling the shots later.Come prepared with three things, tailored to who you’re meeting:&nbsp;<ul><li>Questions about how you can create meaningful impact</li><li>Ideas based on your interviews so far</li><li>Bonus points: discussing obstacles to your taking the role and making them sell you on it</li></ul>

7. Your job is to win hearts and minds

Ask yourself these questions:&nbsp;<ul><li>Is the offer competitive? (Browse offers online)</li><li>Does it add up? (Consider taxes on bonuses and stock.)</li><li>If you have goaled comp, are the goals realistic?</li></ul>

8. OK, now get some good data

Not all offers are made equal — in fact, they are intentionally confusing. It seems obvious that you should look at the comp, but that’s not everything:<ul><li>Which company has a better trajectory?</li><li>How do promotions work?</li><li>Is your manager influential enough to pull for you when needed?</li><li>Is your product or team visible enough to get good resourcing?</li><li>What’s the company brand worth to your earnings trajectory?</li></ul>TL;DR: Getting paid more up-front doesn’t always mean you’ll make the most overall. Plan carefully.

9. Comparing offers

It can be awkward to ask for more money, but trust me, everyone expects you to do it.

10. Time to make an ask

“I need a competing offer.” Just being able to say you’re speaking to other companies is sufficient — you can quote the expected salaries for other roles if needed.“I need to provide copies of my other offers.” You can always say, you signed an NDA before every interview.“I should send the recruiter an email with my ask and justification.” Negotiating via email definitely leads to a worse outcome. If you want a meaningful/large increase is to have the conversation over the phone.&nbsp;

Myths 1/2

“If I find a number online, I can quote it as a reason to get more.” Nothing boils a recruiter’s blood more than “It says X on Glassdoor.” Have arguments prepared that are specific to your situation.“The best way to get more is to reiterate how qualified I am.” You already got interviewed and everyone’s read your resume. Use the information you collected during the interview to build additional arguments.“I need to be aggressive and threaten to walk if they don’t match.” If you want big moves, you need to collaborate with your recruiter, not make them an enemy.

Myths 2/2

Guest post by Niya Dragova, co-founder of Candor

Money

The 10 commandments of salary negotiation

<ul><li>Delete the word that. For example, "You believe that I'm lying."</li><li>Delete the words, I think. For example, "I think this is a good sentence."</li><li>Avoid words that end in -ing. For example, "The experiences we're seeking end up being underwhelming." becomes "The experiences we seek often underwhelm."</li><li>Write short sentences and paragraphs. Keep paragraphs to less than three sentences.</li><li>Shorten your opening sentence. Make it short, compelling and conversational.</li></ul>

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Each week I share helpful ideas in my For The Interested newsletter. Sign up here to get next week’s ideas. Following are the simplest tips I can give you to easily — and forever — improve the…