Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

30 Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”-Steven Wright

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”-Steven Wright

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”-Steven Wright

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”-Steven Wright

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”-Steven Wright

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”-Steven Wright

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”-Steven Wright

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”-Steven Wright

“All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.”-Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”-Steven Wright

“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”-Steven Wright

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”-Steven Wright

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”-Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”-Steven Wright

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”-Steven Wright

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”-Steven Wright

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”-Steven Wright

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”-Steven Wright

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”-Steven Wright

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”-Steven Wright

“Always try to be modest and be proud of it!”-Steven Wright

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”-Steven Wright

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”-Steven Wrigh

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”-Steven Wright

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”-Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”-Steven Wright

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”-Steven Wright

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”-Steven Wright

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”-Steven Wright

Discover STEVEN WRIGHT famous and rare quotes. Share motivational and inspirational quotes by STEVEN WRIGHT. "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?..."

Top 30 quotes of STEVEN WRIGHT famous quotes and sayings

We think we have time but in reality we never have it. Time is running at it's speed from the beginning of universe. It never stops. Ticking right now...tick tick...every minute every second is passing. It does not care about our problems, our worries, our intention, our goals, our ambitions....it will always moves forwards following the second law of thermodynamics.So what we can do here ?We can't manage time. It's not in our hands.We can only manage our life energies. We should work towards making our life energies more directed, control, sharp, enjoyable.

TIME : A Stubborn Illusion

Time is a interesting thing. Always moving forward. Never stops. Not even for second. Years had passed.. Billion of years but still moving forward. History has written. People came and gone but arrow of time never changes.Universe is unfolding in every moment, in every second following the second law of thermodynamics. The law which governs the Arrow of time. The law which gives Time it's direction.History of time is much older. Older than you and me, older than earth, older than our universe and your and my life is nothing compared to history of time....just a little drop in the ocean of Time

Top 30 quotes of STEVEN WRIGHT famous quotes and sayings

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Top 30 quotes of STEVEN WRIGHT famous quotes and sayings

Time

It's time to Read like a Pro.

Explore the World’sBest Ideas

200,000+ ideas on pretty much any topic. Created by the smartest people around & well-organized so you can explore at will.

An Idea for Everything

Powerful Saving & Organizational Tools

🥡

Think Outside the Box

🎓

Lifelong Learning 101

Take Your IdeasAnywhere

Organize your ideas & listen on the go. And with Pro, there are no limits.

Listen on the go

Never worry about spotty connections

Get Organized with Stashes

💵

Self-Made Billionaires Secrets

🧠

Inside The Mind of Elon Musk

It's time to
Read like a Pro.

Explore the World’s
Best Ideas

Take Your Ideas
Anywhere