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Adaline W.

@adalinew11

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Conflict mistaken for passion

Arguments and disagreements in relationships are normal, but screaming matches and every day fighting isn’t.

People who seek out conflict in their relationship for the intense reconciliation are often addicted to the dopamine that they get after the fight is over – which isn’t healthy for either person.

@adalinew11

7 Habits of a Toxic Relationship (That People Think Are Healthy)

powerofpositivity.com

Conflict mistaken for passion

Arguments and disagreements in relationships are normal, but screaming matches and every day fighting isn’t.

People who seek out conflict in their relationship for the intense reconciliation are often addicted to the dopamine that they get after the fight is over – which isn’t healthy for either person.

Keeping the peace

Ignoring problems in a relationship in order to avoid conflict will only mean that the problems pile up until they can no longer be ignored – and by then, it might be too hard to fix.

Keeping the peace

Ignoring problems in a relationship in order to avoid conflict will only mean that the problems pile up until they can no longer be ignored – and by then, it might be too hard to fix.

Keeping score

Keeping track of the things that you do, versus the things that they do is a way to create pressure and conflict where there should only be teamwork. 

Sit down together and work out a plan on things like chores or bills, and who does or pays what.

If your partner comes to you with something that you did that upset them, listening to what they have to say and talking through it is more important than defending yourself – or trying to come up with something worse than they did.

Never fighting

Having two people with two sets of values, opinions and thoughts means that disagreements are bound to happen.

When you have two people who never fight, it means that you have two people who aren’t being entirely honest with one another.

When we think that we need someone else, especially a romantic partner, to complete us and make us whole, it shows an unhealthy degree of dependency on another person.

Jealousy

Being jealous is actually a toxic behavior. We can’t control our feelings, and sometimes we get jealous over things. But it’s important not to express that jealousy in a way that can hurt our partners, or in a way that’s toxic and upsetting.

Fear of public speaking

Public speaking is one of the main fears, including forgetting what to say during a presentation.

But, memorising your presentation can make you more likely to forget it. This is partly because you limit yourself to one 'right way to communicate your message. If you deviate from your point, your brain identifies it as an error and panic sets in. This cause a heightened awareness of how you sound and causes you to be less connected and engaging.

The trick to public speaking is to stop memorizing

qz.com

The key to not forget what you want to say is to create a comprehensive outline that consists of the major points.

Three types of outlines are helpful:**

  • The traditional outline: You create and indented, hierarchical listing of your points and jot down key phrases.
  • The question-based outline: List questions that spark specific answers in the order you intend to cover your content.
  • The Illustrated based outline: You graphically map out your ideas using icons, pictures, and words.

Being comfortable will affect how you speak and how you remember your presentation.

  • When you practice, stand up, then speak, even if you plan to present sitting at a desk in front of a webcam.
  • Try recording yourself and then playing it back, listening to your own voice while standing and walking.

Close your eyes and envision your presentation unfolding in a familiar space such as your home or hiking path.

As you walk through your presentation, imagine putting different key ideas in certain locations in your imaginary route—for example, a catchy introduction at your front door and surprising results in your study. Practising your presentation in this way can help you more easily recall your points.

We feel compelled to memorise because public speaking makes us nervous, making us worse at remembering a memorised script.

Research shows that being excited can improve performance and confidence.

  • Try to flip your inner anxiety dialogue to excitement, such as getting to share something of value with your audience.
  • Visualise yourself being excited about giving your presentation. A day or two before speaking, close your eyes and imagine your most engaged, excited self and how you confidently deliver your presentation.
  • Ignoring context: Crossed arms don’t mean much if the room is cold or the chair they’re sitting in doesn’t have armrests. 
  • Not looking for clusters: It’s a consistent grouping of actions (sweating, touching the face, and stuttering together) that is really going to tell you something. 
  • Not getting a baseline: If someone is always jumpy, jumpiness doesn’t tell you anything. 
  • Not being conscious of biases: If you already like or dislike the person, it’s going to affect your judgment. 

How To Read People: 5 Secrets Backed By Research - Barking Up The Wrong Tree

bakadesuyo.com

Your first impressions are usually pretty accurate. But whether they are wrong or right, first impressions affect us in a big way and we are slow to change them.

You have to be willing to update them quite rapidly. 

  • Studies show that if someone seems extroverted, confident, religious or conscientious, they probably are.
  • We all pay more attention to pretty people, and so we tend to take the time to evaluate them.
  • If you want to know if someone is good at their job, watch them do it for 30-60 seconds. 
  • Funny people are smart: Effective humor production acts as an honest indicator of intelligence in humans.

Focus on unconscious behaviors that aren’t easily controlled and convey a clear message:

  • Speech mimicry and behavioral mimicry: if a person uses the same words and tone as you, it's usually a sign he/she feels emotionally in sync with you.
  • Trust people who are consistently emotionally expressive in their body language.
  • It is easier to learn to read and understand a new language than it is to speak it.
  • According to a recent study, the adult brain compartmentalizes speech in the left hemisphere, showing minimal plasticity.
  • As people become proficient in a language, their brains use both hemispheres to read and understand, but speech production remains cornered in the left hemisphere.

Neuroscientists have finally figured out why speaking a new language is so hard for adults

fastcompany.com

Every person can be a good public speaker

Keep these things in mind:

  • People remember stories, not facts. Try to make your points through a story, rather than rattling off the facts.
  • Don't try to speak like everyone else. Your unique style is really an advantage. Speak the same way you would to a friend. Carry yourself the way you usually would, and don't try to censor yourself, like not allowing yourself to smile or laugh.
  • Being nervous can actually help you. It gives you adrenaline, focus, and the ability to perform at your highest level.

3 Mindsets That Helped Me as a Public Speaker

inc.com

  1. Say it. Don't delay and don't try making excuses because that puts people in a place to ask more. Provide a brief explanation.
  2. Be assertive and courteous You might say, "I'm sorry I can't right now but will let you know when and if I can." This approach is polite, and puts you in a position of power by changing the dynamic. You're taking charge, telling people you'll let them know when and if you can.
  3. Understand peoples' tactics. Many people and organizations use manipulation techniques, whether knowingly or not.
  4. Set boundaries. When you truly understand the dynamic and your role, you won't feel as worried about the consequences of saying no. You'll realize that your relationship is solid and can withstand your saying no.
  5. Put the question back on the person asking. Let's say a supervisor is asking you to take on several tasks--more than you can handle. You might say, "I'm happy to do X, Y, and Z; however, I would need three weeks, rather than two, to do a good job. How would you like me to prioritize them?"
  6. Be firm. Stand firm, and don't feel compelled to give in just because that person is uncomfortable.
  7. Be selfish. Put your needs first. Not those of the person asking you for something.

7 Tips for Saying No Effectively

inc.com

  • People who can always find something else to blame.
  • People who blame themselves for everything, even when they’ve had nothing to do with an unfortunate outcome.
  • People who blame fate or a higher power, especially when there’s no one else who could conceivably have caused the outcome.
  • People who excuse themselves for the same negative behavior that they blame others for doing.

5 Reasons We Play the Blame Game

psychologytoday.com

This isn’t just false modesty or fishing for reassurance; some people do believe that they cause every bad thing all or most of the time.

Blaming yourself when something goes wrong might, relates to a general tendency to make internal attributions for failure in which you see yourself as inept, foolish, or irresponsible. That tendency might motivate you to attribute your successes to external factors, such as fate, chance or luck, as well. 

Theoretically, anyone who intentionally practices an immoral act is culpable regardless of the consequences. But in most cases, people sign up for what is called “moral luck”.

Moral luck is the belief that you should hold someone to blame only if the action causes harm to others, not for their intent, and according to it, those whose actions bring harm are more culpable.

  • Blame is a good defense mechanism and protects your self-esteem by avoiding awareness of your own failings.
  • Blame is a tool of attack that can hurt others and a destructive conflict resolution method.
  • We’re bad at analyzing people's behavior, or even our own. The attributions we make get distorted by our illogical judgments and our lack of ability to judge correctly.
  • Taking responsibility is harder than blaming others. 
  • It’s easy to blame someone else even though you know you’re at fault, especially knowing it would be hard for them to prove otherwise.

The more often you play the blame game, the more you lose. Learning to tell when you need to own up to your role in a bad situation will help you grow from your experiences, and ultimately help you achieve more fulfilling relationships.

Why we lack the courage to step up

Most of us think we will have the courage to confront someone to do the right thing, but we will often fail to step up when actually facing a situation.

  • One factor that prevents us from speaking up is our fear of the consequences, such as losing a friendship, getting a reputation as a troublemaker, or facing negative consequences in our professional careers.
  • Another factor is confusion about what we're actually witnessing. We don't want to step in and appear stupid or overly sensitive.

Six Tips for Speaking Up Against Bad Behavior

greatergood.berkeley.edu

Social psychologists have consistently found that people are more willing to take action in a clear emergency than in an ambiguous situation.

When facing an ambiguous situation, our natural tendency is to look to others for guidance. But if each person is looking to the people around them to act, no one wants to risk feeling foolish and embarrassed, and the problematic situation will be left unchallenged. However, we can sharpen specific skills for challenging bad behavior.

Find a quick and straightforward way of expressing concern or disapproval when you're dealing with bad behavior. This identifies that the action isn't a reasonable one for the person doing the negative thing and for the others observing it.

One study showed that the best confrontation was calm but direct: "Hey, that's not cool."

You can disarm a speaker by assuming that a comment is sarcastic. That way, it doesn't make the person who made the remark appear stupid or bad.

For example, you could respond to a sexist comment by saying, "I know you're just trying to be funny, but some people really do think that women are too emotional to be president!" Your response shows you disagree with their comment without making the person look bad.

To explain your reaction when witnessing bad behavior, make a personal connection to an insensitive remark. _For example, "I was raised in the Catholic church so that comment is hard for me to hear."

This reduces the risk to make the person engaging in a bad behavior feel nasty or defensive but indicates that you found their behavior wrong.

Learn and practice different techniques for responses to wrong behavior to help reduce inhibitions about speaking up.

Roleplaying various scenarios increase our confidence to intervene in a real-world situation.

For those who are not naturally courageous, finding someone who shares our concern can be essential to challenge prevailing social norms.

Speaking up can be far easier when you see the world from someone else's perspective.

For example, understanding what someone else goes through who is being bullied or assaulted will give you the courage to stand up for wrong behavior.

Online bravery

PC bravery is false bravery that comes from hiding behind a computer screen. It includes saying things online you would never say in person, threatening people you don't like, or making up lies to infuriate people (known as trolling).

On social media, the outspokenness and the cancel culture are heightened at the moment. Ill-conceived social media posts can trigger the downfall of a business or professional career.

Science explains why we’re so much more bold online, especially now

fastcompany.com

The theory examines the ability of a communication medium to effectively and accurately convey social cues.

Research on nonverbal communication estimated that 93% of communication is nonverbal. It is generally accepted that body language and facial expression influence our perceptions of other people and how we respond to them.

In groupthink, our desire for an unified opinion can override our ability to consider other viewpoints objectively.

A 2015 study found that 57% of Americans who use social media have posted or texted something they regret afterward. Numerous research connects increased screen time with a reduced ability to self-control or to finish a task.

Whenever you feel swept along in a virtual firestorm, ask yourself if you would deliver your response to this person face-to-face.

If a comment triggers anger in you, don't immediately fire back. Step away for a while before responding. Shut down your computer and take a walk.

The dark tetrad

Psychologists have found a link between a troll's behavior and a few personality traits:

  • Sadism: obtaining pleasure from another’s distress.
  • Psychopathy: being unable of empathy and regret.
  • Machiavellianism: manipulative behavior
  • Narcissism: the need for admiration.

Why People Become Internet Trolls

dradambell.com

After spending years building relationships with trolls and trying to understand them, journalist Ginger Gorman shares her findings in the the book Troll Hunting:

  • They are not uneducated persons, that lack social skills and live in their parents' basement.They have partners, children, and full-time jobs.
  • They show leadership skills as commanders of large trolling gatherings.
  • They are socially intelligent and capable of to identifying users’ weaknesses with precision.

The absence of nonverbal feedback leads to an “empathy deficit,” and this is what sociopaths suffer from.

If someone says something negative in person and makes you cry, he/she will possibly feel uncomfortable. Unless they're psychopaths, your misery will generate an empathic response and lead them to have mercy. If someone tweets something negative and makes you cry, no amount of emojis can transmit the image of a crying person. If there is no social cue to evoke an empathic response, they might continue their negative assault.

This means a temporary loss of a person's identity leading to behavior that is conflicting with their character. Anonymity offers protection from real-world social repercussions, and this has profound effects on human behavior.

If a lack of nonverbal cues is what makes us detached from the other person’s suffering, deindividuation is what makes us detached from the awareness of our misconduct.

When we denounce trolls as intrinsically malicious people, we limit our understanding of what may trigger these behaviors.

Trolling is somewhere in the grey between prosocial human and antisocial primate. Ultimately, our disposition for antisocial behavior in the real world is likely to predict similar online behavior.

  • Use anonymity only where it is necessary.
  • Foster empathy consciously, because it doesn’t come naturally to internet-based interactions.
  • Awareness of how we respond to distasteful comments can create space between us and our behavior.

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