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Connor K.

@conk20

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There isn't a bigger privilege than love.

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Nov 11, 2020

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The loss of a friendship

Losing someone you thought would always be in your life can be devastating.

But friendship breakups are inevitable, and we need to learn how to deal with them in healthy ways.

Connor K. (@conk20) - Profile Photo

@conk20

Love & Family

When Other People Frustrate You

We want people to be less rude, to do certain things, to avoid doing certain things, and to change their lives, eventually feeling frustrated when we realize that we cannot control them and it is impossible to change anyone.

The core error we make all the time is that we want others to be in a certain way, which almost never happens. The other alternative which hardly anyone follows is to let others be whatever they want to be and be at peace even if they are annoying.

Narcissism As A Defence Mechanism
  • The term Narcissist is named after the beautiful Narcissus, a youth in Ancient Greece who was so self-obsessed with his own reflection that it killed him.
  • A narcissistic attitude is a product of self-loathing, and not self-love, according to an academic study.
  • Narcissism is mostly misunderstood and is in fact a cover-up or a defence mechanism on one’s negative self-worth and deep insecurities.
  • Narcissism can be described as performative self-elevation, where one pretends to be more successful or important than one really is.
  • you feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain.
  • you feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time.
  • you find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating regularly.
  • you find yourself more invested in a person than you should.
  • you tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always be stuck in the middle of it.
  • you spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault.
Overfunctioner vs. Underfunctioner

When faced with challenges which of the two sounds more like you?

  • You switch into fixing mode. You like taking control of things, make to-do lists and finish the tasks in the lists as soon as possible, and you like giving out advice; or
  • You pull back, plead assistance from anyone who would give you the time of day, you hope that other people will take responsibility.

If you're the former, then you're more likely to be an overfunctioner while the latter, an underfunctioner.

The Five Languages Of Love

We express or receive love in five fundamental ways:

  • Acts of service (like washing the partner’s car).
  • Spending quality time.
  • Words of affirmation or motivation.
  • Gifts
  • Touch, intimacy and closeness.

Often, the two partners have different love languages, and there may be misunderstandings about not receiving the kind of love that is being given by one partner.

Losing Your Identity

Humans are social creatures, interdependent on one another. Socializing is at its core, a mental workout, and an essential part of brain development.

Being alone, one can start to lose the sense of who one is, as our identity requires a reflection from others to become real. Self-isolation, with zero interaction with other people, makes a person disappear gradually.

While the desire for quality time comes from a good place, it is not part of reality. 

One side of us is influenced by movies and wants everything to be special. But that ideal is almost impossible to live up to and often results in disappointment.

The Complicated Relationships With Our Parents

Parents, for many of us, are a complicated relationship. They can be a source of joy and can also feel like an emotionally draining ordeal.

Confronting them and making them understand how they hurt us is an ambitious option, which is rarely successful. While we may assume we can make them understand, we are surprised to hear them blame us for being immature, ungrateful and naive.

Creating routines

Too much is expected of modern relationships: your partner is supposed to fulfil roles that historically used to be spread out within communal structures. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend, lover, psychotherapist, child-care co-worker, and dishwasher.

What is essential during a crisis is to create boundaries, routines, and rituals. As best as possible, separate daytime and evening, week time and weekend, working time and idle time, family time and individual time. Routine creates a structure and brings a certain sense of order.

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