“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

-Groucho Marx

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

-Groucho Marx

“Whatever it is, I'm against it.”

-Groucho Marx

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

-Groucho Marx

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

-Groucho Marx

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

-Groucho Marx

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”

-Groucho Marx

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.”

-Groucho Marx

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 – 1977) was an American comedian, actor, writer, stage, film, radio, television star and vaudeville performer. He is generally considered to have been a master of quick wit and one of America's greatest comedians.

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

-Groucho Marx

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”

-Groucho Marx

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”

-Groucho Marx

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

-Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member”

-Groucho Marx

“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

-Groucho Marx

“Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.”

-Groucho Marx

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”

-Groucho Marx

“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

-Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

-Groucho Marx