Here’s a paradox: the more you pursue the positives, the more negative you’ll feel. Those who desperately want to be rich, worthy or happy will only end up feeling poorer, more unworthy or unhappy. On the other hand, the more you accept the negatives in your life, the better you’ll feel.We’re surrounded by so many messages about being positive that we tend to feel bad for feeling bad. Manson calls this the “feedback loop from hell”. A false positive desire turns into a negative thought or emotion. This thought or emotion then triggers a chain reaction of other negative thoughts and emotions.

The Feedback Loop from Hell

When we fail, we often have a choice. We can either give up and let the failure define us, or we can learn from our mistakes and use them as an opportunity to grow. Failing forward is about choosing the latter. It's about embracing failure as a part of the learning process and using it to become better.To keep in mind:<ul><li>If someone is better than you at something, then it’s likely because she has failed at it more than you have.</li><li>If we’re unwilling to fail, then we’re unwilling to succeed.</li></ul>

FAIL FORWARD

Disappointment Panda is a fictional bear who has the superpower of telling people the harsh truth about themselves. Manson uses Disappointment Panda to represent the part of ourselves that is afraid of failure, rejection, and disappointment."Disappointment Panda would be the hero that none of us would want but all of us would need. He'd be the proverbial vegetables to our mental diet of junk food. …He'd be the one who tells us the truth, even when we don't want to hear it."Mark Manson argues that we need to embrace Disappointment Panda and learn to accept the harsh truths about ourselves.

Disappointment Panda

To break the cycle of negativity:<ol><li>ACCEPTANCE: The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Mark invites us to think of our self-awareness as an onion. And to imagine our rational self as a disappointment panda.</li><li>ACTION: Action creates the motivation, not the other way around. To get out of a rut, doing something, no matter how small is the way fwd. Mark refers to this as the Do Something Principle. </li></ol>

Breaking the Feedback Loop from Hell

<ul><li>TAKE RADICAL RESPONSIBILITY. No matter what happens in your life, you can always choose how to react. </li><li>EMBRACE UNCERTAINTY. The only way to grow is to realize that your perspectives, knowledge, and even your values/beliefs aren’t absolute—they can always change or be proven wrong. </li><li>FAIL FORWARD. You should go for process-oriented values, and how to handle pain and fear to keep moving forward.</li><li>GET COMFORTABLE WITH REJECTION. Learning to say and hear “no” </li><li>CONTEMPLATE YOUR MORTALITY. Thinking deeply about death helps us to put our adversities in context and to appreciate life. </li></ul>

The 5 Counterintuitive Values for a Good Life

The principle states that the best way to overcome procrastination and make progress towards your goals is to simply take action, no matter how small.We often get stuck in a cycle of inaction because we're waiting for the perfect moment or the right amount of motivation to strike. However, action breeds motivation. When you take action, even if it's just a small step, you start to feel a sense of momentum:<ul><li>Don't wait for the perfect moment. Just start.</li><li>Break down your goals into small, manageable steps.</li><li>Reward yourself for taking action.</li><li>Don't be afraid to fail.</li></ul>

The Do Something principle

"Action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it’s the cause of it.”

If you fear death (or are preoccupied with ensuring that people remember you after you’re gone), you won’t be able to live fully.However, if you’ve confronted your mortality, can accept your life as a passing grain in the timelessness of the universe, and can focus on contributing to a wider cause that will outlive you, then you’ll find true peace and happiness, and become free to live each day to the fullest.

CONTEMPLATE YOUR MORTALITY

As we know that problems are inevitable, trying to avoid them makes no sense. Complaining about them and playing the victim card is also not going to help you in any way.So instead of being controlled by your problems, it is wiser to take responsibility and control them. When facing the problem, instead of crying over it and complaining that why problems always come in your way, think about its solution. Taking the responsibility for your problems don’t only make you stronger, but it also makes you smarter.

TAKE RADICAL RESPONSABILITY

"If you want the rewards, but not the struggle, you don’t really want it."

Self-awareness is like an onion, with many layers that can be peeled back to reveal deeper insights about us:<ol><li>The outermost layer is our public self. This is the self that we present to the world, and it is crafted to project a certain image. </li><li>Our private self, that we know ourselves to be. This layer is often more complex and messy than our public one, and it includes things that we are ashamed or afraid of.</li><li>At the bottom are our core values, beliefs & motivations. These layers are often hidden from us, and it can be difficult to access them.</li></ol>Happy peeling!

The Self-Awareness Onion

Uncertainty is a part of life, and we need to learn to embrace it. Mark Manson argues that trying to control everything in our lives is a fool's errand, and that we will only end up feeling stressed and anxious.Manson says that the best way to deal with uncertainty is to accept it. This doesn't mean that we have to like it, but we do need to accept that it's a part of life. Once we accept uncertainty, we can start to deal with it in a more productive way.

EMBRACE UNCERTAINTY

Learning to say and hear “no” can actually improve your life in 2 key ways: <ol><li>When you make a commitment to something, you must say “no” to something else. This doesn’t tie you down, but frees you from trivialities so you can focus on what’s most meaningful (e.g. deepening a relationship or mastering a craft);</li><li>To build healthy relationships, both parties must be able to say “no”, thrash out their differences, establish their boundaries and take ownership for their own problems: only then can true understanding trust and acceptance be established.</li></ol>

LEARN TO SAY & HEAR NO

Many of our modern values (success, positivity, greatness etc) can actually make us more insecure & miserable. The way to be happy and fulfilled, Manson says, is to not give a f*ck about everything we’re told to care about. Instead, get clear on what truly matters, focus your choices on those few priorities, and accept that in spite of that, you’ll still make stupid mistakes and suffer occasionally.He takes on the traditional self-help books, claiming that they reinforce the idea within you that you are not good at something, which leads to a “feedback loop from hell”.

What does it mean to not give a f*ck?

Mark Manson is the bad boy of self-help. Really enjoyed his ideas

#1 New York Times BestsellerOver 10 million copies soldIn this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger cuts through the crap to show us how to stop trying to be "positive" all the time so that we can truly become better, happier people.For decades, we’ve been told that positive thinking is the key to a happy, rich life. "F**k positivity," Mark Manson says. "Let’s be honest, shit is f**ked and we have to live with it." In his wildly popular Internet blog, Manson doesn’t sugarcoat or equivocate. He tells it like it is—a dose of raw, refreshing, honest truth that is sorely lacking today. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k is his antidote to the coddling, let’s-all-feel-good mindset that has infected American society and spoiled a generation, rewarding them with gold medals just for showing up.Manson makes the argument, backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes, that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to stomach lemons better. Human beings are flawed and limited—"not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault." Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties, once we stop running and avoiding and start confronting painful truths, we can begin to find the courage, perseverance, honesty, responsibility, curiosity, and forgiveness we seek.There are only so many things we can give a f**k about so we need to figure out which ones really matter, Manson makes clear. While money is nice, caring about what you do with your life is better, because true wealth is about experience. A much-needed grab-you-by-the-shoulders-and-look-you-in-the-eye moment of real-talk, filled with entertaining stories and profane, ruthless humor, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k is a refreshing slap for a generation to help them lead contented, grounded lives.

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Mark Manson (born 1984) is a professional blogger, entrepreneur, and former dating coach. Since 2007, he's been helping people with their emotional and relationship problems. He has worked with thousands of people from over 30 different countries. He regularly writes and updates his blog at: www.markmanson.net