A leadership and professional coach and also one of the best listeners in the world (according to some), Carolyn shares wisdom on how to be better at it.

Becoming A Better Listener

Don't just listen to the words the other person is saying but also try to infer why they are saying them.Don't operate on the level on semantics but at the level of pragmatics, linguistically speaking. Because once you do the other person feels seen and heard and makes for a much more engaging conversation

Go Deeper When Listening

The way we use words has a large bearing on how we make meaning of the world. Changing your vocabulary can change your perception of reality.For example, if you think "I have to go home to spend time with my family" it makes it a chore. Whereas if you think "I choose/want to spend time with my family" it becomes an enjoyable activity.

Words Help Us Make Sense Of The World

It sounds easy and hard at the same time. There is usually a set of questions we keep asking, either ourselves or others. These questions shift our focus to specifics. When you pick up questions that others ask, it allows you to broaden that focus, and in turn become better at asking questions.

Ask Better Questions

People are trying to achieve something when listening.<ol><li>Listening to win. What most people do. When you listen only to put forward your own argument. It is rarely needed and not very fruitful.</li><li>Listening to Learn. Approaching a conversation with an open mind and actually hearing what the other person has to say, deviod of bias. Harder to do but more generally applicable.</li><li>Listening to fix. When you understand the problem a person is facing and try to fix it. Powerful in the workplace and with family</li></ol>

Listening Has Objectives

While not directly tied to listening, it is very important to keep in mind. She does not mean your social, gender, or political identity but rather who you think you are. Things we say such as "I would never do that" creates this type of identity. Manufacturing an Us vs Them.

Language Shapes Our Identity

Active listening is a rare skill in today's world. One that can set you apart from your peers.

Acclaimed executive coach and leadership development specialist Carolyn Coughlin discusses tips to help you become a better listener, including why the language we use with each other and with ourselves is so important, the three different types of listening, the most common skill she teaches that makes an immediate impact, and how to help your kids become better listeners.

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00:00 - Intro
01:06 - Adult Development Theory, explained
05:32 - “Have to” vs. “Want to”
10:06 - On finding balance in life
15:50 - Listening below the surface
17:40 - How language limits our progress
20:42 - Language and identity
26:04 - How language creates a status-based hierarchy
28:37 - The social impacts of remote work
32:45 - Remote work’s impact on trust
36:30 - Strategies to create trust remotely
40:18 - On creating your identity through language
41:20 - How to create conditions for success
48:30 - How to improve your listening skills
52:27 - How to coach your kid to listen better
57:56 - Can we improve ourselves?
01:04:50 - How to ask better questions
01:10:50 - Common skills Coughlin teaches others
01:17:40 - How to get a new perspective
01:23:00 - What Coughlin used to waste her time on
01:28:45 - Best leadership books Coughlin recommends
01:32:00 - Coughlin’s definition of success


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Language Shapes Our Identity

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