Relational Ambivalence is the experience of contradictory thoughts and feelings—of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear, contempt and envy—toward someone with whom we are in a relationship. We are taught that love is unconditional, passion is absolute, and that finding “the one” should clear us of all doubt. But relationships are never black and white. We learn that romantic love is supposed to flood us with certainty and thus there is no room for ambivalence. But ambivalence is as intrinsic to relationships as love itself.

Relational Ambivalence

We experience relational ambivalence with our parents and our siblings. We feel the tug between the parts of us that are forever entwined with them and the parts of us that want to separate ourselves.We experience it with our children, those beings who teach us a love we’ve never known as well as an unparalleled frustration that can incite harmful thoughts.We experience it with our friends, the ones we don’t really want to see but end up feeling obligated to invite to our wedding.

I Love To Hate You

When it comes to romantic relationships, “till death do us part” isn’t just a vow, it’s a plan. But what happens when plans change? What happens when we’re not meeting each others’ needs? What happens when we make mistakes or when the person we love behaves in a way we can’t tolerate? How about when the relationship gets tainted with lies, betrayal, or duplicity? We suddenly remember that love can hurt, and hurt deeply. And one of the most challenging experiences of ambivalence is when we find ourselves still loving the person who has hurt us deeply.

Till Death Do Us Part

Ambivalence is an uncomfortable feeling. Heavy with contradictions, it makes us doubt our feelings and choices. It can cause us to think we’ve failed or that, no matter what decision we make, we will fail. This discomfort makes us crave a definitive answer. So we force ourselves one way or the other. It usually falls along three lines:<ul><li>Option 1: We Leave. We cut and run. </li><li>Option 2: We justify staying even though it doesn’t feel right.</li><li>Option 3: We hold the ambivalence.</li></ul>

The Three Options

We often think we need to resolve the tension and come to a resolution. Sometimes we do (in abusive relationships, especially). In most situations, however, holding the ambivalence is, in itself, a form of radical acceptance.  This option asks us to sit with the feeling of ambivalence for a while. Stop trying to justify, stop negotiating, and just sit with it. Can we accept that we can wholly love a person without having to love every part of them?  Maybe it’s healthy to allow ourselves to really, really not like the person we love sometimes.

The Bottom Line

“Relational Ambivalence” is the experience of contradictory thoughts and feelings—of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear, contempt and envy—toward someone with whom we are in a relationship. It exists in every relational configuration, but we put a lot of pressure on romantic love, in particular, to rise above it. Read more on how ambivalence shows up in your romantic relationships and the common responses to it.

Stashed ideas

Esther Perel's Blog - The Myth of Unconditional Love in Romantic Relationships

Interactions with chatbots have become increasingly common in our daily lives. But when asking for information or trying to solve a problem, we’re often annoyed when the chatbot either can’t understand or misinterprets our inquiry.Even worse is when it advises us to contact the call centre or visit a web page, which defeats the purpose of using chatbots in the first place.

The Trouble With Chatbots

There are two main reasons for negative user experiences.<ul><li>Organisations often present the chatbot as too “human”, leading to unrealistic expectations about the chatbot’s ability to understand human language.</li><li>Many chatbots are rule-based and have a narrow knowledge base, which means grammatical and syntactical errors can throw them off and complex questions often can’t be answered, disappointing customers.</li></ul>

The Two Factors

Although it’s easy to blame the chatbot for a miserable experience, we need to realise that, just as it takes two hands to clap, it takes both chatbot and customer to create a satisfactory interaction.While previous studies have focused mainly on the chatbot, including why companies implement them and the design cues that characterise them, there hasn’t been much consideration of the customer’s role in these interactions.

Two Hands To Clap

We find that to create constructive, meaningful engagement with a chatbot, the actions and reactions of the customer and a willingness to make it work are as important as the chatbot’s own functionality.We identified six distinct types of human-chatbot interactions: socialising, collaborating, challenging, accommodating, committing, and redirecting.These vary depending on who is driving the conversation (the chatbot or the customer), how “real” they perceive each other to be, their social cues, and the customer’s effort.

Understanding Chatbots

Collaborating interactions are those conversations where both the chatbot and the customer work together on the customer’s needs, such as booking a flight or understanding the root cause of a problem and identifying solutions.Both socialising and collaborating interactions involve smooth exchanges between the chatbot and customer and mostly lead to positive outcomes.

Meaningful Interactions With A Non-Human

Accommodating interactions are ones where the customer is in the driver’s seat, helping the chatbot understand their needs by changing the way they phrase the question or statement, repeating their request or clarifying their intent.People see the novelty of chatbots as an open invitation to challenge them and see when it breaks. This type of interaction usually leads nowhere, since most chatbots aren’t trained for off-topic questions such as “do you want to marry me?” or “what is the meaning of life?”.

Off Topic Questions

Based on our research, we provide three tips for your next encounter with a chatbot:<ul><li>Remember that a chatbot is not human and many chatbots can’t understand nuanced natural language, so try not to use complex sentences or provide too much information at once</li><li>Don’t give up too quickly – if the chatbot doesn’t understand your question or request the first time, try to use keywords, menu buttons (if available) or short sentences</li><li>Give it a second chance – chatbots acquire new “skills” over time, so it might now be able to solve a problem or answer a question it couldn’t two months ago.</li></ul>

Three Keys To Success

<ul><li>Reimagine a customer service team – involve people in the redesign of customer service delivery through a mix of chatbots and actual employees</li><li>Treat chatbots like a new (digital) employee – spend time and effort extending their skills</li><li>Find the sweet spot for escalating an enquiry to a contact centre employee – some chatbots refer People too early (causing congestion), while others offer the option frustratingly late. Experiment to find the right timing</li><li>Monitor the chat interactions – learn how and what questions customers ask and extend your chatbot’s knowledge base accordingly.</li></ul>

Organisational tips

New research puts the spotlight on how customers deal with chatbots and suggests ways to improve these sometimes frustrating experiences.

'Sorry, I don’t understand that' – the trouble with chatbots and how to use them better

Minimalism has been talked about a lot in the past few years, with people like Marie Kondo, the international ‘declutter’ specialists, advising home architects and organizations on how to live without buying too much.
2021 is seeing another shift: the pendulum swinging back towards maximalism, as claimed by many authoritative publications.

Style Is A Pendulum

2020 has been a transformative year for many of us, changing our relationships, work profiles, health and homes. Most of us look at life differently and often go into states of insecurity, suffering and instability. Minimalism has got a big blow due to the pandemic.

The Pandemic Is The Inflection Point

Minimalism was a repackaged version of materialism but advertised as something completely opposite. It was preaching consumers nothingness and claiming that it was the ultimate luxury.  It had its own set of toys(expensive paperweights), rituals, practices and methods that many fell for. Zero is a state of mind not many can come to, and those who do, cannot stay for long.

Minimalism: The Zero State

Now that people have again started buying interior decor and other stuff, it is hard to believe how minimalism even became a fad. The empty rooms have now started getting filled not due to showiness, but out of fun, diversity and a need for change. People have tasted minimalism and the new love for maximalism has the lessons and language learned over the years baked in, like wellness, health, virtue and sustainability.

Maximalism: The Current Swing Of The Pendulum

<ul><li>Minimalism was about controlling the speed of the world, avoiding whiplash. </li><li>Maximalism is about filling the long void of loneliness, boredom and isolation.</li></ul> The past few years most people have been interacting virtually with other people, having human experiences like dates, webinars, meetings, without any real humans present near them. The cold, digital life needs an outlet, and maximalism is just the therapy that is needed.

Minimalism And Maximalism: Slow And Fast

Marie Kondo's decluttering dominance is over. Make way for maximalism, where the more stuff, the merrier

More Is More: The End of Minimalism

Before hosting, figure out your reason for gathering. Ask yourself how you actually want to spend your time, with whom, in what way.We often make the mistake of conflating the category (e.g. birthday party) with the purpose (e.g. to surround yourself with the people who bring out the best in you).A purpose doesn't have to be serious, but simply adding an intention can begin to shape the group's experience of the night.

 The Art Of Gathering: Give Your Gathering A Purpose

Group size matters. It can fundamentally affect people's behavior, and there's actual science to it, too. This is where determining a clear purpose behind your gathering can help as well. It allows you to explain your reasons behind a particular guest list, the way you can't if the party is vague.6 is a good size for a really connected conversation. 8 to 12 is a great size for a buzzy, dinner party where you're much more likely to have small group conversations. 20 to 30 feels more like a party.

Think About Your Guest List

Setting expectations can be a powerful tool. It primes your guests through a temporary social contract, so they know how to show up (and what to show up with) before even walking through the door.Give your gathering a name and make the purpose clear — whether it's catching up with old friends or welcoming new ones to the neighborhood.

Set Expectations In Your Invite

Generous authority means imposing in a way that serves your guests. It's about striking a balance between warmth and order.<ul><li>Part of taking care of the life of the group is protecting them — either from sheer boredom or from each other.</li><li>The role of a host is figuring out how to make everybody feel like they belong.</li><li>Another way of practicing generous authority is connecting your guests to both your purpose and to each other.</li></ul>

Practice Generous Authority

Hosting can be stressful, but it doesn't need to be. Conflict resolution facilitator Priya Parker discusses ways anyone can host a meaningful, memorable gathering.

The Secret To Hosting: Define Your Purpose. Everything Else Will Follow : Life Kit

Many of us have a private language that is only known in our home life. Perhaps you have a nickname from a parent or share an old joke or a shared reference to a song.
Also known as familects, these invented words, pet names, in-jokes, and personal memes emerge from spending time together in close quarters. Listening to recordings of other families can feel like being immersed in a different world.

Familects - family dialects

Love & Relationships

Familects are part of the backstage talk we use with people closest to us. They&#39;re a home slang and becomes integral over time in your inner circle.
Familects help us feel like family. The in-group language nurtures a feeling of intimacy and establishes identity. Sharing one&#39;s familect is also an act of welcoming outsiders into one&#39;s clan.

Familect creates closeness

When people share a space, their collective experience can sprout its own vocabulary, known as a familect.

Love & Family

Why We Speak More Weirdly at Home

Much like our gut microbiome - the diverse ecosystem of bacteria and other microbes in our gastrointestinal system that keeps us healthy when balance - so our social biome is the unique ecosystem of relationships and interactions that keep us emotionally, psychologically and physically healthy.
The term contains the pattern of social interactions throughout your life, the who, what you talk about, and how you communicate.

The social biome

We need a variety of social biome, for example, deep and meaningful conversations with a good friend, small talk with a colleague, and swapping memes with a group of old school friends.
The variety can lead to thriving, where you have all your social needs taken care of, but if the balance is off, you may feel lonely and socially malnourished.

We need quantity and variety of relationships

An ever-extending network of relationships called the family, the community, the nation, the globe can bring extraordinary benefits if we let it.
Research shows that the best single predictor for your psychological and physical wellbeing and health is the number and quality of friendships you have.

Benefits of an extending network

Research found that people with a higher sense of well-being had more frequent and longer interactions.
<ul>
<li>They had meaningful conversations two-and-a-half times more often than those with the least healthy social biomes.</li>
<li>They had two-thirds of interactions with close friends and family, where those with the least healthy social biomes less than half.</li>
<li>Most surprising, they felt good, connected, and happy to be alone.</li>
</ul>

What a healthy social biome looks like

<ul>
<li>Small talk: Easy, quick and friendly small talk is good for mood regulation, such as asking a colleague about their weekend or chatting about the traffic with a waiter.</li>
<li>Time alone: Healthy people don&#39;t function by having more frequent and longer conversations with their friends and family. Alone time is part of a healthy biome.</li>
</ul>

Small talk and time alone

From the moment you don&#39;t see a friend with the frequency you used to, the friendship&#39;s quality starts to decline.
<ul>
<li>Don&#39;t forget about Zoom. Continue to wave awkwardly on video calls when you can only communicate online.</li>
<li>Invite people to things. Invite people you don&#39;t know well but would like to know better to coffee, a party, or a gallery.</li>
<li>Climb the ladder of communication. The lowest rung is browsing social media, then direct messaging a group, then a direct message to people you want to keep in touch with, then phone calls and video chat, and the top rung is face-to-face conversation.</li>
</ul>

Tips for improving your social biome

All your daily interactions with others, big and small, make up your social biome, and the pandemic has severely damaged most of ours. Here’s how to reinvigorate it

The social biome: how to build nourishing friendships – and banish loneliness

Some of the reasons why we are not that good at friendships is the fact that we don't have a clear idea of what a really good friend might be like.
Maybe we should try to come up with a list of traits for an ideal friend, so as to focus our desires to acquire the sort of character we would want to find in others.

The image of a "good friend"

Good friends know how to show weakness. They let us know awkward and embarrassing things about themselves.
They show how much they trust us by confessing mistakes and hardships that have the potential to open them up to possible humiliation from the world beyond.

The gift of vulnerability

Good friends are genuinely interested in our hardships; they are not shocked by the odd and stupid things we've done.
They are not judgmental or critical of our weaknesses, because they are well aware of their own more troubled sides.

Embracing and understanding imperfection

Good friends are reassuring. They don't just flatter - they understand how easily we lose perspective, panic and underestimate our own abilities.
Sometimes, they get us to laugh at ourselves when we would be inclined to indulge in self-pity or rage.

The gift of reassurance

A good friend helps us build our self-understanding.
Good friends listen to us and help us piece together the best accounts of our fears and excitements. Because there are so many things we don't entirely comprehend about who we are.

Building self-understanding

We sometimes don't quite know what we think until a good friend asks us to expand on a thought, to explain why we adhere to it and to find possible objections for it.

Good friends help us think

They like us in ways we are not easily able to like ourselves.
Usually, we are more aware of our shortcomings than of our good parts. We need a friend because we are liable to be so very unfriendly towards ourselves.

Good friends help us to like ourselves

We all know how lovely friendship can be, but we seldom focus properly on what a good friend should actually be like. As a result, we miss out on opportunities to become precisely that sort of friend - and enrich the social lives of all those we meet. A short masterclass in the art of friendship. Sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: https://bit.ly/2LayJ9F For gifts and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/2OXCk1M Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://bit.ly/2RluXxC 2qkKvX6 FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/2AApZYo “Some of the reason why we aren’t, collectively, so good at friendship, is that we don’t have a clear idea of what a really good friend might be like. It may therefore be worth trying to draw up a list of an ideal candidate, so as to focus our desires and spur us on to acquire the sort of character we would want to find in others…” MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Visit us in person at our London HQ: https://bit.ly/2Rq9vYw Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLself You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: 2qkKvX6 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Peter Caires https://vimeo.com/peterlikesthis #TheSchoolOfLife #Self #Friendship

How to Be a Good Friend

One thing we see in every movie we have ever watched is that the main character, the hero or the heroine, doesn’t give up. No matter what kind of trouble or hardships arise, they never run away leaving people behind. They have the maturity, resilience and loyalty to not to lose faith in the people they love.
That being said, giving up on one or two people may be a necessity in the course of our lives. Instead of providing certain people with the benefit of the doubt every day, or forgiving them one more time, we might need to let go of someone as a price to pay for keeping faith in ourselves.

Heroes Don’t Give Up

Children cannot give up on their parents or guardians, even if there is cruelty, neglect, coldness, unreliability, meanness, or broken promises. The love certain caretakers provide is blended with dark and unhealthy elements, and yet children keep the faith that the person in charge of them will get better or are not as bad as they seem.
In face of continuous neglect or even torture, the child thinks the problem may be with them

The Faith, Trust And Loyalty Of Children

A child does not have options to run away or get a replacement guardian. Most of them are not even capable of raising their voice and speaking up for the horrible stuff that is happening to them.
As a child is conditioned by every parent, good or bad, to accept the childhood offered to him, the same traits are seen in some even during adults and find ourselves in open prisons, created by others. It is not cowardice or a weakness in our character to walk away from chronically toxic people.

An Open Prison

The Capacity to Give up on People - Articles from The School of Life, formally The Book of Life, a gathering of the best ideas around wisdom and emotional intelligence.

The Capacity to Give up on People

You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where your limits are.Identify what you can permit and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed.

Name your limits

Self Improvement

There are two key feelings that are red flags that you are letting go of your boundaries.<ul><li>Discomfort. Ask yourself what is causing the discomfort.</li><li>Resentment. Resentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.</li></ul>

Tune into your feelings

With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue.There are other times you might need to be frank, such as with those who have a different personality or cultural background.

Be direct

We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries.Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. Give yourself permission to set boundaries.

Give yourself permission

If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, ask yourself what's changed. Find out what you do have control over and what you are going to do about it.

Practice self-awareness

Consider how you were raised along with your role in your family. These can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries.Is there a healthy give and take with the people you surround yourself with?

Consider your past and present

Putting yourself first gives you the energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there for them.

Make self-care a priority

If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, seek some support: a support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends.

Seek support

It’s important to communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.Let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you. Do it respectfully and work together to address it.

Be assertive

Communicating your boundaries takes practice.Start with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increase to more challenging boundaries.

Start small

Below, she offers insight into building better boundaries and maintaining them. 1. Name your limits. You can't set good boundaries if you're unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits, Gionta said. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed.

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries

People have been telling stories about why things matter to them for centuries.&nbsp;These objects may be created from cotton, wood, or clay, but our feelings about them turn them into valuable assets. We cost them well above their price in the marketplace.

Turning objects into cherished items is nothing new

Communication

Many couples rely on rings to communicate their deepest feelings to each other and the world.An engagement ring is worth more than its sticker price: it tells family, friends and strangers that you are planning a wedding, you are cherished, you are an adult.

Communicating feelings through objects

<ul><li>In the 18th-century, dozens of writers took to a new form of fiction that focused on ordinary things – coins, banknotes, shoes, carriages, dolls.&nbsp;</li><li>These stories brought things to life, granting them their own voices.&nbsp;</li><li>Today literary scholars call them “object-narratives” or “it-narratives”, so named after their inanimate protagonists.&nbsp;</li></ul>

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career

Remington O.
@remington_do

Esther Perel's Blog - The Myth of Unconditional Love in Romantic Relationships

'Sorry, I don’t understand that' – the trouble with chatbots and how to use them better

More Is More: The End of Minimalism

The Secret To Hosting: Define Your Purpose. Everything Else Will Follow : Life Kit

Why We Speak More Weirdly at Home

Bite-sized knowledgeto upgradeyour career

Remington O.@remington_do

Esther Perel's Blog - The Myth of Unconditional Love in Romantic Relationships

'Sorry, I don’t understand that' – the trouble with chatbots and how to use them better

More Is More: The End of Minimalism

The Secret To Hosting: Define Your Purpose. Everything Else Will Follow : Life Kit

Why We Speak More Weirdly at Home

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career

Remington O.
@remington_do