Narcissists believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it.
The demand for unattainable perfection leads the narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied.
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The world of the narcissist is all about good/bad, superior/inferior, and right/wrong. There is a definite hierarchy, with the narcissist at the top—which is the only place he feels safe.
Narcissists can also get that superior feeling by being the worst; the wrongest; or the most injured.
Narcissists need constant attention—even following you around the house or constantly saying something to grab your attention.
Despite all their self-absorbed, grandiose bragging, narcissists are actually very insecure and fearful of not measuring up. They constantly try to elicit praise and approval from others to shore up their fragile egos, but no matter how much they've received, they always want more.
Narcissists want to do as much as possible to control life and mold it to their liking. They demand that you say and do exactly what they have in mind so they can reach their desired conclusion.
You are a character in their internal play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings.
Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be responsible for negative results. When things don’t go according to their plan or they feel criticized they place all the blame and responsibility on you.
You are the safest person to blame because you are least likely to leave or reject them.
Narcissists believe that everything belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and everyone wants the same things they do. They are shocked and highly insulted to be told no.
If a narcissist wants something from you, he’ll go to great lengths to figure out how to get it through persistence, cajoling, demanding, rejecting, or pouting.
Narcissists are highly attuned to perceived threats, anger, and rejection from others. At the same time, they are nearly blind to the other feelings of the people around them.
Their lack of ability to correctly read body language is one reason narcissists are deficiently empathetic to your feelings. This lack of empathy makes true relationships and emotional connection with narcissists difficult or impossible.
Explanations or reason don’t make sense to the narcissist, who only seems able to be aware of his own thoughts and feelings. Although narcissists may say they understand, they honestly don’t.
Therefore, narcissists make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something regardless of the reason. They expect you to go along with their “solutions,” and they react with irritation and resentment if you don’t.
The narcissist’s personality is split into good and bad parts, and they also split everything in their relationships into good and bad.
Any negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on you or others, whereas they take credit for everything that is positive and good.
Narcissists fear any true intimacy or vulnerability because they’re afraid you’ll see their imperfections and judge or reject them. No amount of reassurance seems to make a difference.
Most narcissists project their anxiety onto their closest loved ones, accusing them of being negative, unsupportive, mentally ill, not putting them first, not responding to their needs, or being selfish.
All this is designed to transfer anxiety to the loved one in an attempt to not feel it themselves.
Narcissists harbor a lot of shame. Shame is the belief that there is something deeply and permanently wrong or bad about who you are.
Buried in a deeply repressed part of the narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that he is constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including himself. This makes it impossible for them to be completely real and transparent.
Because of their inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy, and the constant need for self-protection, narcissists can’t truly love or connect emotionally with other people.
They’re essentially emotionally blind and alone. This makes them emotionally needy.
Thoughtful, cooperative behaviors require a real understanding of each other’s feelings.
Don’t expect the narcissist to understand your feelings, give in, or give up anything he wants for your benefit; it’s useless.
Pay attention to how your date treats service people, such as a waitress or waiter, and other support staff. If he or she orders them around like he’s the king, or picks on minor service flaws, be aware.
Never extend credit to, or accept promises from, a narcissist. As soon as they get what they want, they will be on to the next thing, forgetting whatever they said they would do for you.
Make sure you get what they dangle in front of you before you give them what they want. Narcissists will rarely be offended by people looking out for themselves.
Performance humility is admitting that you fall short and make mistakes.
Those who seek negative feedback get better performance reviews. It means that they want to learn, and they put themselves in a stronger position to learn.