When we are caught in our own self-centred drama, everyone else becomes “other” to us, different and unreal. The world becomes a backdrop to our own special experience and everyone in it serves as a supporting cast, some as adversaries, some as allies, and most as simply irrelevant. Because involvement with our personal desires and concerns prevents us from paying close attention to anyone else, those around us—even family and friends—can become unreal, two-dimensional cardboard figures, not humans with wants and fears and throbbing hearts.

Becoming Paranoid

Fear is the anticipation of future pain.

As we become mature spiritually, our yearning to see the truth and live with an open heart becomes more compelling than our reflex to avoid pain and chase after pleasure. We may feel mistreated and angry at our partner but we are willing to recognize our part, see their pain, forgive and keep loving. When we become lonely or sad, we are less inclined to dull the painful feelings with food, drugs or staying busy. We become increasingly aligned with our evolutionary destiny, which is to awaken into our natural wisdom and compassion

Becoming Spiritually Mature

Most of us spend our time frantically moving from task to task. In the chaos of everyday life, we often forget to pause and take a minute to remember where we are, what we are doing, and why we think it matters. Learning to incorporate pauses throughout our days is a simple and effective way to begin becoming more conscious observers of and participants in our experience.

The Chaos Of Everyday Life

Suffering or discontent is universal, and fully recognizing its existence is the first step on the path of awakening. During his all-night vigil, the Buddha looked deeply into his own suffering. His amazing insight was that all suffering or dissatisfaction arises from a mistaken understanding that we are a separate and distinct self. This perception of “selfness” imprisons us in endless rounds of craving and aversion. When our sense of being is confined in this way, we have forgotten the loving awareness that is our essence and that connects us with all of life.

Lord Buddha's Noble Truth

In every moment, joy and freedom are possible. But many of us get caught up in habitual thinking patterns that prevent us from feeling the many joys of life. Instead of being grateful for a pay raise, we complain and think we deserve more. Instead of accepting ourselves as imperfect beings doing our best, we criticize ourselves for making small mistakes. Until we learn to accept ourselves and our experience, we stay in the trance of unworthiness.

Trapped In Our Small Thinking

Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance.

Just as a bright sun causes ice cubes to melt, in the moments when we feel connected and kind, we create a warm environment that encourages others around us to relax and open up. Each time we widen the circle of caring—with a smile, a hug, a listening presence, a prayer—the ripples flow out endlessly.The little actions matter. A smile, listening intently, saying a few kind words – these small actions create an openness that encourages others to participate in the warmness of existence.

Feeling Connected and Kind

Hurting other people feels terrible. But it happens, and instead of wallowing in your sorrow, try this simple, but effective approach to moving forward: take responsibility for the pain you’ve caused, listen intently to understand the other persons suffering, offer a genuine apology, and revitalize your commitment to acting with compassion.

What to Do When You’ve Hurt Someone

Spiritual maturity means breaking free from our natural gravitation toward pleasure and away from pain. Instead of succumbing to these natural desires, we continue on the path to truth and treat all situations with an open heart. It’s a subtle, but meaningful difference.

The Ultimate Growth

Radical acceptance has two pillars: learning to observe our experience clearly and how to be compassionate towards that experience.Learning to pause is the first step in the practice of Radical Acceptance. A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. Unlike the frantic pilots, we stop asking, “What do I do next?” The pause can occur in the midst of almost any activity and can last for an instant, for hours or for seasons of our life.

The Two Pillars: Learning To Pause

The process of experiencing and accepting the changing stream of sensations is central to the alchemy of transformation. Emotions, a combination of physical sensations and the stories we tell ourselves, continue to cause suffering until we experience them where they live in our bodies. If we bring steady attention to the immediate physical experience of an emotion, past sensations and stories linked to it that have been locked in our body and mind are “de-repressed.” Layers of historic hurt, fear or anger may begin to play themselves out in the light of awareness

Peeling The Layers

Everyone – in one way, shape, or form – is suffering. Suffering is inherent to the human condition. The Buddha recognized that this suffering stems from being trapped in our sense of self and forgetting that we are connected to all that exists in this world.A common misconception about Buddhism is that the goal is to eliminate the craving that causes suffering, but the reality is that desires will always exist. They cannot be eliminated. However, through accepting the fleeting nature of all things and experiences, we can better relate to our desires, and in doing so, we will suffer less.

Desires Do Not Go Away

Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns. Entangled in the trance of unworthiness, we grow accustomed to caging ourselves in with self-judgment and anxiety, with restlessness and dissatisfaction.  Each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small. Even if we were to win millions of dollars in the lottery or marry the perfect person, as long as we feel not good enough, we won’t be able to enjoy the possibilities before us.

The Trance of Unworthiness

Fear of death is a powerful motivator. Death is the ultimate end, the fate we all face. While many of us prefer to ignore the reality that one day we will die, it’s important to understand how it influences our daily actions and decision making.If we don’t fully accept ourselves or our experiences, we may feel shame. Shame about how things should be.  It creates a fear that fuels more shame, and a vicious feedback cycle begins.The other side of resisting fear is freedom. When we stop tensing against life, we open to an awareness that is immeasurably large and suffused with love.

Fear, Death, Shame and Freedom

When we get lost in the narrative of our life, we begin to fictionalize the people around us. The hyper-attention on our existence becomes the lens through which we view every person or interaction. Instead of realizing that even those people we don’t like spending time with are humans with fears and desires like ours, we write them off as detractors to our story.

The World Becomes A Fiction For The Egocentric

While there are things that are simply outside of your control, there are lots of actionable steps you can take to seize control and feel better. 

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How to Feel Better About Yourself

A simple, modern take on the spirituality of the east.

Combining the principles of psychotherapy with the teachings of Buddhism, this illuminating guide explains how to eliminate the personal conflicts and feelings of not being good enough that can cause such problems as addiction, overwork, and perfectionism, and how to develop balance, compassion, acceptance, self-healing, and a more fulfilling life. Reprint. 20,000 first printing.

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For many of us, feelings of deficiency are right around the corner. It doesn’t take much--just hearing of someone else’s accomplishments, being criticized, getting into an argument, making a mistake at work--to make us feel that we are not okay. Beginning to understand how our lives have become ensnared in this trance of unworthiness is our first step toward reconnecting with who we really are and what it means to live fully. —from Radical Acceptance “Believing that something is wrong with us is a deep and tenacious suffering,” says Tara Brach at the start of this illuminating book. This suffering emerges in crippling self-judgments and conflicts in our relationships, in addictions and perfectionism, in loneliness and overwork—all the forces that keep our lives constricted and unfulfilled. Radical Acceptance offers a path to freedom, including the day-to-day practical guidance developed over Dr. Brach’s twenty years of work with therapy clients and Buddhist students. Writing with great warmth and clarity, Tara Brach brings her teachings alive through personal stories and case histories, fresh interpretations of Buddhist tales, and guided meditations. Step by step, she leads us to trust our innate goodness, showing how we can develop the balance of clear-sightedness and compassion that is the essence of Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance does not mean self-indulgence or passivity. Instead it empowers genuine change: healing fear and shame and helping to build loving, authentic relationships. When we stop being at war with ourselves, we are free to live fully every precious moment of our lives.

TARA BRACH

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