Reflective Listening

People become more committed to what they hear themselves say. You don’t want to deny “sustain talk”. You want to evoke and explore their “change talk”.  

Change talk takes the form of DARN: Desire, Ability, Reasons, Need. You want to elicit these types of statements becaus...

Trying to help someone change can be sanity-straining. Even when people face serious health scares they often don’t do enough to alter their habits, like they’re stuck on some monorail track of doom.

People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves dis...

With this final step, you’re drawing together what they’ve said and presenting it to them.

It’s a more muscular version of reflection. You’re giving them an overview of their position but in a more structured fashion vs the ambivalent mess in their head. It shows you’re paying attention an...

We can’t push too hard. Remember, threatening autonomy creates resistance. We need to evoke these statements from them.

Use DARN questions to evoke some DARN change talk so they’ll change their darn behavior!

• “How do you want your life to be different a year from now?” provokes D...

Research show one of the primary motivators for change is someone noticing the discrepancy between their goals and their behavior. It’s uncomfortable. And to relieve that discomfort, our behaviors usually change before our values do.

You usually don’t need to point out discrepancy. They’ll ...

A good way is merely asking them what they know about the subject at hand: “Tell me what you already know about alcohol and how it affects people.”

No demonizing – they’ll probably do that for you. You’re not lecturing or telling them to change. They’ll likely start the DARN proce...

The final step is to help them troubleshoot. You want to present potential problems so that they can offer fixes. “If X happens, what do you think you’ll do?”

The goal isn’t to stump them. It’s to strengthen the plan and to get them thinking resourcefully so they feel ready when s...

People are simultaneously smarter and dumber than you think. They often know what they’re doing is bad. They’re not usually lacking information. The issue is motivation. Overcoming ambivalence. Once people get motivated, they often make the change themselves with little help.

So ho...

So your methods have worked and they’re imagining positive outcomes. Now’s the time to hit them with the key question to build a plan:

“So what’s next?”

You’re not pressuring them; you’re curious. Give them a big pause here to let it sink in. If everything has gone well, they should r...

The best way to get people’s confidence up is to ask them about previous challenges they successfully overcame.

“What changes have you made in your life that were difficult for you? Or what things have you managed to do that you weren’t really sure at first you would be able to do?”

We all want help but we want to retain our autonomy even more. So just telling people what to do rarely works. We often think expressing our lovely opinions is all it takes, but that just creates resistance. Telling people what to do is the opposite of empathy.

If you’re arguing fo...

Don’t tell them to change. Evoke the reasons for change that are already in their head and support those. This is what motivates people to make a shift without resistance.

The first step is asking people about their values. When you understand what people v...

Open questions are questions that can’t be answered with a single word. They often start with “what”, “how” or “why.” This gets people talking, provides you with information and allows them to feel understood.

Most importantly for MI(motivational interviewing), it lets them lead v...

Just listening to people isn’t going to get them to change. Heck, it’s equally likely to get them to talk themselves into not changing. What you reflect is a strategic choice. You’re not shining the spotlight on everything they say; you get to pick.

By what we choose to reflect, w...

To recognize and highlight the positive about the other person, their good traits and intentions. By affirming, you’re building their confidence.

Keep giving positive feedback while listening, and build up their latent strength, which is now surfacing.