New plan: Think about what makes you specialLots of us have a friend who posts perfect craft projects (“Nailed it!”) or know a fellow parent who never misses a kid’s game, but dwelling on where you fall short isn’t helpful. “By learning to focus on ourselves instead of others, we can decrease our stress and anxiety, increase our happiness and self-esteem, and live a more purposeful and authentic life,” says Renee Exelbert, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and an adjunct professor at New York University.

1. Comparing yourself with people around you

OverthinkingNew plan: Focus on what you can controlThousands of years ago, the practice of turning stuff over in our minds kept us from repeating dangerous mistakes, says psychiatrist Mimi Winsberg, M.D. These days, overthinking can lead us to agonize over mundane things like the wording of an email or events beyond our control. To prevent spiraling, decide whether you’re obsessing about something you can actually change. If so, allot a certain amount of time to taking action, then distract yourself with an activity like a movie or exercise.

6. Overthinking

New plan: Loosen your grip and let it goEven if you know that your coworker purposely leaves you off happy hour invites or that a neighbor spoke ill of you, revisiting these complaints hurts only you. “Holding on to anger and repressing angry feelings may increase blood pressure and the risk of coronary heart disease,” Exelbert says. “Forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships and improved mental health.” Consider where the other person was coming from (maybe your coworker feels insecure about their work performance or your neighbor has been stressed by caregiving duties).

7. Holding on to a grievance

Shouldering responsibility for everythingNew plan: Delegate—even if it doesn’t seem worth itWhether you’re handling a big project at work or planning a family reunion, it’s easy to fall into the trap of doing most of the work to be sure the end result is perfect. “We go through life as if we’re responsible for every outcome we experience,” says Amy Johnson, Ph.D., author of The Little Book of Big Change. “We fail to recognize just how much happens effortlessly.” Letting other people pick up the slack will lower your stress, and you may be pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

2. Shouldering responsibility for everything

New plan: Notice who comes throughIt’s hard to forget friends who didn’t visit when you were laid up or failed to attend an event you hosted. “This ‘injustice collecting’ causes us to see the glass as half empty versus half full,” Exelbert says. “Embrace gratitude for those who do show up. It increases our happiness, improves social relationships and self-esteem, and increases our longevity.” Try starting a gratitude journal: Every day, write a few sentences about something you’re thankful for.

3. Tracking who disappoints you

New plan: Take intentional breaksLeave your phone out of the picture when you’re with friends and family, even if you’re just digging into takeout food on the couch. “We simply can’t focus after so much online time; this practice shortens our attention span,” says Lori Whatley, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and the author of Connected & Engaged. Plus, she adds, “too much social media use has been connected to depression and anxiety.” One thing that will help: practicing mindfulness. If you’re new to the idea, try a meditation guide or an app like Headspace. Stay in the present moment

4. Constantly checking your phone

Shopping for happinessNew plan: Revel in nonmaterial joys and experiences“So much of our energy is spent chasing [physical] things we think will make us happy,” says Johnson. “The next vacation, losing a few pounds—they never lead to lasting happiness.” She says humans evolved to “recalibrate” quickly after events, so the happiness boost triggered by things outside of ourselves fades fast. Teaching a niece how to read, having adventures with friends—intangibles like these give us real warm fuzzies.