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We Don't Understand Others

Like us, other people are stuck in the same low-level self-realization: we try to gauge the other person by their looks or family or social status, which is a futile exercise in most cases.

@conk20

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We don't realize that we are a bundle of contradictions and are trying to look for someone who can understand us, while we haven't been able to understand ourselves yet.

We think we are a great person to be with, which may not be true.

We aren't accustomed to being happy or have a misguided idea of what happiness is.

We find the ones who would be right for us, to be wrong for us, because of our lack of experience in what good is, and the fact that we don't associate love with being happy and fulfilled.

The situation of being single turns into a 'negative' motivation for us, and in our race to be engaged in a relationship again, we cling to the wrong person.

Our reason to find a mate: avoiding loneliness, is inherently flawed and cannot lead to a good outcome.

If we 'marry' the two kinds of decision making, the process of rational analysis, where we objectively understand the other person, with the feeling of love, then we can ask ourselves the right questions, and go towards something that can last.

Our delusion of happiness (as in 'happily ever after') is a big culprit in our wrong decisions and misery.

Marriage doesn't mean that the romance, the happiness or the beautiful time will last past a few months or years. Happiness is fleeting, and understanding its impermanence can work wonders on our expectations.

We mistakenly think marriage is just an event.

We have to understand that marriage is a process, filled with love, ups and downs, effort and struggle. It is not that we get married, throw a few parties and start to reap the 'rewards' of marriage, going about on our other interests.

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RELATED IDEAS

"Are you the right person for me?" is the wrong question to ask, because nothing outside of ourselves can fix us or bring us happiness.
A more constructive question to ask would be "Can I accommodate your imperfections with humor and grace?"

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IDEAS

Even the best communication skills won’t help a couple that sees the world completely different.

The more aligned you are on certain crucial dimensions—such as day-to-day compatibility, or whether you are on the same wavelength about larger issues—the better off you’ll be as a couple.

  • In 1997, the median age for a first marriage was 27.4 for women and 29.5 for men.
  • The college-educated are more likely to marry eventually. Nine out of ten wait until after they marry to have children.
  • A large portion of those without college educations have a child before they marry.
  • In Norway, the median age at first marriage is 39 for men and 38 for women, and weddings often take place long after a couple starts to have children.