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#3

#3

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

-Steven Wright

10

142 reads

#28

#28

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

-Steven Wright

10

52 reads

#26

#26

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

-Steven Wright

10

52 reads

#13

#13

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

-Steven Wright

12

86 reads

#12

#12

“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”

-Steven Wright

9

94 reads

#9

#9

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

-Steven Wright

9

96 reads

#10

#10

“All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.”

-Steven Wright

9

108 reads

#20

#20

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

-Steven Wright

9

54 reads

#19

#19

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

-Steven Wright

9

47 reads

#1

#1

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

-Steven Wright

9

152 reads

#6

#6

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

-Steven Wright

9

123 reads

#29

#29

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”

-Steven Wright

9

46 reads

#17

#17

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

-Steven Wright

10

71 reads

#15

#15

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

-Steven Wright

10

61 reads

#16

#16

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”

-Steven Wright

9

66 reads

#7

#7

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

9

102 reads

#5

#5

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

-Steven Wright

9

125 reads

#23

#23

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

-Steven Wright

9

52 reads

30 Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings

30 Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

11

123 reads

#2

#2

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

-Steven Wright

9

145 reads

#4

#4

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

-Steven Wright

9

131 reads

#8

#8

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

-Steven Wright

9

95 reads

#11

#11

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

-Steven Wright

9

101 reads

#14

#14

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

-Steven Wright

9

62 reads

#18

#18

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

-Steven Wright

9

52 reads

#21

#21

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

-Steven Wright

9

52 reads

#22

#22

“Always try to be modest and be proud of it!”

-Steven Wright

10

53 reads

#24

#24

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

-Steven Wrigh

10

51 reads

#25

#25

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

-Steven Wright

9

48 reads

#27

#27

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

-Steven Wright

9

44 reads

#30

#30

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

-Steven Wright

9

54 reads

CURATED BY

tomjoad

Introverted Extravert

30 Steven Wright Jokes and Sayings

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