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8 Ways to Flip Your Fear of Conflict
Aporia
Aporia is an ancient Greek concept of realizing that our interpretations and beliefs don't lead us to the truth.
Winning an argument isn't the goal, and true wisdom is to have big, deep conversations that help us grow and connect.
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Disagreement Is The New Reality
The ability to have productive disagreements is a superpower.
But disagreement or an argument usually has toxicity associated with it, with judgment, self-protection and a sense of conflict.
Aligning the Argument
In a disagreement, often certain crucial information isn't available or isn't clearly understood by either person. We need to ask ourselves if:
- The argument is about something that can be verified.
- If it matters to you (meaningful).
- If it is useful.
Anxiety Spikes
Anxiety spikes happen when something triggers us during an argument, usually when what that we care about feels threatened.
We need to be aware of these spikes to guide us into the emotional aspect of the argument, rather than only focusing on information.
Speak From Your Own Experience
A common mistake during arguments is when we speak on behalf of other people and groups.
Arguments then become a free-for-all, as anyone can jump in and argue back. Also, we tend to exaggerate, oversimplify and stereotype when we speak outside of our own experience, making our position in the disagreement vulnerable.
Don't Neglect The Emotional Part
Neglecting the emotional part of the argument and focusing solely on facts and information is a common blunder.
A better way is to ask open-ended questions and try to find the root cause of the argument. For example, one could ask: “This clearly matters to you, can you help me understand why?”
A Wider Field Of View
Keeping an open mind gives you a wider field of view.
Turn off the clinical brain that just wants knowable answers quickly, and see the world through the other's perspective, noticing things you may have blocked or overlooked.
Discard Your Biases
Biases are your ready-made encyclopedia of all the answers you need to prove yourself right, which can be a disaster in any argument.
Hold off your biases and try to find growth and new perspectives that come out of a productive disagreement. Take the conversation as a learning opportunity.
The Way and the Place
Disagreements cannot be resolved over Slack or Email. Try to do them in person, or at least over the phone.
Make sure your environment is neutral, and if anything can hamper the discussion, change the venue.
SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:
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The Realms Of An Argument
There are three different realms of an argument:
- Head-based arguments are about the truth, based on facts and verifiable information.
- Heart-based arguments are about...
Cognitive Dissonance
Pay close attention to what ‘spikes’ up your emotions, those triggers that are felt when someone challenges you, or provides you with information that is new to you or does not align with your reality.
This cognitive dissonance (the state of holding two or more contradictory beliefs) may be your chance to update your expectations, instead of making the world fit in them.
Ask Questions And Listen
When you're having an argument, there are two different views involved, and maybe two different realities. Instead of making it a black and white, right or wrong argument, try to ask genuine questions to help you understand what the other person is thinking.
Calm down, create mental space, and have a pleasant and relaxing disagreement, after you take the time to listen to the other person's point of view, instead of reacting impulsively or angrily.
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Seek to understand
People tend to disagree when they don't understand each other. That does not mean you have to agree, just that you're open to hearing them out.
When you come to an understanding t...
Look beyond your own triggers
Whatever may have happened in your past, you have to find a way to get past your triggers and see that you're in a new situation with a person who doesn't mean you harm. What's triggered is usually fear and awareness of one's limitations.
Look for similarities, not differences
Look for common ground. When you concentrate on differences the space grows wider, but when you seek out what you have in common it helps bridge the gap.
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Paul Graham's disagreement hierarchy
- DH0. Name-calling: the lowest level of argument.
- DH1. Ad hominem: attackung the person rather than the point they are making.
- DH2...