The fantasy genre offers escapism from our lives into a different world where you can forget about the real problems surrounding your everyday life.
Children&#39;s fantasy are appealing to filmmakers. The authors explore a depth in their stories and characters that give screenwriters rich material to further expand the author&#39;s vision—for example, the successful The Hobbit trilogy and Rowling&#39;s Harry Potter.

Fantasy remains popular

Imagination is an essential feature in children's fantasy books. Cinematographers and animators have an abundance of artistic ideas to work from. For example, Studio Ghibli built its filmmaking legacy on children's books, such as Howl's Moving Castle and Kiki's Delivery Service, and turned the stories into visual masterpieces.

The visual element of children's fantasy books

Fantasy is a genre that has dominated children’s literature over the years, with JRR Tolkien, JK Rowling and Suzanne Collins spearheading the way in the crossover realm of book to film adaptation. So why is cinema recreating their fantastical lands? And what does the future hold?

Stashed ideas

Fantasy is a genre that has dominated children’s literature over the years, with JRR Tolkien, JK Rowling and Suzanne Collins spearheading the way in the crossover realm of book to film adaptation. So why is cinema recreating their fantastical lands? And what does the future hold?

Last modified on Mon 19 Mar 2018 10.53 EDT

The reason why fantasy remains popular across pop culture is pretty obvious. The genre offers escapism from school or work into a totally different world. Your imagination can be unleashed and your worries surrounding your everyday life can be forgotten. No matter what age you are, fantasy is something that can be discovered and rediscovered over generations. As the readers and the genre grow, new niches are being created; from hobbits and elves, witches and wizards.

There are a number of reasons why children’s fantasy is so appealing to filmmakers. The depth that children’s authors explore within their stories and characters gives any screenwriter and director a rich plethora of material to elaborate on. The recent success of Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit trilogy is just one example. Adapted from Tolkien’s standalone novel, Jackson’s three part series demonstrates how much a filmmaker can extract from a single book, turning a three hundred page book into nearly eight hours of screen time.

Of course Rowling’s wizarding world of Harry Potter acts as a model example of how filmmakers continue to expand an author’s vision. With the upcoming <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://bookshop.theguardian.com/fantastic-beasts-and-where-to-find-them.html">Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them </a>, directed by David Yates, being released in November 2016, it shows there are endless stories yet to be uncovered from Rowling’s world.

Another reason why children’s fantasy remains popular is related to a visual element. Imagination is the most important feature in children’s fantasy books, meaning there is an abundance of aesthetic springboards for cinematographers, animators and visual departments to work from.

Studio Ghibli have built their acclaimed filmmaking legacy on children’s books. From the wonderfully British Diana Wynne Jones’ novel <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://bookshop.theguardian.com/howl-s-moving-castle.html">Howl’s Moving Castle </a>, to Japanese author Eiko Kadono’s picture-book Kiki’s Delivery Service, Ghibli have adapted a variety of children’s stories into academy award winning visual masterpieces.

Looking into 2016, more children’s fantasy stories are set to flourish in cinema. Steven Spielberg is tackling Roald Dahl’s beloved story <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://bookshop.theguardian.com/bfg-9.html">The BFG </a>. First published in 1982 and illustrated by Quentin Blake, The BFG has already had an animated adaptation released in 1989. However, Spielberg’s version is set to be a CGI adventure, totally transforming Blake’s previous illustrations.

Even more recent children’s fantasy books from the decade are being created into films. With Patrick Ness’ <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://bookshop.theguardian.com/monster-calls.html">A Monster Calls </a>, starring Felicity Jones and Liam Neeson, looking to be released this year. It seems these adaptations aren’t going to slow down anytime soon. And for this we rejoice (but do read the book first).

Are there any children’s fantasy books you want to see as a film? Share your ideas with us on Twitter @GdnChildrensBks or by email childrens.books@theguardian.com and we’ll add them here.

The Guardian children’s books site is celebrating fantasy books all this weekend so keep a look out, and join us for a live Twitter chat on Sunday 28 Feb 5-6pm using <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23gdnteenfantasy">#gdnteenfantasy </a>when we’ll be discussing all things fantasy with Samantha Shannon <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/say_shannon/">@say_shannon </a>, Alwyn Hamilton <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/AlwynFJH/">@AlwynFJH </a>, Zoe Marriott <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/ZMarriott/">@ZMarriott </a>, Lucy Saxon <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/Lucy_Saxon/">@Lucy_Saxon </a>, Sally Green <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/Sa11eGreen/">@Sa11eGreen </a>, Taran Matharu<a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/TaranMatharu1/">@TaranMatharu1 </a>and Victoria Aveyard <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://twitter.com/VictoriaAveyard">@VictoriaAveyard </a>.

Alistair, via email

How about The Battle for Castle Cockatrice (a.k.a. The Talking Parcel) by Gerald Durrell? It was made into a fabulous opera for children in Prague a few years ago.

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Why are so many children's fantasy books adapted as films?

We are born to seek other people&#39;s faces. Babies less than 10 minutes old prefer a picture of a human face to other images. People can&#39;t resist seeing faces on tree trunks, cloud formations, pieces of toast.
What makes faces so captivating is that they remind us that we share the world with people who are like us but are also unique.

Our brains are eager to spot human faces

Communication

We recognise people&#39;s faces instantly and without effort. We can recognise someone we know from a childhood photo. Although no one knows how this skill works, it seems to involve making a rough calculation about how the face fits together as a whole rather than comparing individual elements.
The problem with our ability to read faces is that we over-read them. As a result, our brains make quick calculations while overlooking our unconscious biases.

Faces: the building block of social life

Some people suffer from prosopagnosia - or face blindness - which affects about 2% of the population.
Prosopagnosiacs can&#39;t identify people from their faces. They will carefully scan faces for details like moles, skew teeth and monobrows. When they view a face from an odd angle, they might as well look at a new face. The rest of us process faces so quickly that we have stopped noticing them.

Taking faces for granted

Now that the world is reopening once more and filling with real faces, not hidden behind masks or on screens, we hold their gaze for slightly longer, perhaps because eye contact feels like a new privilege. We are aware of how quickly the world can change.
When people are conversing online, they have a phrase: &quot;I see you.&quot; At its essence, it means &quot;I notice your existence.&quot; Now that we can see each other again, we realise how we have missed being &quot;seen.&quot;

"I see you"

We’ve spent a year obscured by masks and pixellated by Zoom. Are you ready to go back to reading real-life facial expressions in all their fascinating glory?

We’ve spent a year obscured by masks and pixellated by Zoom. Are you ready to go back to reading real-life facial expressions in all their fascinating glory?

T his has been the year of a thousand faces. Every face is an inch or two high on my laptop screen, and trapped inside a rectangle. The rectangles form a wall of faces that builds up brick by brick. As each new face arrives, the wall shifts and rearranges itself. Outside, in the real world, other people’s faces have been frustratingly elusive, half-hidden by masks. Or they have averted their gaze, focused on completing their essential journeys and not wishing to exchange their spittle with mine. But here the faces keep coming, popping up magically from wherever they are in the world, happy to be seen.

During lulls in meetings, my eyes scan the virtual room. You can look long and hard at people’s faces online in a way that would be rude in real life. I have never before paid this much attention to how a hairline runs along the top of a forehead, or an eye sits in its socket, or a jawline segues into a neck. I hadn’t noticed how vulnerable faces are – so soft, fleshy and bruisable – and how mercurially they move between moods. The faces look by turns dazed, dogged, sweetly attentive, full of faraway thoughts that no one could guess at, and as if they are trying hard to be bright-eyed and smiley but might suddenly dissolve into tears. It’s been that kind of year.

Encountering faces like this feels oddly intimate, but also inadequate. All the intricate topography and chiaroscuro of their features is gone. Some faces are right in front of a window, which bathes them in impenetrable shadow. Others are too near the screen and blanched by its blue-light glow. Others move jumpily, out of sync with their speech, or freeze mid-flow, with eyes closed and mouth open, as if in ecstatic prayer.

Strangest of all, none of these faces ever returns my gaze. We can’t maintain eye contact because we are looking at our screens, not our webcams. The whites of human eyes are bigger than those of other animals, which allows us to pick up on where they are looking, a vital social cue. Even when those eyes are no bigger than full stops on your screen, you can still tell when they are not looking at you.

We are born hungry for other people’s faces. Babies less than 10 minutes old have been shown to prefer a picture of a human face to other images. Our brains are so eager to spot faces that this accounts for the most common form of pareidolia, the human tendency to make meaningful shapes out of random patterns. People can’t resist seeing faces in cloud formations, knobbly tree trunks, house frontages, pieces of toast… All it takes is the barest suggestion of two eyes and a mouth. The brain does the rest.

What makes faces so compelling is that each one is both reassuringly familiar and utterly distinctive. The design template hasn’t changed for millennia. The faces of bodies found in bogs, centuries old but preserved by the peat, have chin stubble, furrowed brows, laughter lines and bags under their eyes. Those faces are just like ours, while remaining definitively their own. Every face is made of the standard-issue raw materials of skin, bone, muscle, cartilage and fatty tissue. It has the same roughly oval shape and the same classic arrangement: eyes and ears spaced to allow us to see and hear in stereo; nose above the mouth to reduce the chances of choking; jaw and mouth built for eating, speaking and grinning. And still every face manages to be as original as a fingerprint.

The philosopher Emmanuel Levinas believed that looking at other people’s faces was how we learned to be human. Every face we meet, he thought, reminds us that we share the world with people who are fundamentally like us but who are also, like us, irreducibly unique. Levinas was inspired by the Talmud, the book of Jewish laws and teachings, which says that God “coins all people from Adam’s die and not one looks like another”.

Recognising other people’s faces is a basic building block of social life. Most of us do it instantly and effortlessly. We can identify someone we know from a childhood photo of them, and someone we haven’t seen for years even though their face is now a saggy, wrinkled version of the one we knew. No one knows exactly how this virtuoso human skill works, but it seems to involve making a rough calculation about how the face knits together as a whole, rather than ticking off all the individual elements. That is why composite faces of criminal suspects are such bad likenesses. An eyewitness tries to recreate a face by choosing from a collection of parts – but we read faces more intuitively and impressionistically than this.

The problem with being so good at reading faces is that we over-read them. The neurons in the temporal and frontal lobes of our brains just start firing and making on-the-spot calculations, behind which sit unconscious biases. Multiple studies have pointed to the “attractiveness halo effect” – people with good-looking faces are seen as more competent, cleverer and nicer than the norm. As the internet and the smartphone have made it easy to share images of our faces, these snap judgments have become part of daily life. Social media companies know that other people’s faces are human catnip and they use them to generate clicks. It’s called Facebook for a reason. Showing your face is part of the business model.

Out of a mix of shyness and cussedness, I mostly refuse to join in. I have never taken a selfie and hate having my picture taken if it will be posted online. I once persuaded a reluctant publisher that my author photo should be a picture of my hand holding a pen. My Twitter avatar is an image of the animated children’s television character Mr Benn. In a marketised culture that values the free flow of harvestable data, my reluctance to show my face marks me out as eccentric, even suspect. “Please tell us why you don’t want to supply a profile picture,” one social media platform nags me, sounding not so much angry as disappointed. “No professional headshot needed!” says another, breezily. “Just something that represents you.”

I am old enough to remember when you had to meet someone to find out what they looked like. I feel like an alien, dropped into this new world of near-obligatory visibility. I still find it puzzling that people will happily upload photos of themselves to dating apps that allow anyone to say “like” or “nope” to their pictures, swiping away rejected matches as if they were brushing away a speck of dust.

In Don DeLillo’s novel Mao II , a Salinger-like author emerges from three decades of seclusion by agreeing to have his picture taken. The photographer warns him that people will ‘‘absolutely question your right to look different from your picture’’. I have found this to be true. And I would rather not be reduced to some frozen, two-dimensional simulacrum of my face that countless strangers can see. I prefer it when my actual face interacts with other people’s actual faces. A face is protean. Eyes and lips are part-liquid and glisten with life. Skin changes colour and tone. A baffling variety of muscles works the face’s many movable parts. Our eyebrows convey a whole world of meaning. We make and remake our faces every moment of our lives.

The neurologist and writer Oliver Sacks was painfully aware of this fluid, ungraspable quality of faces. He suffered from <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.theguardian.com/society/shortcuts/2018/jan/29/one-in-50-of-us-is-face-blind-and-many-dont-even-realise" title="">prosopagnosia </a>, or face blindness, which affects about 2% of the population. Prosopagnosiacs can’t identify people from their faces. Once, Sacks was grooming his beard while looking at what he thought was his reflection in a window. Slowly it dawned on him that there was another bearded man on the other side of the glass, wondering why this strange person was staring at him and preening himself. Sacks’s face blindness aggravated his already acute shyness. He avoided most social gatherings, knowing they would involve the embarrassment of failing to recognise people he knew well, or greeting strangers as old friends. <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/aug/30/oliver-sacks" title="">Sacks died </a>in 2015. He might have found Zoom, which always attaches a name to a face, a godsend.

“Face blindness” is a misnomer, really. Prosopagnosiacs are in fact fierce noticers of faces, scanning them carefully for idiosyncratic, telltale details like moles, wonky teeth and monobrows. They just can’t skip over the details to make that simple click of recognition. They look afresh at every new iteration of a face. When that face is lit from an odd angle, or its owner is feeling tired and drained, they might as well be looking at a completely new face – which in a sense they are. The rest of us process faces so quickly that we have stopped looking at them.

After this year, though, I don’t think I will ever take faces for granted again. Now the world is reopening and once more filling up with faces – real, contoured, actual-size faces. As I pass people in the street, I hold their gaze for slightly longer than normal, perhaps because eye contact feels like a new-won privilege. I might just be projecting my own feelings on to them, but those faces look sober and chastened to me, aware of how swiftly the world can change and hopes can be dashed. I find myself agreeing with the Mexican priest in Graham Greene’s novel The Power and the Glory , who believes that when you look hard enough at other people’s faces, at the corners of their eyes and the shape of their mouths, you can’t help feeling tenderly towards them. Hate, he thinks, is “just a failure of the imagination”. Or perhaps just a failure to look.

People younger than me have a phrase they use when conversing online: “I see you.” It can be used for everything from complimenting a friend on a new haircut to comforting them when they feel rejected or wronged. At heart it means “I have noticed your existence.” Now that we are locking eyes with each other again, I realise how much I have missed being “seen”. The other day I saw a friend outside the supermarket and we stopped to talk, maskless and a few feet apart, like we did in the before times. The face in front of me didn’t blur or pixellate like the ones on my laptop, nor was there any disconcerting time lag in the way it responded to mine. It just picked up where it left off a year ago, noticing my nods and smiles and mirroring them with its own – a wordless message I had almost forgotten how to read. Roughly translated it said: “I see you.”

If You Should Fail: A Book of Solace by Joe Moran is published by Viking at £14.99. Buy it for £13.04 at <a data-link-name="in body link" dir="ltr" href="https://guardianbookshop.com/if-you-should-fail-9780241422793.html" title="">guardianbookshop.com </a>

‘We are born hungry for faces’: why are they so compelling?

Fearing confrontation never does anybody good, especially to ourselves.
When we don&#39;t advocate for ourselves we will never be able to meet our needs. Surely, avoiding confrontation gives us temporary relief from our anxieties but it will not benefit us in the long run because the problem will keep hanging over our heads.

Afraid of confrontation

&quot;Avoidance builds a wall between us and others - if we cannot speak with respectful honesty, we cannot build a close relationship.&quot;

&quot;You have a need, want, or opinion, and you have every right to express it.&quot;

When we avoid confronting people or certain situations we can metaphorically think of ourselves as a kettle, where our negative feelings about the situation will bound to seep out regardless of how hard we try to ignore them.
It will show in the form of resentment, hostility, or passive aggression.

The damaging effects of avoidance

We may associate confrontation with heated arguments and doomed relationships, but confrontation can be quite healthy for the people involved when approached with kindness mixed with assertiveness, can be quiet healthy for people involved.
Start thinking of confrontation as a situation where you can have a radically honest conversation with the other person that could bring you closer or express deep concern and a negotiation where you could both win.

Confrontation is not a bad thing

<ul>
<li>Before confronting anyone, make sure that you have your feelings in check. Be specific about what you are feeling. Vagueness never does good.</li>
<li>List the things that upset you and bother you - from people to emotions, to unmet needs. You&#39;ll be able to bring even more clarity to the issue and have something to refer back to when you lose your train of thought.</li>
</ul>

Focus on what you have to say

Does the short-term reward of being relieved really pay off more than the long-term reward of &quot;being done with it&quot;? 
A couple of hours of discomfort is a small price to pay for the peace of mind you&#39;ll be able to enjoy afterward.

The delayed gratification of confrontation

<ul>
<li>During the confrontation, refrain from attacking the other person&#39;s character and keep the focus on your feelings. Confrontation shouldn&#39;t be a competition between who&#39;s right and wrong.</li>
<li>Express what you think and how you feel in a respectful manner. Remember that if you were being accused of something, it doesn&#39;t feel good either.</li>
<li>Take responsibility for what you have done wrong or could have done better in the situation and work together towards a mutually beneficial solution.</li>
</ul>

Collaboration over competition

<ul>
<li>Even if the overall outcome isn&#39;t what you expected, don&#39;t be too hard on yourself and give yourself credit for what you have done right.</li>
<li>Acknowledge your good and treat yourself to a little something that indulges you.</li>
<li>Learn how to reevaluate how you measure success and failure when it comes to confrontation.</li>
</ul>

Reward yourself

Conflict-averse? Here's what you can do to have a productive conversation that doesn't escalate into a fight.

For many, the thought of having to confront another person fills us with fear, anxiety and a whole lot of dread — whether it’s talking to a roommate about their less-than-hygienic cleaning standards, approaching a co-worker who keeps taking credit for your ideas or telling a relative their off-color “jokes” are actually offensive.

Rather than deal with these issues head-on, we’d much rather put off the conversations to some later date or — better yet — avoid them altogether.

“We often picture a confrontation to include many factors that are distasteful to a lot of us: anger or hostility, thinking on our feet, the possibility of getting railroaded, potential rejection, or the worry we won’t be able to control our emotions — that we’ll burst into tears or make a fool of ourselves,” said Boston University clinical psychologist <a data-rapid_p="1" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:5;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.ellenhendriksen.com/" role="link">Ellen Hendriksen </a>, author of <a data-rapid_p="2" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:5;pos:2;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Yourself-Critic-Anxiety/dp/1250161703?tag=thehuffingtop-20" role="link">“How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety.” </a>

“If we’re not good at advocating for ourselves, [or] we were taught not to be a bother or a burden, or we’re allergic to strong emotion, confrontation is bound to feel aversive.”

When we avoid tough conversations, we get some temporary relief from our anxiety. But in the long run, we’re only hurting ourselves. Our needs won’t be met, the problem won’t be solved and we erode our self-esteem in the process.

“You’re endorsing the idea that you don’t have what it takes to go toe-to-toe with another person,” said Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California, and author of the “<a data-rapid_p="5" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:11;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=https-3A__www.amazon.com_Mental-2DHealth-2DJournal-2DMen-2DPractices_dp_1647396255_ref-3Dsr-5F1-5F3-3Fdchild-3D1-26keywords-3Dmental-2Bhealth-2Bjournal-2Bfor-2Bmen-2Bhowes-26qid-3D1593208209-26sr-3D8-2D3-26fbclid-3DIwAR0qt53Xq3tEQz-5FFxy8P8FzuS7JumoL-5F9jFccuaUzfAlAHRRuGkQsJ7PEyU&amp;d=DwMFaQ&amp;c=sWW_bEwW_mLyN3Kx2v57Q8e-CRbmiT9yOhqES_g_wVY&amp;r=u3-EieIpJ6Q4RN5NVEudahB1aiFhxBl9bXqrckRwnPE&amp;m=Qdx_ULg63MXRMKBIbamT2A9BR7dN8PkFhgP0a8fAQ10&amp;s=lpI8WB57Yt_SYs8_cIX_zQG3H_NwY9HykiuyUmHI6nQ&amp;e=" role="link">Mental Health Journal for Men </a>.”

“You’re saying their ideas are more important than yours and acting accordingly. Every time you continue this pattern, you are reinforcing this belief, confirming that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself.”

“Avoidance builds a wall between us and others — if we can’t speak with respectful honesty, we can’t build a close relationship.”

This avoidant approach can do damage to our relationships, too. By not speaking up, we think we’re keeping the peace. But eventually, our negative feelings are bound to seep out, no matter how hard we try to ignore them.

“If we avoid talking about something that’s upsetting us, we clamp a lid on the metaphorical boiling kettle,” Hendriksen said. “Eventually, steam will start to escape in the form of resentment, hostility, or passive-aggression. Second, avoidance builds a wall between us and others — if we can’t speak with respectful honesty, we can’t build a close relationship.”

Below is some helpful advice for anyone who struggles with confrontation.

Confrontation isn’t a bad thing — so stop treating it like it is.

“Whether you learned to walk on eggshells because you once had a difficult boss, or your fear of confrontation goes all the way back to childhood, check your assumptions,” psychotherapist <a data-rapid_p="6" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:17;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://amymorinlcsw.com/" role="link">Amy Morin </a>wrote for <a data-rapid_p="7" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:17;pos:2;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201610/6-ways-overcome-the-fear-confrontation" role="link">Psychology Today </a>.

What false narrative have you spun in your head that could use some reframing? You may associate confrontation with heated arguments and doomed relationships. But know that confrontation can actually be quite healthy when approached in a kind but assertive way.

“Confrontation doesn’t have to be a spittle-flecked screaming match that ends with estrangement,” Hendriksen said. “It can be a win-win negotiation, a radically honest conversation that brings you closer, or an expression of deep concern.”

Focus on what you have to say, rather than how it will be received.

When you’re so worried about how the other person might react, it’s easy to get stuck in your head and lose sight of the real purpose of the conversation.

“You have a need, want, or opinion, and you have every right to express it,” Howes said.

It may help to spend some time <a data-rapid_p="8" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:29;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://nickwignall.com/confrontations/" role="link">clarifying your feelings </a>before you initiate the conversation. Make some bullet points about what’s bothering you — and be specific. Instead of writing something vague like, “I wish my roommate was more considerate,” you might say, “I wish my roommate would give me a heads-up before inviting people over to the apartment.”

“Just start listing everything you can think of when it comes to what’s upsetting you,” clinical psychologist Nick Wignall <a data-rapid_p="9" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:31;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://nickwignall.com/confrontations/" role="link">wrote in a blog post </a>. “Could be people involved, different emotions you were feeling, fantasies that run through your mind, whatever. By forcing yourself to think on paper, you will get a lot more clarity on the real issue.”

Once you’ve narrowed down your main points, you can jot them down on a post-it or save them as a note in your phone. That way you have something to refer back to during the conversation if you’re worried you might lose your train of thought, Howes said.

“Confrontation doesn’t have to be a spittle-flecked screaming match that ends with estrangement. It can be a win-win negotiation, a radically honest conversation that brings you closer, or an expression of deep concern.”

Weigh the long-term payoff against the short-term discomfort.

Being uneasy about the confrontation for the next few hours or days is a small price to pay for the peace of mind you’ll enjoy afterward. It’s much better than having this thing hanging over your head for weeks, months or even years.

Howes offered the example of a neighbor who borrowed your lawnmower but has yet to return it. Now you want to cut the grass in your yard — but you really don’t want to ask for it back. As your lawn grows, so, too, does your resentment.

“Five months from now, and countless hours of rumination and resentment and bitterness, you blow up at [this person] and get your lawnmower back while destroying your friendship,” he said.

“Sure, you could experience months of internal strife and the eventual blow-up, or you could face 30 seconds of discomfort now and say, ‘Hey, do you think you’ll be done with the lawnmower soon?’ and allow a polite confrontation [to keep you] from ruining your summer.”

Use “I” statements to keep defensiveness at bay.

Instead of telling a friend, “You’re so self-absorbed — you always talk about yourself and don’t care how I’m doing,” you might say, “I feel hurt when our conversations are one-sided. It would mean a lot if you’d check in with me more and ask how I’m doing.”

You want to keep the focus on your feelings. <a data-rapid_p="10" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;g:a46ba027-4a60-3053-87dd-29a38dee6fa1;itc:0;cpos:37;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/criticism-toxic-habit-ruin-relationship_l_5d41e484e4b0d24cde0a05f2" role="link">Attacking the other person’s character </a>will only make them defensive. Once their guard is up, it’ll be harder to get through to them.

“Avoid being overly accusatory; express what you think and how you feel,” Morin wrote. “Most important, take a few deep breaths and don’t let your anger get the best of you — even if the other person lashes out. The goal is to be assertive, not aggressive.”

Another way to reduce defensiveness: Take responsibility for anything you may have done wrong or could have done better in the situation — even if it’s something small.

“Of course, you don’t want to take this too far and start apologizing for things you haven’t done or simply making things up just to make the other person feel better,” <a data-rapid_p="11" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:43;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://nickwignall.com/confrontations/" role="link">Wignall wrote </a>.

But assuming responsibility is a “powerful way of signaling that this isn’t personal and you’re not attacking or criticizing the other person. It’s just about making things better for everyone going forward,” he added.

Approach confrontations like a collaboration rather than a competition.

Instead of adopting a you-against-them mentality, think about it as the two of you united against the problem, Hendriksen said.

“For example, in approaching a potential confrontation with your partner on overspending, open not with, ‘You need to get your Amazon spending under control,’ but with, ‘I know we’re trying to save for a down payment on a house; how can we keep our eye on the prize?’” she said.

If the conversation gets derailed, steer it back to your common goal.

“You’ll feel less like adversaries and more like a team,” she added.

Howes agreed: It’s better to work together toward a mutually beneficial solution when you can. Plus, collaboration is less intimidating — and often more productive — than pure confrontation.

“Say your boss needs extra work on a project but you can’t give any more time,” he said. “You can approach this as a problem to be solved rather than a battle to win: ‘Let’s put our heads together to figure out a way for you to get this problem done. I don’t have extra time, so I’m not an option, but how about hiring a temp, borrowing someone from another department, or postponing the delivery date? What other ideas do you have?’”

Regardless of the outcome, reward yourself for facing your fears.

When it’s over, take a moment to <a data-rapid_p="12" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:47;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://nickwignall.com/confrontations/" role="link">acknowledge what you did well </a>. Maybe you were able to maintain a respectful tone of voice, even when you wanted to yell. Maybe you tackled the conversation early in the week instead of putting it off for months.

“Even if the overall outcome didn’t go the way you wanted, you can still give yourself credit for doing certain aspects of it well,” <a data-rapid_p="13" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:49;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://nickwignall.com/confrontations/" role="link">Wignall wrote </a>.

Then treat yourself to a little something: your favorite take-out meal, a scenic bike ride, a manicure or any other indulgence that makes you feel good.

“You have a need, want, or opinion, and you have every right to express it.”

Howes also encourages his clients to reevaluate how they measure success and failure when it comes to confrontation. It’s not about whether you were able to change the other person’s mind or behavior, as we have no control over those things. We can, however, get more comfortable confronting our fears and get better at advocating for ourselves.

“Did you start a conversation? Job well done,” Howes said. “Did you ask for what you wanted — even if the other person disagreed? Good work standing up for yourself.”

We’ve all been there: Somehow, you’ve found yourself in a conversation with a person you have nothing in common with, someone who intimidates you or someone who won’t stop complaining. These kinds of interactions can be uncomfortable, to say the least. Our HuffPost series <a data-rapid_p="14" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:52;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/life/topic/how-to-talk-to-just-about-anyone" role="link">How to Talk to Just About Anyone </a>will help you navigate these conversations and others. Go <a data-rapid_p="15" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:52;pos:2;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/life/topic/how-to-talk-to-just-about-anyone" role="link">here </a>for all the latest.

How To Confront Someone When You Hate Confrontation

Before you have any conversation about hard topics, find areas of alignment.
In order to have an effective conversation, don&#39;t ask a question the other person is not willing to answer. When you desire a certain outcome, see where your goals and theirs align.

A good conversation about hard topics

Show the other party empathy. Validate their concern and give them your full attention.
Above all else, people want to know they are being heard. Every argument is about &quot;Did you see me? Did you hear me?&quot;

The root of conflict is not feeling heard

If the answer is unsatisfactory, reframe the question or ask a follow-up question.
The ability to be direct about desiring clarification is a skill we can benefit from.

Don't be afraid to follow up

Learn from the expert communicator herself how to ask uncomfortable questions and get the answers you need.

On Sunday, the world was <a data-rapid_p="1" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;g:224f676d-9e22-36db-83d5-73808f5fe55c;itc:0;cpos:1;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/oprah-winfrey-interview-meghan-harry-cbs_n_604645abc5b613cec15fa36e" role="link">once again reminded </a>that <a data-rapid_p="2" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:1;pos:2;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/news/topic/oprah-winfrey" role="link">Oprah Winfrey </a>is a gifted orator, master storyteller and expert interviewer. Over two hours of a CBS primetime <a data-rapid_p="3" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:1;pos:3;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.cbs.com/shows/oprah-with-meghan-and-harry-a-cbs-primetime-special/video/i6UW_WTQjLrEeOoObMmlwrFLTTypvuZm/cbs-presents-oprah-with-meghan-and-harry-a-primetime-special/" role="link">special </a>, Winfrey’s empathetic yet firm questions to <a data-rapid_p="4" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:1;pos:4;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/topic/megan-markle" role="link">Meghan Markle </a>and <a data-rapid_p="5" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:1;pos:5;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/life/topic/prince-harry" role="link">Prince Harry </a>about their exit from the British royal family prompted dramatic disclosures about the <a data-rapid_p="6" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;g:65827f71-8616-36e2-9f56-ebd4b62c60fb;itc:0;cpos:1;pos:6;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/meghan-harry-archie-oprah-interview-cbs_n_60457f8ec5b6429d0834846b" role="link">racist treatment </a>Meghan and her son Archie faced in the U.K. and the toxic relationships between members of the royal family.

You may not be a media mogul who honed her skills over more than 5,000 <a data-rapid_p="7" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:3;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/23/business/media/23oprah.html" role="link">episodes </a>of a daytime talk show, but there will likely come a time in your job or your life where you will need to have a high-stakes conversation and ask uncomfortable questions.

Here are some techniques just demonstrated by the expert herself:

1. To have a good conversation about hard topics, find areas of alignment.

On Monday’s CBS This Morning show, Winfrey was asked why the Duke and Duchess of Sussex agreed to be interviewed by her when they knew it was unlikely to make their relationship with the British royal family any easier.

“Before I do any interview, I have a conversation with whoever I’m interviewing and ask, ‘Tell me what your intention is, and I will tell you what my intention is, and let’s see if we can align those two,’” Winfrey said. “I don’t want you to finish an interview and at the end of the interview, you say, ‘I wish I had said ... ’”

In other words, Winfrey doesn’t need a “gotcha” moment in which she springs a question on a participant who is not willing to answer in order to have an effective conversation. She does it by seeing where interests intersect and focusing her questions along those paths.

When you are talking with someone and have an eye for a desired outcome, see where your goals and theirs align.

2. The root of conflict is not feeling heard. Give people your full attention when talking.

Winfrey <a data-rapid_p="13" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:15;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.cnbc.com/2020/02/14/oprah-winfrey-on-what-she-learned-after-interviewing-37000-people.html" role="link">said </a>last year that she has interviewed 37,000 people, and from that experience, she has learned that, above all else, people want to know they are being heard. “I can tell you, in your daily encounters, in your kitchen, in your conference rooms, in your work, in all of your relationships,” Winfrey <a data-rapid_p="14" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:15;pos:2;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.cnbc.com/2020/02/14/oprah-winfrey-on-what-she-learned-after-interviewing-37000-people.html" role="link">said </a>, “that is what every person you encounter is looking to know. ‘Did you see me? Do you hear me?’ And every argument is about that.”

Winfrey has <a data-rapid_p="15" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:17;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.cnbc.com/2020/02/14/oprah-winfrey-on-what-she-learned-after-interviewing-37000-people.html" role="link">said </a>she validates that concern by practicing meditation and working to stay present during her conversations. During her interview with Meghan, viewers could see Winfrey validating the Duchess’ experiences and giving her the power of her full attention.

At one point, when Meghan said concerns had been raised about the possible color of her future child’s skin, Winfrey let out an incredulous and purposeful “What?!?” that conveyed the weight of what Meghan had just revealed. Without rushing or interrupting, Winfrey then asked: “Who is having that conversation with you? ... What?”

She knows the power of pausing, and letting the moment build.

By showing her empathy and her incredulity, Winfrey let the viewer know that this is something that deserves their full attention, too. Doing this with others shows you are an empathetic listener who will give their sensitive story the attention it deserves.

3. If an answer is unsatisfactory, don’t be afraid to follow up.

Throughout the interview, Winfrey asked hard questions of the Sussexes. When they did not fully explain an answer to her satisfaction, Winfrey asked it again, often by reframing the question or asking a follow-up such as, “How so?”

When Meghan explained that she had always advocated for women to use their voices but then she herself was silent, Winfrey followed up by asking if she was “silent” or “silenced” after her marriage to Harry. Meghan then clarified: “The latter.”

When Winfrey first asked Harry to share what was said about his son’s skin tone, he said, “That conversation, I’m never going to share,” but later Winfrey got him to clarify it was centered on the question, “What will the kids look like?” In her appearance on CBS Monday morning, Winfrey <a data-rapid_p="21" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;g:3b291cf9-1bb3-3da2-87ee-9f405b7b13ba;itc:0;cpos:23;pos:1;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/oprah-queen-elizabeth-prince-philip-racist-archie_n_604614e2c5b6020855604032" role="link">clarified </a>that she followed up again off-camera and learned the person who brought up the topic was neither <a data-rapid_p="22" data-v9y="0" data-ylk="subsec:paragraph;itc:0;cpos:23;pos:2;elm:context_link" dir="ltr" href="https://www.huffpost.com/entertainment/topic/queen-elizabeth" role="link">Queen Elizabeth </a>nor her husband, Prince Philip.

Winfrey’s firm persistence is what makes her one of the greatest celebrity interviewers of all time. She knows that to ask a question, you have to keep up with what is and is not being said, and be unafraid to circle back and call it out. You may not be interviewing the Duke and Duchess of Sussex on primetime TV, but the ability to be direct about wanting a clarification is a skill everyone can benefit from.

3 Ways Oprah Showed Us How To Have High-Stakes Conversations

“What you’re trying to do, when you tell a story, is to write about an event in your life that made you feel some particular way. And what you’re trying to do, when you tell a story, is to get the audience to have that same feeling.”

The Story Spine structure: Once upon a time there was [blank]. Every day, [blank]. One day [blank]. Because of that, [blank]. Until finally [bank].A story’s purpose: find why you want to tell this story, what belief of yours fueled that story, what does it teach and its purpose. Stories with a purpose that you are passionate about have a bigger impact.

Pixar’s Plotting Techniques For Structure And Purpose

“Storytelling is the greatest technology that humans have ever created.”

Quote

<ol><li>Great stories convey things common to the human condition in unique situations. They are universal.&nbsp;</li><li>Great stories have a clear structure and purpose.&nbsp;</li><li>People find it easy to root for an underdog and they don’t even need to succeed. They value the character’s journey over their destination.</li><li>Great stories appeal to our deepest emotions.&nbsp;</li><li>Having the readers perceptions of reality challenged or changed in some way makes for great storytelling.</li><li>Great stories are simple and focused. Resist the urge to show all the world building you made to allow your audience to get lost in the narrative. You can test your story by reading it to a new person and watching their reactions and questions.</li></ol>

6 Rules for Great Storytelling

Pixar is arguably one of the greatest storytellers of our generation. Over the years, they've won 13 Academy Awards, 9 Golden Globes, and 11 Grammys. Effective storytelling involves a deep understanding of human emotions, motivations, and psychology in order to truly move an audience.

6 Rules of Great Storytelling (As Told by Pixar)

It is not the person who has the best idea or the right answer that wins. It is the person who tells the most compelling story that wins.
Many successes work this way. Tesla is worth seven times more than GM and Ford combined, not because it built a good business but because Elon Musk is good at getting peoples attention.

The best story wins

Problem Solving

&quot;The best arguments in the world won’t change a single person’s mind. The only thing that can do that is a good story.&quot;

Stories can squeeze the full potential out of something with less effort.
Trying to explain something difficult with only facts and figures is often dead to the hearer. Part of what made Albert Einstein so talented was his imagination and ability to break complexity down into a simple picture. He considered gravity by imagining bowling balls and billiard balls competing for space on a trampoline surface.

When a topic is complex, stories are like leverage

Stories can capture and direct attention.
Steven Spielberg said: &quot;The most amazing thing for me is that every single person who sees a movie brings a whole set of unique experiences. But through careful manipulation and good storytelling, you can get everybody to clap at the same time, to laugh at the same time, and to be afraid at the same time.&quot;

Stories get diverse people to focus on a single point

Rory Sutherland stated that &quot;It seems likely that the biggest progress in the next 50 years may come not from improvements in technology but in psychology and design thinking. Put simply, it’s easy to achieve massive improvements in perception at a fraction of the cost of equivalent improvements in reality.&quot;
Many ideas that have already been discovered could grow so much more if someone just explained them better.

Good stories create hidden opportunities

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A truth that applies to many fields, which can frustrate some as much as it energizes others, is that the person who tells the most compelling story wins. Not who has the best idea, or the right answer. Just whoever tells a story that catches people’s attention and gets them to nod their heads.

C. R. Hallpike is a respected anthropologist who once wrote a review of a young author’s recent book on the history of humans. It states:

It would be fair to say that whenever his facts are broadly correct they are not new, and whenever he tries to strike out on his own he often gets things wrong, sometimes seriously … [It is not] a contribution to knowledge.

One is that the book’s author doesn’t seem to disagree with the assessment.

Another is that the author, Yuval Noah Harari, has sold over 27 million books, making him one of the bestselling contemporary authors in any field, and his book <a href="https://amzn.to/3a5KjTk">Sapiens </a> – which Hallpike was reviewing – the most successful anthropology book of all time.

Harari <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/02/17/yuval-noah-harari-gives-the-really-big-picture">recently said </a>about writing Sapiens :

I thought, ‘This is so banal!’ … There is absolutely nothing there that is new. I’m not an archeologist. I’m not a primatologist. I mean, I did zero new research. . . . It was really reading the kind of common knowledge and just presenting it in a new way.

What Sapiens does have is excellent writing. Beautiful writing. The stories are captivating, the flow is effortless. Harari took what was already known and wrote it better than anyone had done before. The result was fame greater than anyone before him could imagine. Best story wins.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, because so many successes work this way.

The Civil War is probably the most well-documented period in American history. There are thousands of books analyzing every conceivable angle, chronicling every possible detail. But in 1990 Ken Burns’ Civil War documentary became an instant phenomenon, with 39 million viewers and winning 40 major film awards. As many Americans watched Ken Burns’ Civil War in 1990 as watched the Super Bowl that year. And all he did – not to minimize it, because it’s such a feat – is take 130-year-old existing information and wove it into a (very) good story.

Bill Bryson is the same. His books fly off the shelves, which I understand drives the little-known academics who uncovered the things he writes about crazy. His latest work is <a href="https://amzn.to/371Jklf">basically an anatomy textbook </a>. It has no new information, no discoveries. But it’s so well written – he tells such a good story – that it became an instant New York Times bestseller and the Washington Post ’s Book of the Year.

Charles Darwin <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Russel_Wallace">didn’t discover </a>evolution, he just wrote the first and most compelling book about it.

<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Burr_Williams">John Burr Williams </a>had more profound insight on the topic of valuing companies than Benjamin Graham. But Graham knew how to write a good paragraph, so he became the legend.

Same with Tesla, isn’t it? The company is worth seven times more than GM and Ford combined, not because it built a good business but because Elon Musk is good at getting people’s attention. Customers. Investors. Twitter followers – he’s told them all a good story, and the best story wins.

This drives you crazy if you assume the world is swayed by facts and objectivity – if you assume best idea wins. There’s a devoted group of Harari critics obsessed with showing how unoriginal his work is; Musk is viewed with the same mix of confusion and contempt.

In a perfect world the importance of information wouldn’t rely on its author’s eloquence. But we live in a world where people are bored, impatient, emotional, and need complicated things distilled into easy-to-grasp scenes.

If you look, I think you’ll find that wherever information is exchanged – wherever there are products, companies, careers, politics, knowledge, education, and culture – you will find that the best story wins. Great ideas explained poorly can go nowhere while old or wrong ideas told compellingly can ignite a revolution. Morgan Freeman can narrate a grocery list and bring people to tears, while an inarticulate scientist might cure disease and go unnoticed.

Novelist Richard Powers put it this way: “The best arguments in the world won’t change a single person’s mind. The only thing that can do that is a good story.”

A few things about good stories worth remembering:

When a topic is complex, stories are like leverage .

Leverage is just something that squeezes the full potential out of something with less effort. Stories can leverage ideas in the same way debt can leverage assets.

Trying to explain something like physics is so hard if you’re just deadlifting facts and formulas. But if you can explain things like how fire works with a story about balls rolling down hills and running into each other – <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1pIYI5JQLE&amp;ab_channel=nebulajr">watch Richard Feynman, an astounding storyteller, do that here </a>– you can explain something complex in seconds, without much effort.

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