Efficient communication within a relationship

• We indicate that we are feeling threatened when we take a step back or we show any sign of a closed body language.
• Crossing our arms also shows nervousness and it puts our audience in a defensive mode.
• Your end up showing that you feel superior to the rest of the room if you tilt your head backward.

Match your gestures to your words.
We are visual creatures, and any movement used in the right way in this direction will spark the attention of your audience. Just try not to abuse this rule.

... when you’re in a relationship. Think about those four horsemen of the relationships apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and how often do you exhibit any of them.

Try to observe your actions and strive to understand the reasons behind them.

It helps to view your relationship as a “work of art” that you two are co-creating together, in real-time.

The work-of-art mindset can help counter that pessimistic self-narrative. Instead, you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

Experiencing a rocky start is enough sometimes to discourage us from going any further and we convince ourselves we don't have what it takes to do a certain task.

How to outsmart it: Develop a growth mindset and try to see each failure as just an opportunity to learn.

While our identities can give us a sense of meaning and a place in the world, sometimes they can get in our way when we’re attempting new things: many of us will avoid doing anything that threatens our sense of self.

How to outsmart it: Find people like you, that are doing the things you'd like to do and share your concerns with them.

We live in an age where many feel that they are entitled to a perfect life. But at some stage, everyone will face a tragedy.

When tough times do come, resilient people seem to recognize that suffering is part of every human life. Understanding this stops you from feeling discriminated against when trouble comes.

Resilient people typically manage to focus on the things they can change and accept the things they can't.

Don't get swallowed up by your troubles. Don't lose what you still have to what you have lost.

Being a leader is a little like being a parent. You have all the best intentions of how great you will be and how you will avoid the mistakes you see other people make.

But, people in a leadership role find it is not that easy; they have too much to do and not enough time; they don't properly think through their priorities; they assume that people beneath them will take care of a lot of problems.

• Think of someone you thought was a bad leader and list any of the negative behaviors they displayed.
• Ask yourself if you share any of those behaviors — score 1 for not likely to 5 for very likely: for instance, someone who kept important information away from employees, a micromanager, a vague communicator, a yeller, someone who didn't keep their word.
• After you identify your potential areas of improvement, make a plan for how you'll work on them.

The main difference between individuals who show a certain level of self-compassion and the ones who show none or lower is that the first ones have the strength to stand up after having made a mistake, learn something from this mistake and be successful next time.

A sure way of practicing self-compassion is by actually trying to learn lessons from all your experiences, especially the negative ones. 

You should stop judging these experiences as being good or bad, but rather look for the meaning of each and every one of them.

"Conflict is information, and handled well, conflict is opportunity."

Asking questions as if you don't know anything about the whole problem, and listening carefully, can ease out the worst of conflicts.

Listening also makes other people get the impression that you care.

When you encounter a new claim, look for conflicts of interest. Ask: Do they stand to profit from what they say? Are they affiliated with an organization that could be swaying them? Other questions to consider: What makes the writer or speaker qualified to comment on the topic? What statements have they made in the past?

Is a cognitive bias that makes our feeling towards someone affect how we judge their claims. If we dislike someone, we are a lot more likely to disagree with them; if we like them, we are biased to agree.

Our brains process information in two ways:

• Fast: Our fast brain is highly efficient, and makes decisions automatically by focusing on a few details it finds important, based on past experience.
• Slow: Our slow brain uses control processing to make decisions, and takes into account more information.

Our brains spend most of their time in fast mode. However, we should avoid relying on our fast brain when we are in a new situation or when we are under stress.

• Pay attention: Your brain will default to making fast decisions, not accurate ones. 
• Take some deep breaths. It will help you calm your nervous system.
• Be curious. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself. Then ask if it is true.

With practice, you can learn to control your brain's knee-jerk reactions in distressing situations.

Some people have a fear of being wrong. They measure success by how few mistakes they make.

Some people know what the language should sound like, where they are at currently, and how far they have to go to get there.

Speaking a language is not like those exams that many of us had to take in grade school, where a tiny grammar mistake would lose you marks.

In the real world, small errors don't matter. What matters is to make yourself understood. 

Don't focus on yourself or on your own mistakes. Focus on the other person you're talking to and the result you want to get.