Carving Out Identity in Adulthood

While narcissistic traits are the kind that drives away most people, children are bound to the narcissist by birth, and as they grow into adolescence and adulthood, they may remain entangled in their narcissistic parent’s web. Bound by guilt and obligation, it can be difficult to move on and disengage. To do so, a clean break may be needed; limiting contact with parents and learning to ignore their calls and texts. Most of us receive a message to honor our parents and show them obedience, but narcissistic parents fail to earn their children’s respect due to the emotional disruption they trigger. Individuating from your parent and building your own sense of self may require you to consciously set aside any hopes that your parent will change and acknowledge that they can never be, nor have they ever been, the “good enough” parent that every child deserves. Accepting the loss of what you never had can free you to become the person you know you were meant to be.

Bowlby and Parke developed a four-stage model of grief that focused on the aspect of attachment to the person who is gone. The stages include shock and numbness, yearning and searching, despair and disorganization, and reorganization and recovery. Bowlby’s research into attachment focused on the ...