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Realign, Reprioritize, and Rebuild Emotional Connections

Our Deepest Desires

Some of the greatest pleasures come from the deepest pain. Many of our emotional connections can make use of imagination, fantasy, exploration, curiosity and other innovative ways to navigate these traumatic times.

Relationships that have taken a hit due to the quarantine would either be together in a deep way or would fall apart. The world has now made it clear that it is time to reexamine our relationships and priorities.

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Realign, Reprioritize, and Rebuild Emotional Connections

Realign, Reprioritize, and Rebuild Emotional Connections

https://estherperel.com/blog/opportunity-from-tragedy-emotional-connections

estherperel.com

7

Key Ideas

Opportunity In Tragedy

Many of us can’t wait to get back to normal life. Others believe that is never going to happen, and that’s good.

Life before 2020 wasn’t perfect in any sense. We were financially, physically and spiritually depleted. We were not living our lives, but marching towards a path we didn’t want to, due to the lure of financial security in the future, which, as we realize now, doesn’t exist anymore.

The New Normal

... requires a new mindset. Our lives are being redefined in front of our eyes, and this an opportunity to rebuild, reprioritize, reconnect, and even let go of some of the things that were holding us back long before the global crisis happened.

Feel The Pain

Many of us have lost our loved ones, jobs, human touch, safety and security, and many milestones of life. It is important to feel this misery, to experience the grief, as from this sadness and grief are what will help us accept reality, and provide us with the drive and energy to move forward. We cannot be stuck in denial any longer.

Balancing Fear And Hope

Apart from the visible losses, there has been a lot of delay, reorientation and cancellations of our life’s plans, and many relationships broken or derailed due to the pandemic and the accompanying measures restricting movement. There are countless situations and stories that demand a solution, which isn’t visible currently.

Self Analysis

We need to ask ourselves some basic questions about what we really want, what we want to become or accomplish in the future, and what all we can control.

We need to understand what we need to let go of, and for what we need to fight for. This is a complete overhaul of our life situation and will ensure that only what’s really important remains.

Our Deepest Desires

Some of the greatest pleasures come from the deepest pain. Many of our emotional connections can make use of imagination, fantasy, exploration, curiosity and other innovative ways to navigate these traumatic times.

Relationships that have taken a hit due to the quarantine would either be together in a deep way or would fall apart. The world has now made it clear that it is time to reexamine our relationships and priorities.

Emotional Connections

A tragedy can also be an opportunity to build connections that were otherwise hard to nurture. The current situation is forcing us to face a massive deviation towards the unknown, and we need to look at this with positivity and possibility, not with fear and loss.

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The new relationships norms
The new relationships norms

There are new trends in the intimate relationship landscape. We want to maintain unclear relationships - too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building....

Relationships terms
  • Ghosting: Stopping communications suddenly and completely with someone you are dating, but no longer want to date. You cannot face the pain you will inflict, so you make it invisible by disappearing.
  • Icing: Making up a reason to prolong the relationship. "I'm too busy." You want the person to hang on and be there if you change your mind.
  • Simmering: Reducing the frequency of dates and communication. You know it isn't working, but you like the security of the relationship while you browse other options.
  • Power parting: You know it isn't working and end the relationship conclusively. "This isn't working for me. Thank you for sharing your world. I enjoyed our time together and wish you all my best."
Bringing back relationship accountability

Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifesting the decline of empathy in our society. This encourages selfishness in one party without regard to the consequences of others.

Try to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, even when they were short in duration. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both parties to enter another relationship with a clear head rather than with insecurity.

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The value of complaining
The value of complaining

As important and healing as gratitude is, we can't be grateful all the time. There is a time when we also have to make room for complaints.

For weeks, we've been going through p...

Complaining is better with others
  • Make space for other people to vent aloud. They know that they are powerless, and they have to accept the situation. Venting gives them the illusion that they are in control.
  • Have a little competition with your best complaints.
  • Create a house chart of complaints where your kids can let out their own.
  • Avoid complaining mistakes (such as: getting carried away by anger, firing too many complaints at a time or thinking that complaining alone will save us from our problems).
There is no such thing as the ideal partner
There is no such thing as the ideal partner

Thus, you should give up the hope that you can be flawless and put together every day in a relationship.

That idea is not realistic, puts you in a continuous state of feeling that ...

Supportive, long-term relationships

To foster a long-term, supportive, solid relationships, it's important to recognize your flaws while still holding yourself and your partner in high regard.

Start by freeing yourself from the outdated notions of how an exemplary partner should behave.

Being “chill/cool”

These are not signs of emotional maturity or intelligence, because there are some things that you should get upset about (an unfaithful or neglectful partner, for example).

Specific situations demand certain reactions, and this idea of people being “too much” or “crazy” is destructive because it causes you to act fake and pretend that your partner’s hurtful actions don’t bother you.

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Loneliness And Loss Of Connection
Loneliness And Loss Of Connection

Loneliness is nothing new, but the last decade the feeling has expanded to alarming degrees. Loneliness used to mean being socially isolated, but now it means loss of connection, lack of trust, and...

Ambiguous Loss

It happens when your loved one is physically present but has gone absent in all other ways from any sort of relationship.

One can see it when a partner is half-listening to you, distracted on social media, or when during a phone conversation, you can feel that your partner is lost somewhere, and is lagging in his/her response.

Solitude In The Time Of Crisis

We used to love solitude when there was hustle-bustle on the streets, but now when the whole world is isolated and the streets are not as before, solitude feels stressful.

These times of crisis and loss have made our coping mechanism become extreme and unpredictable.

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It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fight
It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fight

Certain lines should not be crossed, and it’s important to repair them.

For that, keep in mind you have to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledge the fact they experience t...

The form fights take
  • The first dynamic of an argument: you gather the information that reinforces your beliefs and neglect information that challenges them.
  • The second dynamic: the negative attribution theoryIf I’m treating you poorly, it’s because I had a bad day.
  • The third dynamic: the negative escalation cycle. This is when we instigate from a person the very behavior we don’t want.
Mistakes during arguments
  • "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
  • Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
  • Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.

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Social Inequality
Social Inequality
  • Before we move towards a just society by going vocal globally, we need to cater to first place the injustice starts: Our Homes.
  • We need to have some hard conversations with our nea...
Tolerance and Broadening Our Mindsets
  • We need to find out how much tolerance we have of people that are different from us, whether it is their looks, background or belief patterns.
  • We also need to bust the myth that feeling really strongly about someone does not mean that one is right.
  • There are various online resources available like podcasts and videos that can educate individuals willing to understand reality and broaden their mindset about social inequality, diversity, and social justice.
The generic email greeting
The generic email greeting

The common email greeting is often an empty, yet necessary, formality. And these generic, surface-level greetings have probably harmed our relationships in some instances.

Rather than to me...

Emails: Mind the details

It can be difficult to know how to approach writing to a colleague now, especially when you want to find a balance between being vulnerable and professional.

Acknowledging what a co-worker is going through can make them feel really cared about. However, don't feel obligated to include such a personal note in every email. Generally, it is better to save personal information for a phone call or video chat.

An emotional proofread

Research shows that people will read more into your email and find your email more negative if they don't know you well.

Before sending your next email, give it an emotional proofread. Put yourself in the receiver's shoes, and try to imagine what you would feel if you received this email. Don't overthink your greetings and signoffs, either. A kind, real, and straightforward check-in could be enough.

Cautionary Hope
Cautionary Hope

Research shows that during disasters, altruism and kindness happen more than greed and selfishness. To tide over the current crisis requires optimism along with caution.

Action and accompli...

People With High Hopes

People with high hope have a good number of difficult, challenging goals, and a good scorecard of achievement.

They have lower rates of anxiety and depression and greater happiness. They cope well with problems that consume the rest of the world.

Hope = Goals + Agency + Pathways

Instead of wishful thinking, we need to know what we want (specific goals), and have the drive and passion to go towards it (agency) and should be able to generate methods and devices to achieve what we want (pathways).

When we do a sum total of these three, we get hope: Hope= Goals + Agency + Pathways

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Victorians lived in houses that were overflowing with artsy items and other kinds of things. So clutter is not entirely an American notion, but modern Americans cultivate its presence in ways that ...

The shift from accumulation to consumption

It happened between the 1880s and the 1920s. Before that, most belongings were either made at home or bought from local craftspeople or general stores.

American manufacturing and transportation took off around the turn of the 20th century, so the economy of items began to centralize.

Why we cling to material things

Psychologists found that people cling to material stuff as a response to a form of anxiety (about loss, financial instability, even body image) and that clutter itself is often a source of stress.

Clutter tends to accumulate in the homes those working people for whom the hope of financial stability and the lurking possibility of ruination are always present.

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