If you've ever tried to make new friends as an adult, you'll probably see why loneliness is at an all-time high: making, developing, and maintaining friendships can be much more difficult than it used to be. And that was before the pandemic made it much harder for us to see our friends.

The challenge of friendship

When researchers interviewed adults about making friends in a recent study, the most important challenge cited was a lack of trust. That is, people found it harder to put their trust in someone new and fully invest in them as a friend compared to when they were younger.Perhaps that’s why many people try to keep their circle of old friends as long as possible, given the trust they may have built up over many years.If we’ve had previous rejections as friends or suffered a breach of trust, we may find it harder to be trusting of others in the future. To trust a new friend means opening ourselves up<warningtag> and being vulnerable, just as we do in relationships.</warningtag>

Lack of trust

“Lack of time” was the second-most common reason people gave after “lack of trust” when asked why they found it hard to make friends as adults.When we have demanding work schedules, very involved family lives, or a combination of the two, our time for investing in friendships drops. Even when we meet a promising new friend, it can be hard to carve out time to invest in it. This is a bigger problem for older adults, given most people find their obligations increase with age.

Friendships need time

<ul><li>Build friendships for ten minutes a day. If you put in ten minutes a day, you can maintain existing friendships and build new ones. Send a text, forward a meme, add to the group chat or give someone a quick call. </li><li>When you do get to properly spend time with a friend or acquaintance, make the most of it. Avoid distractions if possible, keep Instagram for the couch at home, and be present with your new friend.</li><li>Lean into your vulnerability. If you struggle with trust, consider sharing personal information slowly, rather than all at once.</li></ul>

Get better at making friends as adults

Loneliness is everywhere - so how can we get better at making new friends?  The answer: vulnerability, trust and time.

communication

Communication

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

Why do we find making new friends so hard as adults?

Meaning-making is a set of stories that we tell ourselves about our relationships: "Do you like me? Do you not like me? Do you find me attractive? Do you value me? Do you respect me? Do you think I'm smart? Do you think I'm a good person?"All of these fundamental questions are continuously relational questions and that's why relationships are continuously a story.

We are creatures of meaning

Relationships are integral to our lives – they can bring us joy and happiness but navigating them can sometimes be hard. This Bitesize clip is from episode 119 of the podcast with Esther Perel. Esther is arguably one of the world’s leading and most original thinkers on modern relationships and relationship advice. Esther explains why relationships shape every aspect of our lives and why we often feel under pressure to have the perfect relationship. Esther talks us through how much the concept of marriage has changed over the past century and how our modern-day relationships are so different from the relationships of the past. Where once we would have had support from extended families and communities, increasingly we look to just one person to meet all our needs. Esther believes it is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives and she offers some relationship tips we can all start implementing today….. Subscribe to my new newsletter - Friday Five: https://drchatterjee.com/subscription/ Subscribe to this channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDnw... Watch the full Feel Better Live More podcast episode: #119 Esther Perel: Relationships and How They Shape Us | Feel Better Live More Podcast https://youtu.be/_Yaka0RHYfo #estherperel #relationshipadvice #feelbetterlivemorepodcast @Esther Perel Feel Great Lose Weight is now available in the UK https://amzn.to/2W6bsOE and in the US & Canada https://amzn.to/2GWPgls Dr Chatterjee’s book Feel Better in 5 is available in the UK https://amzn.to/2G0XK7l and in the US and Canada https://amzn.to/2EB2oM0 Order Dr Chatterjee’s book The Stress Solution https://amzn.to/2MZ8u8h Find Dr Chatterjee’s 4 Pillars of Health in The 4 Pillar Plan available via http://amzn.to/2yGfpuB The US version, How to Make Disease Disappear is available via https://amzn.to/2Gj1YEL Listen to all previous podcast episodes on https://drchatterjee.com/podcast or via these podcast platforms by searching for 'Feel Better, Live More'. Apple Podcasts - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... Acast - https://www.acast.com/feelbetterlivemore Stitcher - https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/feel... Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/6NyPQfcSR9nj0DPDr2ixrK Follow Dr Chatterjee at: Website: https://drchatterjee.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drchatterjee Twitter: https://twitter.com/drchatterjeeuk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drchatterjee/ Connect with Esther: Website: https://www.estherperel.com/ DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website.

videos

Videos

Relationships are integral to our lives – they can bring us joy and happiness but navigating them can sometimes be hard. This Bitesize clip is from episode 119 of the podcast with Esther Perel.  Esther is arguably one of the world’s leading and most original thinkers on modern relationships and relationship advice.

Esther explains why relationships shape every aspect of our lives and why we often feel under pressure to have the perfect relationship. 

Esther talks us through how much the concept of marriage has changed over the past century and how our modern-day relationships are so different from the relationships of the past. Where once we would have had support from extended families and communities, increasingly we look to just one person to meet all our needs.

Esther believes it is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives and she offers some relationship tips we can all start implementing today…..

Subscribe to my new newsletter - Friday Five: https://drchatterjee.com/subscription/

Subscribe to this channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDnw... 

Watch the full Feel Better Live More podcast episode:
#119 Esther Perel: Relationships and How They Shape Us | Feel Better Live More Podcast

https://youtu.be/_Yaka0RHYfo

#estherperel #relationshipadvice #feelbetterlivemorepodcast

@Esther Perel

Feel Great Lose Weight is now available in the UK https://amzn.to/2W6bsOE and in the US & Canada https://amzn.to/2GWPgls
Dr Chatterjee’s book Feel Better in 5 is available in the UK https://amzn.to/2G0XK7l and
in the US and Canada https://amzn.to/2EB2oM0
Order Dr Chatterjee’s book The Stress Solution https://amzn.to/2MZ8u8h
Find Dr Chatterjee’s 4 Pillars of Health in The 4 Pillar Plan available via http://amzn.to/2yGfpuB
The US version, How to Make Disease Disappear is available via https://amzn.to/2Gj1YEL

Listen to all previous podcast episodes on https://drchatterjee.com/podcast or via these
podcast platforms by searching for 'Feel Better, Live More'.
Apple Podcasts - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Acast - https://www.acast.com/feelbetterlivemore
Stitcher - https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/feel...
Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/6NyPQfcSR9nj0DPDr2ixrK
Follow Dr Chatterjee at: Website: https://drchatterjee.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drchatterjee
Twitter: https://twitter.com/drchatterjeeuk
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drchatterjee/

Connect with Esther:
Website: https://www.estherperel.com/

DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website.

Medical Doctor for 21 years and Author of 5 Bestselling Books
Host of UK and Europe's #1 Health Podcast: 'Feel Better, Live More'


Dr Rangan Chatterjee

Esther Perel: How To Strengthen Your Relationships and Enhance Your Life I Bitesize

We hide stuff from other people because we are afraid of intimacy, ashamed of our past, and what does secrecy cost us?Michael Slepian, a psychologist at Columbia University, has spent a decade studying secrets and has a lot to say about what they are and what motivates them.

Secrets and Lies

The hardest part of keeping a secret isn’t hiding it in conversation, it’s having to live with the secret alone and being unsure whether you’re doing the right thing.Most common secrets include romantic desire, money and finances, family secrets, secret ambitions, and violating another person’s trust.

I Know A Secret

We hold secrets back for the right reasons.Sometimes it's just too soon to reveal something, but like a week later, it's better to reveal it.The question is, when is that the right thing to do?Is this a one-time issue and it's not going to come up again, there are folks who advise you to say, yeah, don’t reveal it because this is not some larger problem. If this is something that's continuously happening, then it's a much bigger deal to be holding this issue back.

Keep Or Not To Keep

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

What keeping secrets does to you

Much of what we learn is beyond our ability to recall later. For example, how well would you do at a final exam for a class you studied a decade ago?
However, learning something the second time round is much faster.

Learning and recalling

Early theories of forgetting were based on decay. They assumed unused memories weaken over time, much like unused muscles. Another major factor in forgetting is Interference from other memories. The more memories we acquire, the more they become associated with familiar cues, making it harder to retrieve a particular memory. This is not a defect. It’s a feature. Memory is only useful if we retrieve the right memories at the right times and suppress all competing alternatives.

Why we forget

If a memory is very useful, despite hardly remembering it, the memory becomes much easier to recall. This is the basis behind the concept of desirable difficulties.  We benefit more from remembering something when the clues for bringing up the memory are weaker. That is why testing is better than re-reading for studying, and spaced practice beats cramming, and mixing problem sequences is better.

Forgetting can be good for learning

It’s common to feel that you’ve forgotten everything after years of absence from studying a topic.  However, research on memory suggests relearning tends to be much faster than initial learning.

The power of relearning

Can't remember that book you read ages ago? Your mind isn't broken. Forgetfulness is actually a powerful feature of the brain.

education

Learning & Education

scienceandnature

Science & Nature

No, You Haven't Forgotten Everything - Scott H Young

The problem of friendship is often a lack of a sense of purpose. Our attempts at friendship tend to be directionless because we collectively resist developing a clear picture of what friendship might really be for.  Yet, purpose doesn't have to ruin the friendship. On the contrary, the more we define what friendship is supposed to be, the more we can focus on what we should be doing with the people in our lives.

Discovering the purpose of friendship

<ol><li>Networking. We need collaborators who can align their abilities and energies with ours.</li><li>Reassurance. We're always on the verge of disgrace or disappointment. We need true friends to give us a necessary and accurate sense of their humiliations and insights with which we can judge ourselves and our lives more compassionately.</li><li>Fun. The pressure to guard our dignity, be serious and pass as a mature adults can become onerous. That's why we need to be silly with some friends.</li><li>Clarifying our minds. Something is wrong,  but we can't pin it down. The thinking friend assists us with knowing ourselves.</li></ol>

Four reasons for friendship

Our desire to build good and lasting friendships is often undermined by a lack of focus on what friendship should really be about. Getting clear about what friendship is for isn’t cynical; it provides the foundation for genuine bonds. If you like our films, take a look at our shop (we ship worldwide): https://goo.gl/CQTh1W Join our exclusive mailing list: http://bit.ly/2e0TQNJ Or visit us in person at our London HQ https://goo.gl/wSdLes FURTHER READING “Friendship should be one of the high points of existence, and yet it’s also the most routinely disappointing reality. Too often, you’re at supper at someone’s house: there’s an impressive spread and the hosts have evidently gone to a lot of trouble. But the conversation is meandering and devoid of real interest. It flits from an over-long description of the failings of the inflight service on a particular airline to a strangely heated discussion about the tax code. The intentions of the hosts are hugely touching, but (as so often) we go home wondering what on earth the whole performance was about…” You can read more on this and other topics on our blog TheBookofLife.org at this link: https://goo.gl/26Tzfx MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://goo.gl/ffShft Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLrelationships Do you speak a different language to English? Did you know you can submit Subtitles on all of our videos on YouTube? For instructions how to do this click here: https://goo.gl/7ZyUqT SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Rosa Fisher http://www.rosafisher.co.uk/ #TheSchoolOfLife

Our desire to build good and lasting friendships is often undermined by a lack of focus on what friendship should really be about. Getting clear about what friendship is for isn’t cynical; it provides the foundation for genuine bonds.  If you like our films, take a look at our shop (we ship worldwide): https://goo.gl/CQTh1W   
Join our exclusive mailing list: http://bit.ly/2e0TQNJ 
Or visit us in person at our London HQ https://goo.gl/wSdLes 
  

FURTHER READING
“Friendship should be one of the high points of existence, and yet it’s also the most routinely disappointing reality.
Too often, you’re at supper at someone’s house: there’s an impressive spread and the hosts have evidently gone to a lot of trouble. But the conversation is meandering and devoid of real interest. It flits from an over-long description of the failings of the inflight service on a particular airline to a strangely heated discussion about the tax code. The intentions of the hosts are hugely touching, but (as so often) we go home wondering what on earth the whole performance was about…”
You can read more on this and other topics on our blog TheBookofLife.org at this link: https://goo.gl/26Tzfx 


MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://goo.gl/ffShft 

Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist: 
http://bit.ly/TSOLrelationships

Do you speak a different language to English?  Did you know you can submit Subtitles on all of our videos on YouTube?  For instructions how to do this click here: https://goo.gl/7ZyUqT 


SOCIAL MEDIA

Feel free to follow us at the links below:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/  
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife   
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ 


CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Rosa Fisher
http://www.rosafisher.co.uk/ #TheSchoolOfLife

We're interested in self-understanding, calm and emotional maturity.

We have thousands of articles about emotional life for you on our website: www.theschooloflife.com

We offer online psychotherapy: www.theschooloflife.com/therapy

We publish one film a week, on Wednesdays at 14.00hrs GMT.

The School of Life

The Purpose of Friendship

Where would our conversations at work, networking events, or elsewhere be without small talk?Small talk inspires much more than trivial babble, often setting in motion some of our most-valued relationships.We often overlook the importance of this deeply rooted yet habitual part of our social fabric. Small talk allows us to tap into relationship dimensions of power, solidarity, formality, and function using what linguists call topic management to lead conversations toward intended outcomes, like business or networking pitches.

Creating Conversations Is how We Create Relationships

Everyone can forge mind-to-mind connections through creative, lesser-known small talk strategies and techniques from the field of linguistics to create more meaningful "small talk" that leads to rewarding "big talk."Stories can be lightning rods that supercharge our conversations, actively "syncing up" our minds so that we're not just sharing meaning with each other but human experience itself.In a world of constant connectedness, envision small talk as a spectrum where you can navigate your social and career prospects toward success

The Science of Small Talk

Ever feel like you know someone after exchanging just a few words? There’s a lot behind that phenomenon, from speech rhythms to body language and even breathing.


The secret science behind the power of small talk

If you want to best predict how you will behave, personality traits alone won’t tell you. Introverts don’t always act introverted. But how people react to particular situations is very consistent. You might be very shy around strangers but you may be very talkative around close friends.If you want to learn more about yourself, use the formula “I am… when…” and you’ll see much more reliable patterns. “I am always on time when it comes to my job” and “I am always a half hour late when I have to meet friends” will be more predictive than merely saying you’re “conscientious.”

Predicting How You Will Behave!

It’s now widely accepted that when trying to predict behaviour it’s usually more effective to look at someone’s surroundings than to ask what kind of person they are. Simply put context matters.And the biggest factor in context is usually other people. For proof, look no further than teenagers. In case you are just visiting Earth, teens tend to do what other teens around them are doing and the science totally backs this up.

We Do What We See Others Do Around Us

We’re all influenced by others, that’s obvious. But the degree to which others affect our behaviour can be hard to accept – especially in very serious areas where we’d like to think we’re in charge.If someone you consider a friend becomes obese, your likelihood of obesity increases by 53%. And if the friendship is mutual, the number rises to 171%.  And these behavioural contagion effects are seen three degrees out.

We Are Always Being Influenced

Happy friends make you 15% more likely to be happy. And, like obesity, this effect spans three degrees. Happy friends of friends increase your odds of smiling by 10% and friends of friends of friends still add 6% to your chances. With each friend boosting the likelihood of happiness by 9% and every unhappy friend reducing your odds by 7%, making friends is like card counting for happiness.

Happiness Is Contagious, So Is Sadness

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.Sometimes it’s quite deliberate but more often it’s unconscious. We’re just wired for it. This is what it means when we say humans are a social species. This tendency toward imitation underlies empathy, morality, collaboration and group formation. Example: New therapists frequently report feeling depressed after treating depressed patients. It’s human nature.

We Act Like The People Around Us, Unconsciously

Peer pressure isn’t good or bad – your peers are. If you moved your troubled teen to a new high school filled with well-behaved students, would you be hoping your child was immune to peer pressure — or very susceptible? We learn some of our best qualities by being open to the praise or criticism of those around us.

Peer Pressure: We Need Each Other to Become Ourselves

Companies now leverage our natural tendency to conform to peer pressure. Ever get that letter from the electric company informing you that your neighbours are using less electricity than you do? Those letters work. Households who received them subsequently reduced their energy usage by an average of 6.3%. Nobody wants to feel manipulated but there’s a powerful lesson here!

Manipulation Through Peer Pressure

What if you did this on your own, for yourself, in service of your goals? What if we need more peer pressure, not less? Improving yourself is hard. So instead of asking for a new brain for Christmas, it might be smarter to change your context than to directly try and change yourself. They say you are “known by the company you keep” but it’s more like you become the company you keep. We’re going to be influenced by others, so what if we deliberately choose who and how?We can call it “Strategic Peer Pressure.”

Applying Strategy

Want to be healthier? “The Longevity Project”, which studied over 1000 people from youth to death, came to the conclusion that: “The groups you associate with often determine the type of person you become. For people who want improved health, association with other healthy people is usually the strongest and most direct path of change.” And this isn’t just true for health, it’s true for almost any goal. A 1994 Harvard study titled, “Personal Accounts of Successful Versus Failed Attempts at Life Change” concluded that “…social support was strongly associated with successful change.”

The Right Association Matters

We’re never utterly autonomous. We’re social creatures. Why not leverage our fundamental nature rather than (often futilely) resist it? Sometimes we’re weak on our own but groups are strong. We need others to help us do the right thing, even with individual goals. The logical conclusion is to be a part of a group where your desired reputation aligns with who you want to be as a person.

We Are The World Around Us

Surround yourself with people you admire and striving to be liked becomes a more elegant striving to be a better you.Internalizing the lesson of strategic peer pressure can also make you a more compassionate person.Realizing that personal change comes from social change, that we are irresistibly influenced by our environment doesn’t imply superiority. We got where we are through others. And so maybe they just need help too. Your help.

Helping Each Other Rise

When you use strategic peer pressure and increase your time with those you want to be like, you must still make an effort to make good choices. Because you’re now part of that network. Your bad behaviour can influence others and reduce the overall good of the group — which will eventually circle back and reduce its positive effect on you.

Everything Is Connected

The maxim says that with others you should just “be yourself.” But is that true? Here's what science says about being your best self...

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

The Lazy Way To An Awesome Life - Barking Up The Wrong Tree

The scepticism many of us feel towards people who are only trying to make the world a better place is a known behaviour, described by psychologists as “do-gooder derogation”. And while the phenomenon may seem to be wholly irrational, there are some compelling evolutionary reasons for being wary of unreciprocated altruism.With an understanding of our innate suspicion around overt acts of kindness, we can identify the specific situations in which generosity is welcomed and when it is resented – with some important lessons for our own behaviour.

Hating Good And Morally Upright People

Recent behavioural studies show that selfishness and selflessness are considered to be morally equivalent by a lot of people.Strikingly, this tendency seems to emerge early in life – at around the age of eight. And while the size of the effect may vary depending on the context, it seems to be present to some degree in most cultures – suggesting it may be a universal tendency.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

To understand the origins of this seemingly irrational behaviour, we need to consider how human altruism emerged in the first place.According to evolutionary psychology, hardwired human behaviours should have evolved to improve our survival and our ability to pass on our genes to another generation. In the case of altruism, generous acts could help us to foster good relationships within the group which, over time, help to build social capital and status.

Reciprocity and Reputation 

Reputation is “positional” – if one person rises, the others fall. This can create a strong sense of competition, which means that we’re always alert to the possibility that other people are getting ahead of us, even if they are achieving their status through altruism. We’ll be especially resentful if we think that the other person was only looking for those reputational benefits, rather than acting out of a genuine interest in others, since it may suggest a cunning and manipulative personality more generally.

If A Person Rises, Others Must Fall

Altruistic behaviour can make us walk a metaphorical tightrope. We need to balance our generosity perfectly, so that we are seen as cooperative and good, without arousing the suspicion that we are acting solely for the status.If there’s no good evidence to suggest that their acts of generosity are self-serving, we may choose to give them the benefit of the doubt, knowing that our uncharitable intuitions may be fuelled by our own fears of losing status.

The Rules Of Life

Ultimately, the only fool-proof way to avoid do-gooder derogation may be to do your best deeds in complete secret. And if others happen to discover the truth, despite your attempts to hide it – well, the good reputation that follows is simply a bonus.

Hide The Good Deeds!

People tend to hate the goody-good and kind people!

‘Do-gooders’ are often judged harshly. Why do we resent their acts of altruism or question their motives?

artsandculture

Society, Arts & Culture

Why overly kind and moral people can rub you up the wrong way

Moving forward can understandably feel difficult. The only person who can decide if moving forward is in your best interest is you. Ask yourself these questions:“Did this person deliberately betray my trust?”“Did this person admit their mistake, or did I find out from someone else?”“Is the indiscretion in question unforgivable?”Your answers to these questions will determine your path forward.

Ask Yourself First

If you’ve decided to work toward forgiving the person who wronged you, understand that forgiveness comes from within. People make mistakes. While we’re all human, that mantra in and of itself does not mean they deserve a second chance.Consider if this person has betrayed your trust before. Has this become an alarming pattern of behaviour, or is this the first time in your relationship that they’ve broken your trust?Once you consider the context of the indiscretion in question, you can make an evidence-based decision that you have full confidence in.

Only You Can Choose to Forgive and Move Forward

While we should all always put ourselves first, oftentimes after being hurt by someone we love or care about, only then do we come to realize we have been putting the needs of others before our own. Take this time of clarity to mend the most important relationship of all: the relationship you have with yourself.Recognize the insecurities you may have struggled with and ignored in order to focus on another person. Work through those insecurities.

Put Yourself First

It’s important to communicate what expectations you have of your relationships with others.For anyone who has broken your trust, communicate what your expectations are of them moving forward. Let them know your trust in them is broken and that you need time to heal. Explain what they did to break your trust and what they can do to regain it.When you communicate your expectations with others and they fail to meet those expectations, you have the answer you need.

Communicate Your Expectations

Setting boundaries is important with any relationship, including your relationship with yourself. Communicate your boundaries with the person who has broken your trust. Let them know the behaviours you will not tolerate, like lying or not telling the complete truth. Then, hold yourself accountable to stick to those boundaries that you set.Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by the person and end up in an endless cycle of forgiving the same indiscretions over and over again. Once you decide upon your boundaries, stick to them.

Set Clear Boundaries

Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you just need to “get over it.” Those people do not have your best interest at heart, or they are not sure how to build good boundaries in their own lives.Take all of the time you need to rebuild your trust, either with that person or with people overall moving forward. You may need more time to come to terms with their pain, and that’s okay.Communicate with the specific person and anyone in the future that they need to respect your space and allow you the time to work through rebuilding trust. The right people will respect that.

Realize That Rebuilding Trust Takes Time

Communicating your triggers will help you to become more comfortable with the uncomfortable and help you along your journey to healing with any future relationships you might have.Even if the person did nothing wrong per se, communicating with them that what they said or did was upsetting for you will help the two of you work toward more open and honest communication and avoid future missteps. And they will know why you may have reacted the way you did and how to remain true to themselves while also avoiding the words or actions that you’d like for them to avoid in the future.

Recognize Your Triggers and Be Honest About Them

Talk therapy, also known as <a href="https://www.lifehack.org/437604/cognitive-behavioral-therapies-for-anxiety-disorders">Cognitive Behavioral Therapy</a> (CBT), can provide you with actionable solutions to address the root cause of the lack of trust you have in others. Speaking to a professional can help you on your journey as you begin to heal from the trauma of being hurt by someone you love or care about.

Speak to a Licensed Therapist

When you’re learning to trust people again, you may be very hesitant and at times overly cautious. While it can be easy to listen to the words of others and trust that they’ve changed and that they won’t hurt you the same way again, watch their actions for change.Are they sliding back into their old habits? Are they listening to you when you communicate your triggers with them? People’s actions will tell you everything you need to know about trusting them. Believe them.

People’s Actions Will Tell You What You Need to Know

Many people will tell you that starting fresh means starting over and that you should forgive and forget. However, no one but you will understand the journey you’re going on to trust people again.Starting fresh can look like many different scenarios: cutting off certain people in your life even if just for a time, forgiving the person who wronged you while moving forward with clear and established boundaries, or a combination of the two. All are completely valid paths to starting over with a clean slate.

Commit to Starting Fresh, Whatever That Looks Like for You

Wondering how you can learn to trust people again after you've been hurt in the past? These helpful tips will show you how to heal and grow.

How To Trust People Again If You've Been Hurt

Forgiveness is often viewed as the “happily ever after” ending in a story of wrongdoing or injustice. Someone enacts harm, the typical arc goes, but eventually sees the error of their ways and offers a heartfelt apology. “Can you ever forgive me?” Then you, the hurt person, are faced with a choice: Show them mercy — granting yourself peace in the process — or hold a grudge forever. The choice is yours.It’s reasonable to expect an apology when you’re the one who has been hurt or betrayed. But that’s not how it works in practice.

Forgiveness

<ul><li> How do you forgive someone who isn’t all that sorry, or who you can’t actually engage with?</li><li>Forgiveness exists separately from reconciliation, and also from accountability — which is why forgiving someone doesn’t require an apology or even their participation. </li><li>Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy between two or more people trying to make their way back together to mutual trust.</li></ul>

Forgiving Someone Who Isn't Sorry

Forgiveness might be a step on the path to reconciliation, but you don’t have to traverse the full route if you’d prefer not to.While forgiveness is separate from accountability, it’s not at odds with seeking justice. Many people think it’s either/or, rather than both. Forgiving someone can help you take a more clear-eyed approach to justice because you’re no longer seething with rage.

Expand Your View of What Forgiveness Is

<ul><li>Forgiveness does not require you to pretend the hurt didn't happen.</li><li>Forgiveness doesn't have to exist anywhere outside of you.</li><li>You are the one who was wronged, so why do you have to now give them something?</li><li>Once you remove reconciliation as a goal, it's easier to see how forgiveness will benefit you as much as - if not more than - the other person.</li></ul>

Think of Forgiveness as Something You’re Doing Primarily for Yourself

Being willing to let go of the anger and hurt can be one of the hardest aspects of forgiving someone, especially someone who isn’t sorry or who hasn’t apologized. In these instances, it can sometimes feel like your wound is all you have: It serves as proof that an awful thing happened to you and really was as terrible as it felt. Forgiving someone, then, can feel like you’re capitulating — like you’re acquiescing to their view of events when you know in your heart they did something wrong.

Don’t Let Fear of “losing” Stand in The Way of Forgiving Someone

<ul><li>Hang on to anger for a short time because it shows you're a person of worth and dignity, and no one should treat you this way</li><li>Over time, it brings us down with fatigue, rumination, and becoming far more pessimistic in life.</li></ul>

Witness The Anger

The person who has been treated unfairly focuses on the effects of the injustice in their life. These effects might be things like monetary costs, lost time, ongoing anxiety, depression, anger, sleep problems, or a more pessimistic worldview. In a lot of instances, people don’t even realize how much the injustice is still impacting their life.In this stage, you’re also asked to think about what solutions you’ve already tried for these problems and the extent to which they’ve led to meaningful improvements or change.

The Uncovering Phase

Researchers have led to the development of a step-by-step process for forgiveness, which can happen in therapy (ideally with someone who is trained in forgiveness therapy), or through a self-guided process using a workbook.There are four major phases of forgiveness: uncovering, decision, work, discovery, and forgiveness.

There’s Real Work Involved in Forgiving, and It Takes Time

This is where you’ll determine whether you want to try to forgive the person who hurt you. And the answer might be no! Maybe it’s too soon and the pain is too fresh, or you just know you’re not ready to let go of the anger. That’s okay; this is a process you can always return to, and, eventually, you might find that you want to forgive.

The Decision Phase

At this point, you’ll aim to broaden your narrative about the other person and develop empathy for them. So you might think about how they were raised, what difficult things happened in their life that led them to this point, and the ways in which that person is vulnerable. You start telling that story to yourself, over and over, we see a little bit of empathy, a little tiny bit of compassion, a little bit of softening of the heart. That takes time, and definitely can’t be engineered through therapy; it has to emerge.

The Work Phase

<ul><li>One way to do this is to think of your pain on a scale of 1–10, and to visualize that amount of pain in a heavy sack that you are holding on your back. </li><li>Acknowledge that it’s there, be aware of it, and stay with it. </li><li>Don’t try to run away from it. Don’t try to take anything out of it. Just let it be. What we find is, that when people do that, that sack tends to shrink. </li><li>This part of the process can also help you rebuild self-esteem because it’s a reminder of what you’re capable of.</li></ul>

Work Phase: Standing In The Pain

This is when you’ll reflect on the meaning you’ve found in your life from this experience. What we tend to find a lot of times is people become much more attuned to the wounds within other people. You may realize that you’ve become more patient with strangers, or less judgmental of coworkers or friends because you have a newfound understanding of how they might also be struggling.Going through this might also have made you feel more connected to other people, as you realize you’re not alone in the injustice you suffered.

The Discovery Phase

Being ready to forgive someone who hurt you takes time, as does the work of forgiving them. It’s impossible to know when — or if — you’ll ever be ready. If now doesn’t seem to be the time, that’s okay. We’re in relationships with many people over the course of a whole lifetime. Things can shift in surprising and sometimes dramatic ways just with the passage of time.

The Act Of Forgiveness

Some people will never admit wrongdoing. It’s still possible for you to move forward.

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