There is a difference between listening to speak, and listening to understand. Most people like to talk about themselves, and so most people listen to interject.

Most People Don't Listen To Others

That attending skills help your conversation partner feel understood and heard. These include:- Eye contact for empathy - Minimal responses for encouragement (ie. "mm" "yeah" "whoa" etc.) - Tone of voice (ie. soft, concerned, etc.)- Appropriate body language (leaning forward, facial expressions, not fidgeting excessively, etc.)- Prompts to continue ("How so?" "How did that make you feel?" "How did you respond?) From McLeod & McLead, 2011: Counselling Skills: A practical guide for counsellors and helping professionals

The Counselling Science Says...

Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising, or showing how it should be done... listening is about the experience of being experienced

There's a tricky sweet spot to find because not enough eye contact can be invalidating (think of a time you were telling a story and no one was listening), but TOO much eye contact can be overwhelming and can create shame.From Geldard et al., 2016: Basic Personal Counselling: A training manual for counsellors

Eye Contact

In therapy, therapists use a skill called paraphrasing to condense a story into a sentence (like a blurb for a book) for a few reasons:- To better help the client reflect- To help organise thoughts- To show the client they have been heard- To allow the client to correct any misunderstandingsBut good paraphrasing is never just regurgitating what you've heard using the same words, it's finding the underlying issue and using your own words. This helps the person not only feel heard, but understood.From Geldard et al., 2016: Basic Personal Counselling: A training manual for counsellors

Paraphrasing

The science shows that non-verbal behaviours can connect therapists and clients and build a close relationship as well as decrease malpractice complaints. This shows the importance of active listening with the body. "Trunk lean" can also be used to show interest and make people feel engaged. Trunk lean is moving your body forward, not sitting back. From Dowell & Berman, 2013: Therapists Non-verbal Behaviour and Perceptions of Empathy, Alliance, and Treatment Credibility

Body Language

True empathy is always free of any evaluative or diagnostic quality. This comes across to the recipient with some surprise. "If I am not being judged, perhaps I am not so evil or abnormal as I have thought"

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! How to listen using skills therapists use

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