Many of our habits don't serve us very well. Most of them were set in place a long time ago, in response to what we were facing, or simply as a result of the brain's tendency to go for what feels easy or enjoyable in the moment. .

Many Habits Don't Serve Us Well

So much of our lives are lived on autopilot. Sure, there are moments when we consciously pay attention to what we're doing. But paying attention expends mental energy and is tiring for the brain. Sooner or later, we revert back to what comes habitually to us—because habits don't require any mental exertion at all.

Habits Don't Require Mental Exertion

If we want to take greater charge of our lives, we need to reverse-engineer our habits. Instead of letting the unconscious decide our future, we need to reflect on what we want, then consciously create powerful habits that lead to this desired future.

Reverse-engineer Your Habits

Since this process does take mental energy initially, here are five research-backed hacks you can use to make your brain work for you—rather than opting for the easy way out.<ol><li>Take Changes One at a Time</li><li>Consistency Is Key</li><li>Cues And Rewads</li><li>Make It Difficult</li><li>Whypower vs. Willpower</li></ol>

5 Research Backed Hacks To Create New Habits

When we set out to bring positive change often try to change everything at once. But we know from Roy Baumeister's research<a href="https://faculty.washington.edu/jdb/345/345%20Articles/Baumeister%20et%20al.%20(1998).pdf"> </a>that willpower is a depleting resource . That's why Pick the habit that's causing you the most misery, or the one that’s the greatest obstacle to your growth. Or, if you’re a first-timer in building habits, choose one that you're ready to change—but just one. You're not trying to prove yourself to anyone. Then move on to the next hack.

Take Changes One at a Time

Next promise yourself that you'll be consistent with the change<a href="https://www.happify.com/hd/the-one-thing-you-may-not-know-about-change"> </a>. Christine Carter, Ph.D. says that you may want to have a BTN (Best to Nothing) for your habit. A BTN is a mini version of the habit that you’ll still engage in even if circumstances beyond your control prevent you from doing the full thing. For example, if your habit is a 30-minute workout every day before work, but unexpected events happen you still need to do your BTN—in this case, maybe it’s 50 jumping jacks, or running up and down the stairs a few times—so your brain still knows that exercise happens before work.

Consistency Is Key

Think of habits like creating footprints on dewy grass. The more consistently you walk in the same footsteps, the more visible they'll become.

Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit , has found that habit formation follows three key steps. <ol><li>First there's the cue that reminds you of the habit. </li><li>Then there's the positive habit that typically replaces a negative one. </li><li>And finally, there's the reward that signals to your brain that it was an enjoyable process and that you'd want to do it again. </li></ol>For example place your floss beside your toothpaste (cue), then floss after brushing (habit), and finally, rinse with your favorite minty-fresh mouthwash (reward). Skip any of these steps, and your habit formation is a long and painful ride!

Cues And Rewads

Now that you’re immersed in your new habit, use your environment to your advantage. Changing a habit is difficult for the simple reason that it happens outside of conscious awareness. You can make the process easier for yourself by making it difficult to engage in a bad habit you’re trying to let go of. For example, if you’re trying to stop eating unhealthy snacks, remove them from your kitchen completely or replace them with healthy alternatives.

Make It Difficult

Despite all the hacks above, there may be days when you really are drained and have no energy to work on your new habit. No reason to lose heart! You can tap into a higher source of energy that bypasses willpower—your why power. Unlike willpower, whypower connects you to the bigger reason you want to change your habit. For example, the difference it'll make to those you care about, or the benefits it'll have on others or perhaps the world in some way.

Whypower vs. Willpower

Remember, you will engage in habits regardless. So why not engage in positive ones that help you pursue a well-lived life? These habits will free up your mental energy to be present with the people around you and the things that matter to you

Conclusion

Positive habits help us live life on our terms. Here are 5 hacks that can help you create those habits.

mindfulness

Mindfulness

problemsolving

Problem Solving

meditation

Meditation

5 Hacks to Create Powerful Habits

The answers might surprise you.There are 6 groups of people with whom we spend time. (But the proportions shift dramatically as we age.)Here are 6 ways to minimize regret (and make the most of your 90 years).

Who do we spend the most time with in life?

This decreases sharply after the age 20.Takeaways:<ul><li>Try to live close to the people you love. If you can’t, then try to cherish your moments together.</li><li>When apart, call them and say all the things that you’ll wish you told them more.</li></ul>If you only see your parents once a year (and they’re in their 60s)... you might only see them 30 more times. Ever.

1. TIME WITH PARENTS

Relatively, you get the least time with friends.Takeaways:<ul><li>Choose your friends wisely. You can only keep a few.</li><li>Make sure they bring out the best version of you.</li></ul>

2. TIME WITH FRIENDS

Between the ages of 20-56, your time with coworkers spikes tremendously. Takeaways:<ul><li>Don’t settle for a job you dislike. Try to “build a life that you don’t need a vacation from.”</li></ul>Set healthy boundaries with your time.

3. TIME WITH COWORKERS

This continually trends upward, peaking after age 58.Takeaways:<ul><li>“Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.” — H. Jackson Brown, Jr.</li></ul>Find the person who keeps bettering themselves and growing with you.

4. TIME WITH A PARTNER

This peaks while your kids are young, and then sharply declines.Takeaways:<ul><li>Try to be present for those first 18 years. (You may regret it later if you’re not.)</li><li>Whenever you feel frustrated with your kids, imagine a future when they’re grown and you don’t get to see them often. I call this the “Back-In-Time Method”</li></ul>

5. TIME WITH CHILDREN

After 40, people spend an increasing amount of time alone.Takeaways:<ul><li>No surprise— you’ll spend the most time during your life solo. This becomes especially true after age 40.</li><li>Invest in self awareness and growth until you love your own company. Mindfulness helps with this btw.</li></ul>

6. TIME ALONE

Ask yourself two things:1) Who are they?2) Can you spend more time with them this year?When you look back at age 90, you’ll be so glad you did.

20% of the people in your life bring you 80% of your happiness.

Remember— these are just the average trends.There’s nothing more powerful than realizing… you can change this graph at any moment.

You Can Change Your Graphs

remotework

Remote Work

career

Career

books

Books

humanresources

Human Resources

RICH IN QUALITY TIME

Accepting our mortality helps us let go of busyness and focus on what’s most important to us in order to live a happier, more meaningful life. The average human lifespan is absurdly, terrifyingly finite. If you’re lucky and you live to 80, you will have lived about 4,000 weeks. This truth, which most of us ignore most of the time, is something to wrestle with if we want to spend our limited time on this earth well.

We Only Have 4000weeks

The modern discipline of time management (or productivity) is depressingly narrow-minded. It ignores the fact that the world is bursting with wonder — and that experiencing more of that wonder may come at the cost of productivity. When we recognize the shortness of life — and accept the fact that some things have to be left unaccomplished, whether we like it or not — we are freer to focus on what matters. Rather than succumbing to the mentality of “better, faster, more,” we can embrace being imperfect, and be happier for it.

Experiencing Wonders May Come At The Cost Of Productivity 

1. Adopt a “fixed volume” approach to productivity2. Serialize3. Decide in advance what to fail at4. Focus on what you’ve already completed, not just what’s left to do5. Consolidate your caring6. Embrace boring and single-purpose technology7. Seek out novelty in the mundane8. Be a researcher in relationships9. Cultivate instantaneous generosity10. Practice doing nothing

10 suggestions about how to live with your limited time in mind

We all need to make tough choices about what we can realistically get done, so that we can prioritize the activities that matter most, instead of reacting to a constant barrage of demands.One way is to keep 2 to-do lists — one for everything on your plate, and one for the 10 or fewer things that you’re currently working on. The rule is not to move any further items from the first list onto the second until you’ve freed up a slot by finishing one of the 10 items.A related strategy is to set a pre-established time boundary for certain types of daily work and to make sure you stop when time’s up.

1. Adopt a “fixed volume” approach to productivity

Focus only on one big project at a time. Though it’s alluring to try to alleviate the anxiety of having too many responsibilities or ambitions by getting started on them all at once, you’ll make little progress that way. Multitasking rarely works well — and you’ll soon find that serializing helps you to complete more projects anyway, thereby helping relieve your anxiety.

2. Serialize

You’ll inevitably underachieve at something, simply because your time and energy are finite. But strategic underachievement — nominating in advance the areas of your life in which you won’t expect excellence — helps you focus your time and energy more effectively.To live this way is to replace the high-pressure quest for work-life balance with something more reasonable — a deliberate kind of imbalance.

3. Decide in advance what to fail at

Since the quest to get everything done is interminable by definition, it’s easy to grow despondent and self-reproachful when you can’t get through your whole to-do list. One counter-strategy is to keep a “done list,” which starts empty first thing in the morning, but which you can gradually fill in throughout the day as you get things done. It’s a cheering reminder that you could have spent the day doing nothing remotely constructive … yet you didn’t.

4. Focus on what you’ve already completed, not just what’s left 

Social media is a giant machine for getting you to spend your time caring about the wrong things — and too many of them at once. We’re exposed to an unending stream of atrocities and injustices, each of which might have a legitimate claim on our time and our charitable donations, but which add up to something no human could ever effectively address comprehensively.Once you grasp that fact fully, it’s good to consciously pick your battles in charity, activism, and politics — and devote your spare time only to those specific causes. Focus your capacity for care, so you don’t burn out.

5. Consolidate your caring

Digital distractions allow us to escape to a realm where painful human limitations don’t seem to apply — scrolling idly around online, you need never feel bored or constrained in your freedom of action, which isn’t the case when it comes to doing work that matters.Combat this by making your devices as boring as possible, removing social media apps, email,... It’s also helpful to choose devices with only one purpose, such as the Kindle reader. Otherwise, temptations will be only a swipe away, and you’ll feel the urge to check your screens anytime you’re bored or facing a challenge in your work.

6. Embrace boring and single-purpose technology

Time seems to speed up as we age, likely because our brains encode the passage of years based on how much information we process in any given interval. While children have many novel experiences and time therefore seems slower to them, the routinization of older people’s lives means that time seems to pass at an ever-increasing rate.The standard advice is to combat this by cramming more novel experiences into your life, but it’s not always practical.An alternative is to pay more attention to every moment, however mundane — to find novelty by plunging more deeply into your present life.

7. Seek out novelty in the mundane

The desire to feel in control of our limited time causes numerous problems in relationships, resulting not only in controlling behavior, but also the inability to listen, boredom, and missing out on the richness of experiences with others.When faced with a challenging or boring moment, try being curious about the person you’re with, rather than controlling. Curiosity is a stance well-suited to the inherent unpredictability of life with others, because it can be satisfied by their behaving in ways you like or dislike — whereas if you demand a certain result instead, you’ll often be frustrated.

8. Be a researcher in relationships

Whenever a generous impulse arises in your mind, give in to it right away rather than putting it off. Don’t wait to figure out if the recipient deserves your generosity or if you really have the time to be generous right now (with all of the work you have left to do!). Just do it. The rewards are immediate, too, because generous action reliably makes you feel much happier.

9. Cultivate instantaneous generosity

The capacity to do nothing is indispensable, because if you can’t bear the discomfort of not acting, you’re far more likely to make poor choices with your time, e.g. hurrying activities that can’t be rushed or feeling you ought to being “productive,” regardless if the tasks in question really matter.Doing nothing means resisting the urge to manipulate your experience or the people and things in the world around you, and to let things be as they are. By increasing your ability to do nothing, you will gradually regain your autonomy and make better choices with your brief allotment of life.

10. Practice doing nothing

productivity

Productivity

habits

Habits

timemanagement

Time Management

10 ways to get the most out of your time on this planet

They will help you move from a fear-based mindset to a confidence mindset.<ol><li>Shift your expectations from idealistic to realistic</li><li>Shift your judgments from moral to mechanical</li><li>Shift your criticism from people to actions</li><li>Shift your focus from thoughts and feelings to behavior</li></ol>

Use these 4 mindset shifts to boost your confidence

Expectations themselves aren’t a problem. The problem is that we rarely examine or update our expectations…Unrealistic expectations actually fragelize you and how lowering your expectations can surprisingly lead to more confidence and peace of mind.So, anytime you find yourself getting frustrated or resentful, use it as a cue to check in on your expectations, and if at all possible, update them to be more realistic.

Shift your expectations from idealistic to realistic

Make it a practice to judge persons and things in the most favorable light at all times and under all circumstances.When you’re in the habit of judging things—including yourself—in moral terms (right vs wrong, good vs bad), it’s easy to end up moralizing about things that aren’t actually moral. This results in an extra layer of guilt or shame that’s both unnecessary and confidence-killingThere’s a time and place for moral judgments. But if you want to feel more confident and resilient, be careful not to moralize things that aren’t actually moral.

Shift your judgments from moral to mechanical

There’s a time and place for moral judgments. But if you want to feel more confident and resilient, be careful not to moralize things that aren’t actually moral.

Like expectations, criticisms are not necessarily bad. In fact, we all need to be critical in order to grow, improve, and be better—both for ourselves and the people we care most about.But criticisms are dangerous because they easily slip from healthy and productive to unhealthy and hurtful. Be careful with criticism, including self-criticism. One simple way to distinguish whether your criticism might be helpful vs unhelpful is whether you’re criticizing a specific behavior or action vs an entire person. In other words, don’t overgeneralize with your criticisms.

Shift your criticism from people to actions

Here’s a counter-intuitive idea about dealing with fears and insecurities and building confidence:The solution to internal problems is usually behavior change. While it’s good to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, and to periodically reflect on them, most people who are anxious and insecure spend WAY too much time thinking about how to feel better and far too little time doing confidence-building things despite how they feel.<ul><li>Instead of: “If only I felt X, I could do Y.”</li><li>Try this: “I can do Y despite not feeling X.”</li></ul>

Shift your focus from thoughts and feelings to behavior

<ul><li>It’s very difficult to think your way out of worry and anxiety… analyzing your worries usually just leads to more worry, and as a result, more anxiety and insecurity. </li><li>If you’re racked with imposter syndrome, you can tell yourself that you’re smart and capable until you’re blue in the face, but it’s unlikely to change how you feel. </li><li>If you constantly feel anxious around other people, you can analyze your past and how terrible it was that your parents didn’t love you enough, but that’s not going to make your social anxiety go away. </li> </ul>

From “If only I felt X, I could do Y.”

On the other hand, when you commit to make small, but meaningful changes in your behavior despite how you think and feel, good things tend to happen:<ul><li>When you commit to going to the gym despite worrying about what other people will think of you, you’ll find yourself feeling more confident the next time.</li><li>When you commit to attending small social events despite feeling nervous, you give your brain a chance to learn that maybe you’re not quite as socially awkward as you keep telling yourself—and as a result, get a little more confident.</li></ul>

To “I can do Y despite not feeling X.”

A mindset is like your default way of thinking about things. Mindset work is key to nearly every aspect of our emotional health and wellbeing, but it’s especially helpful if you struggle with anxiety and self-doubt and want to become more confident.

Mindset Work Helps To Become More Confident

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

mentalhealth

Mental Health

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

4 Mindset Shifts That Will Boost Your Confidence - Nick Wignall

Here are one psychologist’s 5 favorite stress management tips that you probably don’t want to hear<ol><li>Exercise Regularly</li><li>Spend more time with supportive people</li><li>Lower your expectations of other people</li><li>Make time to worry on purpose</li><li>Find a different job or career</li></ol>

5 Stress Management Tips

Your brain is part of your body. And if you’re not taking care of your body, how can you expect your brain to function well and be resilient to stress? I know consistent exercise is tough for all sorts of very legitimate reasons. But that doesn’t make it any less important.If you’re chronically stressed and not consistently exercising, just stop reading right here and start make a plan to make this happen. Even 20 minutes a day of brisk walking is an excellent start and will make a dramatic difference in your stress levels.

1. Exercise Regularly

If you’re stressed, there’s a good chance that stress involves other people—conflict with a spouse or family member, worry about coworkers or bosses, etc. What people seem less aware of is that other people can also be one of the biggest sources of stress relief and resilience. Specifically… Spending consistent, quality time with people who are genuinely supportive helps you stay resilient in the face of stressors and difficulty. Now, like exercise, this takes some work and requires tradeoffs… If you want to make more time for spending it with supportive people, you’re going to have to say no to other things and protect that time. And if you don’t have supportive people in your life, that means doing some serious work to find and foster those types of relationships.

2. Spend more time with supportive people

It seems like a law of human nature that, left unchecked, our expectations of people only increase with time—especially the people closest to us.It also seems like a law of human nature that we strongly resist examining our expectations of other people, much less—God forbid!—actually lowering them.Unrealistic expectations are not inevitable. Start here: Pick one important relationship in your life and do an expectation audit. Sit down with a cup of coffee and pen and paper and start writing down all the expectations you have of them.

3. Lower your expectations of other people

Most people who are chronically stressed are also chronically worried. I mean, why wouldn’t you be stressed all the time if you’re constantly catastrophizing, playing out terrible outcomes in your mind, and imagining the worst? Unfortunately, you can’t just tell your brain to stop worrying—this usually just leads to even more worry and stress! And that’s because worry is a habit. Which means that if you want to do less of it, you have to train yourself to worry less. The best way I’ve found to re-train your mind out of chronic worry is a technique called scheduled worry. By deliberately making time to worry on purpose each day for a limited amount of time, you train your brain to let go of worries at other times throughout the day.

4. Make time to worry on purpose

Everyone wants to believe that if they just put on a happy face and do some positive self-talk each morning, or do some bubble bath self-care, all their stress is going to magically melt away.If you’re stressed out all the time it’s likely because the structure of your life is literally stress-inducing. And very often it’s the structure of your work life that’s the main culprit (marriages are a close second).So, difficult as it may be, you’re doing yourself a disservice if you’re not seriously considering and making concrete plans for how to leave an unhealthy job or career

5. Find a different job or career

health

Health

5 Stress Management Tips Nobody Wants to Hear - Nick Wignall

Whether you are craving salty chips, sweet gummies, or something else, your desire for that specific flavor or food is likely triggered by either a physical or an emotional factor. Knowing what is causing your craving can empower you to know what to do about them. Ahead, five types of food cravings and what exactly they may be telling you.

What Is Food Craving?

If your inner chocoholic is paying you a visit, your body could be in need of a mood boost.  Since chocolate consumption is linked to <a href="https://pubs.acs.org/doi/full/10.1021/pr900607v">improved feelings of calmness and contentment </a>, that chocolate craving can mean so much more than just needing something sweet.  If you are a female, craving chocolate may also be a sign that you are close to getting your period. Changes in hormones during the premenstrual phase can trigger <a href="https://cpb-us-w2.wpmucdn.com/web.sas.upenn.edu/dist/7/206/files/2016/09/ChocCraveMenopause_App_2009-280jt6p.pdf">blood sugars to dip </a>, resulting in certain cravings. A chocolate craving can simply mean you are close to that time of the month.

Why Chocolate Craving?

While chocolate does offer some nutritional benefit — like being a natural source of magnesium — certain varieties can be loaded with sugar. When tackling the chocolate attack, choose a small serving of dark chocolate or add some natural cacao powder to your smoothie instead of downing a king-size candy bar.

Solution To Chocolate Craving

According to data published in the journal <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8697046/">Obesity Research </a>, larger amounts of carbohydrates consumed is linked to higher levels of serotonin (the happy, feel-good hormone). In other words, your body may need that serotonin boost and knows it will happen after you enjoy that extra-large soft pretzel, loaf of bread or an endless bowl of pasta.

Why Carbohydrate Craving?

If you find yourself craving carbs more often than normal, ask yourself how you are feeling emotionally. What you may actually be craving is a mood boost, which can be accomplished in a healthy way with a sweaty exercise sesh or a chat with a good friend.

Solution To Carbohydrate Craving?

If you have a “salt tooth” instead of a “sugar tooth,” you may be <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3966472/">suffering from an iron deficiency </a>. Iron is an important mineral that plays a role in blood cell production and other important bodily functions. Having a deficiency means that you don’t have enough iron in your body, and you can feel tired and weak. Another cause of salt cravings is good old fashioned dehydration. When you crave salt, your body may be telling you that it needs to restore balance and replenish electrolytes.

Why Salt Craving?

The first step to learning whether you have an iron deficiency is to have your health care provider check your levels. Before you reach for the salt shaker, hydrate yourself first to see if that tames the craving.

Solution To Salt Craving

Sugar cravings are quite common and can strike at any time of the day. If you find yourself reaching for the candy drawer more frequently, it may mean that you are <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24879886/">tired, stressed, or hungry </a>. Essentially, your body is craving sugar for the energy boost.

Why Sugar Craving?

Before you down that box of gummy snacks, recognize if you skipped breakfast this morning, didn’t sleep well, or are experiencing stress in your life. If you say yes to any of these questions, your sugar craving may be telling you that you need to tackle one (or more) of these factors. Go to bed a bit early, have a healthy snack, or incorporate some yoga into your daily life. Your body will thank you for it.

Solution To Sugar Craving

Whether it is melted on a slice of pizza or enjoyed on top of a cracker, cheese is a commonly craved food for many.   If you are craving that ooey goodness, your body may simply be craving some comfort. Since dishes like mac and cheese and grilled cheese are the ultimate comfort food, you may associate the “warm and fuzzies” with these goodies.

Why Cheese Craving?

Cheese and comfort go beyond nostalgic reasons. All varieties contain the amino acid tryptophan, which aids in the production of melatonin and serotonin to help us feel more relaxed or sleepy. A <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4728667/">study </a>published in 2016 brought to the forefront that lower levels of tryptophan were linked to a depressed state. So, a boost of tryptophan may mean a more relaxed and better rested self!

Solution To Cheese Craving

Cravings can come out of left field. Some are completely random, and others can be a great indicator of bigger things going on in your body. Understanding why you are craving foods can help you navigate your health more mindfully.

Learn From Your Cravings To Improve Your Health

Food cravings can appear when you least expect them. But, the types of food cravings you may have may be telling you something.

food

Food

exerciseandfitness

Exercise & Fitness

5 Types of Food Cravings Decoded By an RD

The common way to talk about happiness is as a single scale: unhappy at one end, neutral in the middle, happy at the other end.That model is wrong.Instead, happiness and unhappiness are two separate, independent scales.A good life requires tackling each one separately.

Happiness and unhappiness are two separate, independent variable

This dramatically changes how you deal with various life-problems. If someone (including yourself) is struggling with low well-being, it's important to ascertain which of two problems are happening: <ul><li>not enough happiness </li><li>too much unhappiness </li> </ul>

Not Enough Happiness Vs Too Much Unhappiness

If someone has a lot of unhappiness, they need to get rid of some negative influence in their life. If they don't have enough happiness, they need to add something positive to their life.

Get Rid Of Unhappy InfluencesAdd Positive Things

First, you can have any combination of happiness and unhappiness. For example, you can be very happy and very unhappy at once (e.g. for people who are running stressful but autonomous projects)Equally, you can feel not-at-all-happy but also not-at-all-unhappy. It's a strange kind of feeling, and very distinct from (say) "moderately happy and also slightly unhappy", or "very happy and also very unhappy (this is called anhedonia

Any Combination Of (Un)happiness Exists

Second, a lot of the best changes in your life can end up feeling weirdly neutral in the longer-term: they get rid of something really negative, but the lack-of-negative doesn't actually create a positive, and over time you forget what it was like to live with the negative every day. Removing unhappiness doesn't actually increase happiness, it just.... removes unhappiness, which is good but unrelated.

Removing Unhappiness Doesn't Add Happiness

The common way to talk about happiness is as a single scale: unhappy at one end, neutral in the middle, happy at the other end. I think that model is wrong.

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

Happiness Is Two Scales

Left unchecked, comparison can make you miserable. Seeing people be better at something than you are can feel like a vicious uprooting. But with the right tools, you can use your envy to uncover what you value.

Unchecked Comparison Makes You Miserable

Here’s how to take your envy, decode it and turn it into positive action: <ol><li>Listen to your strongest triggers</li><li>Make sure your envy doesn’t become malicious</li><li>Pick a broader baseline</li><li>Compare the nitty-gritty</li><li>Compare present you against past you</li></ol>

5 Ways To Turn Unchecked Comparison Into Action

Comparison can teach you what you value when you see yourself envying someone doing something you want, even if you haven’t consciously allowed yourself to want it.Self-awareness can help you turn your feelings into something useful, so the next time envy rears its head, ask yourself: <ul><li class="ql-align-justify">What do they have that makes me feel less than?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">What void do I believe having it would fill?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Do I really want what they have?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">If yes, how much, and is it worth taking action to try to get it for myself?</li></ul>The more specific your answers, the better you’ll be able to redirect your emotion into actions and strategies.

Listen To Your Strongest Triggers

Comparison-induced envy can be a great motivator and guide. It can also make us bitter. Psychologists distinguish between benign envy, when we admire someone and try to emulate them, and malicious envy, when we dislike the other person for having what we want. It’s the difference between “They have a penthouse apartment, and it’s cool how they got it” and “I hate that their home has panoramic views, and I want them to suffer.” To be clear: Both are painful. Benign envy motivates us to work harder to improve, while malicious envy makes us nasty. We often feel malicious envy when we perceive scarcity. But in many cases, another person’s ability to achieve something is evidence that it’s possible for us, too.

To shift your thinking from malicious to benign envy, try these phrases:
• “I’m inspired by _____. Maybe I can learn from them, or ask them to be my mentor.”
• “I haven’t done what they’ve done . . . yet.”
• “Every person is on their own journey. I’m grateful for mine.”

Shift From Malicious To Benign Envy

If you see a friend hitting a personal milestone, it’s easy to feel you’re far behind in life. But if you think of 10 or 20 of your acquaintances, chances are a bunch will be in the same boat as you – and might even be happily sailing along. In an experiment, researchers asked people to assess their running abilities. They found that participants spontaneously compared themselves with the best runner they could think of and deemed themselves not so great. The researchers then prompted the participants to list the top 10 runners they knew personally. By reflecting on the seventh- or ninth-best runner they had rubbed shoulders with, people suddenly felt a lot better. Comparing themselves with a broader group diminished the enormous gulf between themselves and what they thought of as “good.” Psychologists also find that broadening your perspective can be helpful when you experience what they call deprivation intolerance: when you don’t get what you want and that causes you to plunge into a pit of despair.

Thinking through a day-in-the-life can help you make better comparisons, for example by asking yourself:<ul><li>What would a day-in-the-life look like?</li><li>What specific pieces of that life do I want?</li><li>What specific pieces of that life do I not want?</li><li>What experience does this person have?</li><li>Is this comparison based on some imagined/ better version of myself or other people’s/ society’s expectation of me?</li></ul>Am I willing to give up the good things in my current life to have that?

Compare The Nitty-Gritty

You may not always be exactly where you want to be, but chances are you’re not where you used to be, either. Pausing to take stock of your accomplishments – and the skills you’ve developed as a result – can help you feel proud of your progress and untangle yourself from malicious envy.
A simple way to make this type of self-comparison a habit is to take a few minutes at the end of each month to reflect on these prompts:
<ul>
<li>What have I learned over the past few weeks?</li>
<li>What was difficult, and how would I approach it differently given what I know now?</li>
<li>What progress did I make?</li>
</ul>

Compare Present You Against Past You

Yes, comparing yourself with others is unavoidable, but by applying some of this advice, you can learn to use it to your advantage. Remember that you only see the tip of the iceberg, especially on social media – someone whose life seems perfect on Instagram may be dealing with struggles that you’re completely unaware of. One last good rule of thumb is to balance comparing up (looking at people who have more than you) with comparing down (looking at those who are worse off than you).

Comparing Up With Comparing Down

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We all know people who seem to attract fun. They’re the friends whose presence at a dinner party guarantees that everyone is going to have a good time. They exude warmth, playfulness and self-confidence, and people always appear happy to have them around.

People Who Seem To Attract Fun Are Everywhere

• They’re spontaneous. • They’re at ease with themselves and comfortable in their own skin. • They’re not afraid to be silly. • They’re not afraid to try new things and to be a beginner. • They’re not afraid to be vulnerable. • They’re appreciative of the small things. • They find joy in being alive. • You never feel judged by them. • They make everyone feel included. • They’re considerate of others’ feelings. • They get excited with you. • They create wonderful, shared memories.

Traits People That Attract Fun Have

What might not have occurred to you is that it’s possible for you to become one of those people yourself, even if you think of yourself as shy or introverted.Very few of the characteristics mentioned were genetically determined and you don’t need to be extroverted to be considered fun. In fact, many of the qualities people mentioned — such as being considerate of other people’s feelings — are things that introverts do naturally.

Introverts Can Also Be One

What’s more, many of the traits that make people seem fun are the result of choices and habits practiced over days and years. This means that, counterintuitive though it may seem, being a “fun” person is a skill we can develop. The primary thing that separates people who attract fun from their peers is their attitude. They approach life in general with what I call a “fun mindset”

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