Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a crucial role in our feelings of motivation, pleasure, and reward. Dopamine gives us the desire to take action to earn the exciting reward that's waiting for us. Once we achieve the expected rewards, we want more of it. We are never satisfied. As we browse through social media, our brain releases dopamine, a chemical that drives motivation and pleasure. This prompts us to continue scrolling through the feed, ultimately leading us to spend several hours on social media.

Dopamine and the Role it Plays

Dopamine itself is not inherently negative and has played a critical role in our evolutionary development. However, excessive and constant stimulation of dopamine can result in addiction, distraction, and a lack of focus. As a result, tasks that require sustained concentration can become significantly more challenging to accomplish.

In today's world, businesses are in fierce competition to capture your focus and engagement. They employ advanced software to create addictive products and services that keep you hooked. E.g while watching a video on YouTube, you are presented with a customized list of recommended videos that aim to keep you engaged for longer. Similarly, when you receive a notification, you anticipate a reward by clicking on it.When we gauge the response of others through indicators such as likes, comments, or immediate replies, our brains become conditioned to expect rapid results in all areas of life.

The Problem

This can negatively impact our capacity to think in the long term and lead us to prioritize short-term rewards.Engaging in actions that bring us instant gratification on a regular basis reinforces this behavior, leading to a self-reinforcing mechanism. The more we indulge in such behavior, the more we develop a tolerance for it, requiring even stronger stimulation to feel satisfied. As a consequence, routine tasks that once held our interest may now seem dull and unexciting due to the heightened level of stimulation we have become accustomed to.

Our modern world is designed to constantly stimulate dopamine release, leading to addiction, distraction, and a lack of focus. A dopamine detox can help to reset our brains and reduce our dependence on instant gratification. The term “dopamine detox” refers to the act of refraining from particular activities or stimuli that are known to trigger an increase in dopamine release in the brain, including social media, video games, and unhealthy food.

The Benefits of a Detox

Reducing stimulation can prevent overstimulation and help you achieve the appropriate mindset for tackling significant tasks. It is possible to implement a dopamine detox for a duration of hours to days, depending on individual preferences and needs.

Step 1: Identify your biggest distractionsTo identify your distractions, create a two-column list on a sheet of paper. In the left column, jot down the activities that you'd like to engage in during your detox phase, such as taking a walk, reading a book, or working on your project. In the other column, write the activities that you would like to abstain from during your detox period, such as using social media, checking your phone frequently, and engaging in excessive exercise.

A Three-Step Method for a Successful Detox

Step 2: Add frictionThe act of adding friction involves making it more difficult to access the things that you wish to avoid. To promote positive behaviors and discourage negative ones, it is advisable to revamp your surroundings, so that engaging in undesired behaviors becomes challenging and conducting desired behaviors becomes effortless. For instance, if notifications on your phone tend to distract you, disable them. If you aim to make progress on a personal project, try preparing the necessary materials or tasks the night before.

Next to each item in your 'avoid' list, jot down particular measures to introduce friction. Conversely, list actions to eliminate friction for the things you want to do.

Step 3: Start first thing in the morningHere are some steps you can take:1. Wake up at the same time each day to regulate your body clock and establish a consistent rhythm.2. Avoid checking your phone or email first thing in the morning to reduce potential distractions.3. Practice mindfulness or meditation to cultivate a clear and focused mindset.4. Engage in light exercise or stretching to energize your body and improve circulation. By incorporating these practices into your morning routine, you can help train your mind and body to become more focused and productive throughout the day.

Developing a habit of tackling the most important task first thing in the morning can have a significant impact on your productivity. Here are some tips on how to make it happen: Identify the most critical task that needs to be completed that day.Set a specific time for working on that task, ideally as early in the morning as possible.Eliminate any potential distractions during that time, such as turning off notifications on your phone or closing unnecessary tabs on your computer.Focus all of your energy and attention on completing that task before moving on to anything else.

Doing the Work

By making a habit of prioritizing the most important task first thing in the morning, you are more likely to accomplish it successfully and free up time later in the day. This approach can help you avoid procrastination and ensure that you make steady progress toward your goals.

Achieving a successful detox is a great accomplishment, but it's important to remember that it's not a one-time fix. Without ongoing effort and commitment, it's easy to fall back into old habits and undo all the progress you've made. Here are some tips to help you maintain your healthy habits after completing a detox:

Avoiding “Dopamine Relapse”

Set clear goalsDefine your objectives and the actions you need to take to achieve them. Create specific and measurable goals, and track your progress regularly. Plan aheadSetting up alternatives for your habits can be an effective way to break unhealthy patterns and establish healthier routines. For instance, instead of spending time on social media, try meeting up with people. Be mindfulPractice mindfulness and pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Recognize triggers that may cause you to slip back into old habits, and take steps to avoid them.

Practice self-careMake time for activities that promote your physical and emotional well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. By incorporating these tips into your routine, you can maintain the benefits of your detox and create lasting, healthy habits.

Do you find it challenging to initiate your dream project?

Are you frequently postponing essential activities until later in the day?

Do you find yourself easily distracted by external factors, leading to feelings of dissatisfaction and anxiety?

Instead of commencing your day with a significant task, do you find yourself first checking your emails or the number of likes on your most recent Instagram post?

Reclaim your focus in 48 hours or less. Do you keep procrastinating? Do you feel restless and unable to focus on your work? Do you have trouble getting excited about major goals? If so, you might need a dopamine detox.In today's world where distractions are everywhere, the ability to focus has become more and more difficult to achieve. We are constantly being stimulated, feeling restless, often without knowing why. When the time comes to work, we suddenly find an excess of other things to do. Instead of working toward our goals, we go for a walk, grab a coffee, or check our emails. Everything seems like a great idea-everything except the very things we should be doing.Do you recognize yourself in the above situation?If so, don't worry. You're simply overstimulated.Dopamine Detox will help you lower your level of stimulation and regain focus in 48 hours or less, so that you can tackle your key tasks.More specifically, in Dopamine Detox you'll discover: <ul><li>what dopamine is and how it works</li><li>the main benefits of completing a dopamine detox</li><li>3 simple steps to implement a successful detox in the next 48 hours</li><li>practical exercises to eliminate distractions and boost your focus</li><li>simple tools and techniques to avoid overstimulation and help you stay focused, and much more.</li></ul>Dopamine Detox is your must-read, must-follow guide to help you remove distractions so you can finally work on your goals with ease. If you like easy-to-understand strategies, practical exercises, and no-nonsense teaching, you will love this book.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

health

Health

mentalhealth

Mental Health

books

Books

Thibaut Meurisse

Dopamine Detox

How to Be a Stoic teaches you how to apply the ancient philosophies of Socrates, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius to modern life. So, how can you embrace this powerful mindset? It’s simple! Follow these three key steps:— Develop emotional resilience— Cultivate courage— Strengthen your character

How to Be a Stoic Using Ancient Philosophy 

Massimo Pigliucci is an Italian-American philosopher, evolutionary biologist, and writer. He is a professor of philosophy at the City College of New York. Pigliucci researches the connection between science and philosophy, focusing on evolution and genetics. He is the author of several books and articles about these topics and a frequent speaker on science and philosophy.

About Massimo Pigliucci

Have you ever wondered how to live a fulfilling life when faced with life’s inevitable difficulties?  You’re not alone! Throughout human history, religions & philosophies have tackled this big existential question. Even science has gotten into the business of addressing these issues. Most people think that this philosophy makes Stoics avoid being involved in society and public activities. But Stoicism encourages love for all humankind & nature. Death and personal extinction were important to the original Stoics. They believed that life is an ongoing project and that death is nothing special‌.

1. Develop Moral Character with Stoicism 

Stoicism is a philosophy, not a type of therapy, and everyone needs a philosophy of life. But it has played a huge role in modern psychological therapies. Stoicism has inspired Viktor Frankl’s logotherapy and Albert Ellis’s rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). What makes Stoicism unique? It focuses on building moral character, rather than chasing wealth or education. There are connections between Stoicism and other worldviews, religions, and even secular humanism.

"Stoicism is a Philosophy for Everyone"

It offers an attractive alternative for those seeking a religious outlook beyond fundamentalism. At its core, Stoicism seeks to answer one essential question: how should we live our lives? The ancient Stoics might have been a bit too optimistic about our ability to control our thoughts. Cognitive science has shown that we’re often susceptible to biases and delusions. But don’t let that discourage you! Stoicism still offers valuable lessons and tools for personal growth.

Stoicism didn’t come out of nowhere. Previous philosophical schools and thinkers influenced Stoicism’s development. Stoicism is a practical philosophy based on the idea that to live a good life, you have to understand the nature of the world and human reasoning. A student of Stoicism in ancient times would have explored subjects like physics, logic, and ethics. They believed that developing moral character required this kind of knowledge. It was this holistic approach to learning that made their philosophy so powerful and enduring.

A Road Map for the Journey

Epictetus believed that some things are within our control, such as our opinions, impulses, desires, and aversions, while our bodies, possessions, and reputations are not. We can take care of them to the best of our ability, but external factors can still impact them. It is important to focus on what is within our control and not become too attached to external outcomes.

2. Tap Into Your Inner Strengths with Stoic Philosophy

Epictetus’s example shows that the Stoic dichotomy of control comprises three levels of influence over the world:  we make choiceswe can influence some thingswe cannot influence others Epictetus says we should focus on what we can control and let the universe take its course. This will save us energy and worry.

“One of the first lessons from Stoicism, then, is to focus our attention and efforts where we have the most power and then let the universe run as it will. This will save us both a lot of energy and a lot of worry.” —

Here is an excellent Stoic metaphor: An archer can only control the arrow until they release it from the bow. After that, hitting the target is out of their hands. The Stoic archer accepts that other variables might cause them to miss their target. They also accept that they have done the best they can to achieve the goal. The Stoic dichotomy of control applies throughout our lives. A Stoic mindset allows you to sleep peacefully and wake up confident to deal with whatever comes your way.

Epictetus says that there is no need to get attached to objects and people. But while it may be easy to detach oneself from a material object, it is much more difficult to detach ourselves from the people we love.

The Stoics were famous in antiquity for inventing new words to explain their philosophy. One memorable catchphrase that captures the essence of Stoicism is the call to live our lives “according to nature.” The ancients knew human beings are special in the animal world. We can think, and we live in communities of other human beings. Human life is about using reason to build the best society that it is humanly possible to build.

3: Stoicism Explains Human Nature’s Unique Characteristics 

The very idea of human nature is now somewhat in trouble. Both scientists and philosophers are increasingly uncomfortable with the notion. Some of them even reject the notion. But Pigliucci thinks, “They are seriously mistaken in doing so.” Until the mid-1800s, people in the West thought an all-powerful God had specially created humans. They accepted Aristotle’s argument that humans are special because they are built in the image of God.

Let’s imagine the secret recipe for evolution: variation, differential fitness, and inheritance. When you mix these ingredients together, an intriguing outcome emerges. Fit people are more likely to survive and have more kids. Humans are different from wild beasts and sheep, but not so different from other primates. Not only do we live in cooperative social groups, but we also display moral behavior.

We are the only animals who use complex grammar, have babies with very large brains, and continue to grow them long after birth. We have the largest brain-to-body ratio in the mammalian world and are the only ape or Old World monkeys without a bone in our penis.

Some philosophers argue Darwin dealt a death blow to the idea of Essentialism. Others argue that human nature is so flexible that we can’t talk about a unified concept of it.  The latter argument is strange on two counts:  1. If human culture were that variable, then that would help distinguish humans from other species.2. All human beings share quite a few traits that are not variable across cultures. As a species, humans stand out from other life forms on earth due to our unique social and mental abilities.

Darwinism and Essentialism: Examining Human Nature

Yet, some critics claim that Epictetus and other Stoics commit a logical fallacy called “appeal to nature.” Scottish philosopher David Hume identified this fallacy. It occurs when one argues that something is good or right simply because it is natural.

In modern discussions of the roots of morality, there are four ways to look at the issue:  - Skeptics think that there is no way to know which ethical judgments are right or not.- Rationalism is a general position in philosophy that maintains that we can arrive at knowledge by simply thinking about stuff.- Empiricism is the stance that we arrive at knowledge based on empirical facts.- Intuitionism suggests that ethical knowledge doesn’t rely on reasoning or observation. It’s innate within us as strong intuitions about right and wrong.

4. Stoicism = Intuitionism + Empiricism  Rationalism

Philosophers classify these positions as “meta-ethical”. Stoicism is interesting because it doesn’t fit neatly into these four categories. Instead, it is a combination of intuitionism, empiricism, and rationalism. Let’s imagine a world where moral virtue is king, and comfort and wealth are secondary. This is what the Stoics believed in. Our thoughts and actions become clearer as we grow and develop between the ages of six and eight. A combination of self-reflection and experience refines our instincts. It contributes to our understanding and decision-making abilities.

A morally good man, Socrates fulfilled his military duties and taught philosophy. When sentenced to death, Socrates made it clear that he had a moral duty to obey the laws, even if they seemed misused. He believed we shouldn’t twist the rules to suit our own needs. So, what can we learn from Socrates? While we may not face the same ethical dilemmas as Socrates, we still confront countless decisions and challenges. We have to strive to uphold our own moral obligations, no matter the situation.

The Moral Dilemma of Socrates

Aristotle proposed a practical, though elitist, version of virtue ethics. This involved striving for virtue but also necessitated health, wealth, education, and good looks. Aristotle and the Cynics thought eudaimonia could only be achieved by certain people.   The Stoics viewed health, wealth, and education as “preferred indifferents” while their opposites are “dispreferred indifferents”. The virtue involved in each case is the same, whether it comes through joy or through sorrow. Avoid pain and experience joy, but not at the expense of your integrity.

5: Discover the Paradox of Virtues b/n Aristotle and the Stoics 

"Better to endure pain in an honorable manner than to seek joy in a shameful one.” ﻿

Stoic virtue is based on wisdom, courage, temperance, and justice.  In Stoicism, there are distinctions between goods – like virtue and health – to which standard economic theory doesn’t apply.  We all already use lexicographic indexing for many of our choices. Aristotle says you have to be part of the lucky elite to enjoy a nice vacation.

Stoicism allows both believers and non-believers to agree on ethical principles. Epictetus and Thomas believers often rely on causality arguments. Aquinas used the argument from design to defend the existence of God. It was a few decades before Darwin wrote On the Origin of Species.  Hume crafted a powerful argument against the appeal to design. But the world’s appearance of design, especially in biology, remained a mystery to him. That’s where Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection comes in.

6. God or Atoms? Explore Stoicism’s View

Now, scientists accept Darwin’s theory as the reason why eyes, hands, hearts, and lungs resemble designed objects. These body parts are products of natural phenomena & don’t need intelligent design.Many Stoics didn’t believe in anything like the modern monotheistic conception of God. Stoics believed we’re all part of God and that using reason to solve problems is the way to live. The idea of identifying God with nature has a long history. The famous 17th-century Dutch philosopher, Baruch Spinoza, particularly developed this concept. You might have even heard it referred to as “Einstein’s God.”

There are two important aspects to consider in this view of God: 1. This divine being doesn’t perform miracles or suspend the laws of nature to fix local issues.2. This perspective aligns with the Stoic idea that the universe operates through a web of cause and effect. It’s a concept that’s compatible with our modern scientific understanding.

There are some who say that the gods do not exist. Others believe God exists, but he’s inactive and indifferent.  Still, others say that the gods exist but are only concerned with great things and heavenly affairs, not with earthly concerns. Lastly, there is a group, which includes figures like Odysseus and Socrates, who believe that God sees and is present in everything they do.

Stoicism doesn’t claim that the ultimate goal of humans is to follow the gods. That’s just one interpretation. Instead, Stoics advocate for living in harmony with nature. We also have to equate this by clarifying nature’s relationship with the gods in order to follow the gods.

Living in Alignment with the Natural World

There was disagreement on this topic among Stoics and between them and Epicureans. Epicureans were more like modern-day deists. They believed in the existence of God, but viewed God as primarily focused on divine matters. According to the Epicureans, the world is made up of atoms bumping into each other. While humans can use reason, their actions and decisions are subject to physical forces, not divine providence.Some Stoics acknowledged this possibility. But others assert that philosophy isn’t religion and has no sacred texts or unquestionable doctrines.

A study explored how virtues are expressed across different belief systems.  The researchers found strong similarities between different religious and philosophical traditions. They identified a set of six “core” virtues:1. Courage: It involves the exercise of will to achieve goals despite facing opposition. Examples include bravery, perseverance, and authenticity.2. Justice: It underpins a healthy community life. Examples include fairness, leadership, and citizenship or teamwork.

7. It’s All About Character (and Virtue)

3. Humanity: It involves nurturing and supporting others, often described as “tending and befriending.” Examples include love and kindness.4. Temperance: It helps protect against excess and maintain balance in our lives. Examples include forgiveness, humility, prudence, and self-control.5. Wisdom: It involves acquiring and using knowledge in meaningful ways. Examples include creativity, curiosity, judgment, and perspective (offering counsel to others).

6. Transcendence: It enables us to forge connections with the larger universe, providing us with a sense of meaning and purpose. Examples include gratitude, hope, and spirituality.Four of the six core virtues are consistent with the Stoic ones. Stoics also saw humanity and transcendence not as virtues, but as attitudes.  Stoics believed that wisdom is the “chief good” because it is the only human ability that is good under every and all circumstances. We can enhance our eudaimonia (the good life) by making wise decisions based on courage, temperance, and justice.

Practicing these virtues independently is impossible as virtue is an all-or-nothing package. Diogenes the Cynic said that a person’s character is his best-calling card, and if you interact with good judges of character, that’s all you need.

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by life’s challenges, like living with a disability or battling a mental illness? Stoicism offers invaluable tools to help you navigate these tough situations. We need to practice the Socratic task of knowing ourselves. It includes knowing our limits and recognizing when we have lost a good fit between our abilities and our activities. To develop a life plan, we need to look at our entire life, and arrive at decisions “all things considered.” The plan should be coherent, ambitious, achievable, and revivable.

8. Overcome Adversity Through Stoic Philosophy

How can you find harmony within yourself? Align your spiritual and rational experiences, desires, reasons, and needs with your actions. Another technique used in Stoicism is visualization. Visualizing negative happenings decreases our fear of them. The crisis mentally prepares us, but it also makes us grateful for good things. Stoicism empowers you to cope with challenges like living in a wheelchair, battling depression, or dealing with autism.

Stoicism can help us see things differently and cope with our problems in new ways. There is no silver bullet, but it certainly deserves our attention.

Stoics took destiny more seriously than many of us do today. Epictetus draws a comparison between humans and wheat. As wheat grows to ripen in the sun and be reaped, humans, too, are destined for a similar fate.  Epictetus emphasized that our distress about death comes from our unique ability to contemplate it. But, understanding something doesn’t change its nature; it only alters our attitude towards it. He suggested that our fear of death stems from ignorance.

9. Discover the Stoic Perspective on Death and Suicide

If we knew more about the human condition, we wouldn’t be so fearful of our own mortality. Other Stoics echoed this idea, like Seneca, and later figures influenced by Stoicism, such as Montaigne. Even the Stoics’ rivals, the Epicureans, agreed. As their founder wrote in his “Letter to Menoeceus,” when we are alive, death is not present, and when death arrives, we are no longer present. Some people, however, remain unconvinced by the idea of accepting death as a natural part of life. A group of techno-optimists, known as “Transhumanists,” believe that death is a disease that can be cured.

One of the most prominent figures in this movement is Ray Kurzweil. He is a futurist working on natural language understanding software. He proposes that the key to immortality lies in uploading our consciousness into a computer, which he believes will soon be possible. Kurzweil doesn’t want to leave the party, no matter what the cost, and regardless of how privileged they have been while attending it. Stoicism advised him to leave, in a thankful and modest spirit, and make room for others.

There is a danger that someone may commit suicide for no good reason. A Stoic rationale should never be deployed with people who are mentally ill or who use trivial excuses to commit suicide. Epictetus warns against a light attitude towards taking one’s own life. He added that a man must abide by his decisions.

On Suicide

Managing anger and frustration can be tough, but there are ways to cope. The American Psychological Association (APA) suggests trying relaxation techniques to calm the mind. APA recommends the use of better communication when feeling angry in order to handle the situation effectively.  Stoicism also encourages us to pause and think before reacting impulsively. Remember, an insult or a nudge on a crowded train is harmless unless you let it bother you.

10. Stoicism Helps Us Deal with Anger and Anxiety

Epictetus suggests you take a deep breath & walk around the block before reacting. This helps you consider the situation rationally. You can also try shifting the timing of interactions, using avoidance tactics & finding alternative ways to do what you need.Some disorders of the mind may cause anxiety, but modern psychology& psychiatry are providing remedies. These therapies will calm your mind, but won’t do the thinking for you. People tend to be worried about the wrong sort of things. We should be worried about the long-term course of our lives rather than the immediate problems we may face.

Loneliness is a complex emotion that can affect anyone, and modern science has taken a closer look at it. Imagine loneliness as a spectrum. On one side, you have alienation, the negative extreme. On the other, you have connectedness, the positive extreme. Loneliness can manifest anywhere between these two points, depending on various factors.

11. Find Strength and Peace in Solitude

So, what causes loneliness? In an article from the Journal of Advanced Nursing, Colin Killeen inspects this complex emotion. He identifies some key factors, such as: - bereavement- psychological vulnerability- smaller social circle and- major life changes.

But can loneliness be “solved”? Here’s where ancient wisdom comes into play. According to Epictetus, we should be self-sufficient and comfortable with ourselves. He said, a man must prepare himself for solitude too – he must be able to suffice for himself, and able to commune with himself. It’s about endurance and resilience. Certain life events can leave us feeling lonely, but we don’t have to feel powerless.

As you face moments of loneliness, cultivate inner strength and self-sufficiency. This way, you’ll be better equipped to handle any challenges that come your way. Loneliness may not have a one-size-fits-all solution, but you have the power to shape your experience and thrive even in solitude.

Stoics believe we should use wisdom to guide our emotional responses to situations. Stoics would argue that loving something “right or wrong” applies differently to loving our country and our sports team. Some kinds of love need to be squared with what is right, not with our feelings about the matter.

Love and Friendship

Aristotle, who was definitely not a Stoic, distinguished three types of friendship, including: — Friendship of utility is what we nowadays would call an acquaintance based on reciprocal advantage.— Friendship of pleasure is based on reciprocal pleasure, and is like a “friendship of utility”. It doesn’t need to be deep, and may also end once the pertinent social glue dissolves.

— Friendship of the good: Aristotle defined friendship as a relationship between two people that enjoy each other for their own sake. It does not need externalities like a business exchange or a hobby. But the Stoics would have said that the only friendship that truly deserves to be called a friendship is that of the good.

People who put love before anything else can face many negative consequences, both for themselves and others. The Stoics thus argue that we should distinguish between relationships built on morality and those that aren’t. So, when looking at love and friendship, morality should be taken into account.

Different approaches work better for different people when it comes to Stoicism. Stoics thought we should follow nature and apply reason to social life. We should focus on what we can control and handle everything else with equanimity.

12. Practice these 12 Spiritual Exercises to Embody Stoic Wisdom

After reviewing the basic principles of the Stoic system, we can put into practice the twelve exercises: 1. Examine your impressions.2. Remind yourself of the impermanence of things.3. The reserve clause.4. How can I use virtue here and now?5. Pause and take a deep breath.6. Try to “Other-ize.” Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine how you’d react if the same thing happened to them.7. Speak little and well.8. Choose your company well.9. Respond to insults with humor.10. Don’t speak too much about yourself.11. Speak without judging.12. Reflect on your day.

a practical guide to ancient philosophy in modern life, covering the principles Socrates, Epictetus, and Cato followed in the three disciplines of desire, action, and assent.

A philosopher asks how ancient Stoicism can help us flourish today Whenever we worry about what to eat, how to love, or simply how to be happy, we are worrying about how to lead a good life. No goal is more elusive. In How to Be a Stoic, philosopher Massimo Pigliucci offers Stoicism, the ancient philosophy that inspired the great emperor Marcus Aurelius, as the best way to attain it. Stoicism is a pragmatic philosophy that focuses our attention on what is possible and gives us perspective on what is unimportant. By understanding Stoicism, we can learn to answer crucial questions: Should we get married or divorced? How should we handle our money in a world nearly destroyed by a financial crisis? How can we survive great personal tragedy? Whoever we are, Stoicism has something for us—and How to Be a Stoic is the essential guide.

religionandspirituality

Religion & Spirituality

education

Learning & Education

Massimo Pigliucci is an author, blogger, podcaster, as well as the K.D. Irani Professor of Philosophy at the City College of New York. His academic work is in evolutionary biology, philosophy of science, the nature of pseudoscience, and practical philosophy. His books include How to Be a Stoic: Using Ancient Philosophy to Live a Modern Life (Basic Books) and Nonsense on Stilts: How to Tell Science from Bunk (University of Chicago Press). His new book is The Quest for Character: What the Story of Socrates and Alcibiades Teaches Us about Our Search for Good Leaders (Basic Books). More by Massimo at https://massimopigliucci.org.

Massimo Pigliucci

How to Be a Stoic

Being easy, agreeable, and in a constant state of people pleasing felt normal to me.  I could be a nice person and feel like I was selfless. Being nice was a convenient way for me to continue living my "good guy" conditioning.  Of course, I was consistently feeling drained and like my relationships weren't fulfilling.

Why I stopped being nice, so that I could be kind:   Being easy,

Resentment crept in. As I started healing I realized: I wasn't actually being nice. I wasn't being nice to myself. Like most chronic people pleasers, I had no boundaries. This fed a part of me that wanted to feel: needed, important, and like people depended on me. As I slowly started healing myself, I knew I had to break this pattern.

I had to stop being nice so I could be kind. This would mean: I had to set boundaries, I had to say "No," and I had to start actually putting my needs first.

1. It's ok to disappoint people: we naturally disappoint people, and people will disappoint us. This is part of life. 2. Boundaries create generosity: when we have clear limits and prioritize our own needs, we can actually meet the needs of others. The more fulfilled our own needs are, the more we can fulfill the needs of others.

Some of the lessons

3. I don't need to over-explain: I remember the first time I declined doing something without a long winded excuse. It felt so vulnerable and off to me. Why? I believed there had to be a reason for me to not do something. This is how codependency shows up. 4. Healthy people respect your limits: healthy people understand boundaries and don't pressure, guilt, or shame you for not doing something.

5. Doing things because you want to feels good: doing something from a pure space (rather than wanting to get approval or validation from someone) is a very beautiful feeling. It's ok to feel good. 6. Our society glorifies self sacrifice and self betrayal: how often do we hear "He put everyone else before herself" as if this is a noble act. What we don't see is how this can lead to depression, addiction, etc.

I'm still healing from these patterns and I still feel guilty at times, but one thing I no longer have is resentment within my relationships.  And that has changed my life.  REMEMBER: Be kind, not nice!

I can’t tell you how much this summarises my entire life and way of thinking … finally started to be aware that this is not good for myself and starting to change … hard every day

mindfulness

Mindfulness

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

Why I stopped being nice, so that I could be kind

The book is based on the premise that we face difficult conversations daily. For example, apologizing to loved ones or telling your boss that you are looking for other jobs. Daily we have a decision to make: Do we avoid these difficult conversations, or do we tackle them head-on?

The Fundamentals

Various conversations can be considered difficult, and these will depend on the individual. Difficult conversations are not solely limited to common conversations about sexuality, race, gender, politics, and religion. They can be any conversation that makes us feel vulnerable, awkward, or uncomfortable. These are the conversations that we are likely to put off and leave for another time. For example, returning an item you recently bought can be a difficult conversation

In the first chapter of this book, the authors outline how each difficult conversation has three hidden conversations underpinning it. This concept is something that the authors noticed after studying hundreds of conversations. Importantly, they also identified that if people can understand the structure of their difficult conversations, they can make them more productive.

Sort Out the Three Types of Conversation

These conversations relate to disagreements over what happened or what should have happened. This type of conversation can take many forms. For example, the conversation could consider: who said what, who did what, who’s right, who meant what, and who’s to blame.

Type 1 – The What Happened Conversation

Additionally, every difficult conversation involves those involved wondering whether their feelings are valid. Should you be angry/upset? Is it reasonable if the other participant in the conversation does not acknowledge how you are feeling? Additionally, you might be wondering whether you have hurt the other participant’s feelings in the conversation. Emotions must be addressed in the conversation.

Type 2 – The Feelings Conversation

The identity conversation is the conversation we have with ourselves. This conversation covers what this situation means to you. With difficult conversations, we often second guess ourselves. We consider whether we are coming across as competent, kind, and lovable. These conversations involve questioning our identity. We worry these conversations will impact our self-image and our self-esteem.Every conversation involves confronting all three types of conversation. Each of them underpins difficult conversations and, therefore, we must learn how to manage each type simultaneously.

Type 3 – The Identity Conversation

Whether we like to admit it or not, starting a difficult conversation can often be motivated by selfish reasons. We want to prove a point, give somebody a telling off, or ask something of the other person. However, understanding the mistakes frequently made within the three difficult conversations should help you view them differently. You will start to appreciate the complexity of the perceptions and intentions you and your fellow conversation participant hold. By doing this, you will no longer be using difficult conversations to deliver a message based on yourself.

The Learning Conversation

Instead, you will be sharing information and asking questions. All in all, your conversation will be moving towards a conversation based on learning. This type of conversation will help you solve the issues surrounding the what happened conversation. You shouldn't approach conversations believing you are correct. engage in a learning conversation that involves accepting that each participant will bring different information & perceptions to the table. Each of us has essential information that we are unaware of. REMEMBER: the goal is to explore these differences productively.

First, Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It's often easy to finish a difficult conversation confused about how irrational that person is without considering their perspective. You must learn to accept that the other participant is a different person with a different perspective. Therefore, it is normal for them to have inconsistent conclusions. View differences are often due to differences in the information you have been exposed to. Therefore, you should avoid being offended by someone who disagrees with you & investigate whether the other person knows something you don’t yet know.

Improving the What Happened Conversation

Secondly, this book’s authors encourage their readers to avoid assuming the other person has ill intentions. They provide an example of when a friend comments on how tired you are. Instead of perceiving this as an insult, consider how your friend is looking out for your health and well-being. They care for you. In sum, don’t always assume the worst of the participants in your conversations.

Finally, you need to stop blaming others. If the other participant misunderstands you in a heated conversation, it isn’t necessarily their fault. Identify each person’s contributions in the conversation and take responsibility for working through the situation together. Adopting this approach will allow you to come to an understanding.

Try to ask yourself the following questions:<ul><li>Where did the miscommunication begin?</li><li>How did you both contribute to the mess?</li><li>What can you both do to move forward?</li></ul>

Identify Your Emotional Footprint﻿Controlling our feelings and emotions during a difficult conversation is harder than it sounds. Our emotions are often uncontrollable. We also suppress our true feelings when we feel embarrassed or hurt. The learning conversation can help us address our feelings by acknowledging the importance of expressed and unexpressed emotions. However, this conversation requires specific skills.

Improving the Feelings Conversation

Firstly, you must address your own emotions during difficult conversations. Consider why you react the way you do within certain situations. For example, think about how you handled emotions as a child and whether this aligns with how you now handle difficult conversations. Plus, consider how those around you reacted to how you handled difficult conversations when you were younger.

This process identifies your natural emotional footprint during difficult conversations. After this, it is essential to negotiate these emotions. Your perceptions and views underpin your emotions. Therefore, attempt to reconsider your perceptions within these difficult conversations. Rather than reacting automatically to difficult conversations, try to consider other perspectives. Even considering an alternative perspective can calm down your automatic emotional responses to a difficult conversation.

Finally, the authors recommend sharing your emotions. Your difficult conversations will remain unproductive if you are unwilling to share both the good and bad emotions associated with those conversations. Do not just state, “I am angry.” Instead, ask the other person why they find this conversation essential and provide a deeper reason for your emotions. Additionally, avoid accusatory exaggerations when explaining how the conversation makes you feel and why you feel this way.

Share Your Emotions

You do not want to be accusing the other person through claims of “you always” or “you never.” These statements are unfairly labeling the person. Instead, try to help the other person understand your viewpoint and your emotional reaction. Then, ask them how their viewpoint and emotional reaction differs, as well as why.

Avoid Absolutes With Identity﻿When considering identity, it is easy for us to list a few terms that describe how we identify ourselves. The issue with identity conversations is when we only utilize absolutes. Often we perceive ourselves as either being loyal or a cheater, loving or hateful. Identities are never absolutes. Difficult conversations can quickly make us question our identity. Hence, as we identify through absolutes, we visualize difficult conversations as an attack on our self-image.

Improving the Identity Conversation

Perhaps you consider yourself a loyal person. Imagine receiving an offer to work at a high-salaried competing firm in a more enjoyable role. Accepting this offer could lead you to become confused about your identity if you work in absolutes. Accepting the position would make you disloyal, right? Instead, you should challenge that thought. Consider how you've been loyal in the past & still been grossly underpaid in your job. Plus, you would be prioritizing more loyalty to your family by providing for them through a better-paid job. The e.g - showcases how identity is not all or nothing.

These examples offer support for the book’s notion that we should stop wasting our time and energy on challenging others who question our self-identity. Instead, accept that you will make mistakes. Accept that your intentions are complex and that you have probably contributed to this problem’s difficulty. Doing this will help you accept that the other participants can also make mistakes.

Mistakes are Inevitable

The authors encourage the readers to remind themselves that they cannot control another person’s actions. Instead, you can only control the way you react to the person’s actions. You can imagine how the other person might respond and how these responses might question your identity. Also, try to review the conversation on balance. This conversation will probably be unimportant in the long-term. Therefore, instead, use these conversations to learn rather than somewhere to place all your importance.

Finally, the book recommends sometimes taking a break from a difficult conversation. It is easy to become emotionally overwhelmed during difficult conversations, as these conversations are often linked with both of your identities. If you feel overwhelmed, you should ask the other participant for some time to think about what they have said.

When beginning a difficult conversation, you must remember to never start with your side of the story. Starting with our story risks threatening the self-image of the other person. Instead of telling the story from your point of view, start the story by explaining the situation from an impartial observer’s perspective. Speak objectively about the situation.

Tell the Third Story

After you have done this, you can extend an invitation to the person you want to have a conversation with. In this way, you start the conversation with an understanding of solving a problem. This understanding allows the conversation to start without judgment. Plus, the conversation will be framed like you are working together to find a solution.

The conversation should then start by explaining to them how you want to understand their perspective better. Try to emphasize that you want to come to an agreement together. You want their help to make the outcome a productive one. Finally, make sure that you are persistent. Likely, defensiveness will still creep into the conversation. Be open to these responses and let them share their defensive emotions, and then you can share yours. Ensure you listen to the other person’s responses, demonstrating that you understand what they are saying.

Final Points﻿As humans, we often shy away from difficult conversations. However, they are some of the most important conversations. We need to approach these conversations in the right way to make them productive. Try to transform each conversation into a learning conversation. Accept that others will have a different perspective. Remember, each person has strengths that will help make the conversation a productive one.

Final Points and the Five Steps to Successful Difficult Conversations

Recognize the emotions you often experience during difficult conversations, consider why this might be, and learn to share them. The other person’s emotions are just as valid as yours. Finally, remember that your identity does not work in absolutes, and it can also change.

Before every difficult conversation, make sure that you have in mind the following points:<ol><li>Prepare yourself for the conversation by considering the three conversations for both sides. So, think about what happened from both points of view. Be clear on your emotions and ground your identity.</li><li>Decide whether it is even worth raising the conversation. For it to be worthy, it must be underpinned by good purposes. These are learning, sharing, and problem-solving. Avoid difficult conversations that are merely for blaming and judging others.</li></ol>

The Five Steps to Successful Difficult Conversations

3. If you decide the conversation is worth engaging with, make sure you start with the third story. Start the conversation as an impartial observer and move towards inviting them to join you in solving the problem.4. Explore their three stories, and then yours. If the conversation goes off-course, then be sure you reframe it back on track.5. Problem-solve throughout the conversation. Identify ideas that could solve both sides and ways in which future conversations could be engaged in productively.

Guide to help you understand what makes difficult people tick and how best to handle them.

leadershipandmanagement

Leadership & Management

communication

Communication

Handling Difficult People

This book is based on the premise that we face difficult conversations daily. Have a read

The 10th-anniversary edition of the New York Times business bestseller-now updated with "Answers to Ten Questions People Ask" We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought you Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. you'll learn how to: · Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation · Start a conversation without defensiveness · Listen for the meaning of what is not said · Stay balanced in the face of attacks and accusations · Move from emotion to productive problem solving

The 10th-anniversary edition of the New York Times business bestseller-now updated with "Answers to Ten Questions People Ask" We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought you Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. you'll learn how to: · Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation  · Start a conversation without defensiveness  · Listen for the meaning of what is not said  · Stay balanced in the face of attacks and accusations · Move from emotion to productive problem solving

Douglas Stone

Sheila Heen

Bruce Patton

Difficult Conversations

Self-help gurus have a knack for encouraging people to create and stick to goals. But Adam believes goals are for losers. According to him, the reality is that even the clearest goals have two problems that will always persist:Goals are future-orientedGoals can become overly-specificFirstly, there is the issue that goals are placed in the future, but we have to work in the present to achieve them. This means you are unlikely to see any results from your actions until much further down the line. Most people would find this reality frustrating and discouraging.

1. Goals Have Two Major Problems

The specific nature of goals can also lead to similar frustrations. For example, people often feel like failures if they don’t accomplish exactly what they set out to do. They may still be highly successful, but not meeting their goals leaves them feeling they haven’t accomplished anything. An example of this would be losing weight by a specific date. This goal prevents you from feeling successful during the journey of losing weight and will leave you feeling like a failure if you fall even one pound short by that date.

Adams believes that systems are more effective than goals. Systems are firmly grounded in the present. This means they can be grounded in your life right now, and you will get daily pleasure from successfully operating them. Adams describes the time he first learned of the power of systems. He sat on a flight next to a man who explained to Adams how systems had transformed him from an employee to a CEO.

2. The Effectiveness of Systems

The CEO said he became successful by always looking for a better job. You see, most people wait until they need a job to start looking for one. When they reach their goal of finding a job, they stop. The CEO followed a system by constantly looking for the next promotion, even when he didn’t need it. In the long run, this was a much more effective strategy.

An exercise system would focus less on an end goal and more on day-by-day improvement. For example, committing to daily exercise. This shows one of the greatest strengths of systems, which is that it helps establish habits.Adams used systems as a young man to help him achieve the success he now has. He created a system around writing and drawing things people were receptive to rather than having a clear end goal. This meant he did not feel like a failure if it was not successful, which helped him keep going. This continual motivation meant he could create the hit comic strip Dilbert.

3. Examples of Systems

We must understand our talents, but we must also be willing to favor new skills over our talents to become a generalist. The business world was previously obsessed with specialization. Adams points out that general knowledge about several fields is more useful in the modern world. This does not make you mediocre or your average Joe. Adams explains that he has always been a generalist. When he started Dilbert, he was not a talented writer, artist or businessman. He was just relatively proficient at each skill.

4. The Benefits of Being a Generalist

This general competence is what allowed Dilbert to become a success. A wide range of skills like this will help you adapt to the constant changes of the world. That said, Adams notes that not all skills are created equal. There will be some skills that are more relevant within a specific field. So, consider your passion and identify all the relevant skills. Also, think about skills that will be useful in every field, like grammar, vocal techniques and the ability to hold engaging conversations.

As well as developing general skills, you must use introspection to identify your unique skills. Parents and teachers often pressure people to pursue specific careers. You are in the best position to notice your special skills and think about which career would suit those skills. If you are struggling to notice these skills, Adams recommends thinking about what you like to do. It is generally the case that the activities we enjoy the most are the things we are good at.Suppose this doesn’t help you recognize your unique skills.

5. Specialize in the Areas You Enjoy

How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big is a guide to succeed despite your failures. Adams admits he has failed at more things than anyone he has ever met. But, he managed to transition from working in an office to being the creator of a world-famous comic strip within a few years. The key to this success were fundamental principles that he picked up along the way. This book outlines these principles and how they will benefit you more than what society suggests is best for you and your future.

'Everything you want out of life is in that bubbling vat of failure. The trick is to get the good stuff out.' Scott Adams has probably failed at more things than anyone you've ever met. So how did he go from hapless office worker and serial failure to the creator of Dilbert, one of the world's most famous comic strips, in just a few years? In this brilliant book, Adams shows us how to invite failure in, embrace it, then pick its pocket. What is the key to success? Hire the right employees! How do you know you hired the right ones? You know because the business is successful. So the key to success is circular reasoning? Yes, because circular reasoning is the key. No career guide can offer advice that works for everyone. Your best bet is to study the ways of others who made it big and try to glean some tricks that make sense for you. So here Scott Adams tells how he turned one failure after another - including a corporate career, inventions, investments and two restaurants - into something successful. Along the way he discovered some unlikely truths. Goals are for losers; systems are for winners. Forget 'passion'; what you need is personal energy. While you laugh at his failures, you'll discover some helpful ideas for your own path to personal victory. As he puts it- 'This is a story of one person's unlikely success within the context of scores of embarrassing failures. Was my eventual success primarily a result of talent, luck, hard work or an accidental just-right balance of each? All I know for sure is that I pursued a strategy of managing my opportunities in a way that would make it easier for luck to find me.'