Why I stopped being nice, so that I could be kind - Deepstash

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Why I stopped being nice, so that I could be kind:   Being easy,

Why I stopped being nice, so that I could be kind: Being easy,

Being easy, agreeable, and in a constant state of people pleasing felt normal to me. 

I could be a nice person and feel like I was selfless.

Being nice was a convenient way for me to continue living my "good guy" conditioning. 

Of course, I was consistently feeling drained and like my relationships weren't fulfilling.


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Resentment crept in. As I started healing I realized: I wasn't actually being nice.

I wasn't being nice to myself.

Like most chronic people pleasers, I had no boundaries. This fed a part of me that wanted to feel: needed, important, and like people depended on me. As I slowly started healing myself, I knew I had to break this pattern.


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I had to stop being nice so I could be kind.

This would mean: I had to set boundaries, I had to say "No," and I had to start actually putting my needs first.


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Some of the lessons

1. It's ok to disappoint people: we naturally disappoint people, and people will disappoint us. This is part of life.

2. Boundaries create generosity: when we have clear limits and prioritize our own needs, we can actually meet the needs of others. The more fulfilled our own needs are, the more we can fulfill the needs of others.


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3. I don't need to over-explain: I remember the first time I declined doing something without a long winded excuse. It felt so vulnerable and off to me. Why? I believed there had to be a reason for me to not do something. This is how codependency shows up.

4. Healthy people respect your limits: healthy people understand boundaries and don't pressure, guilt, or shame you for not doing something.


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5. Doing things because you want to feels good: doing something from a pure space (rather than wanting to get approval or validation from someone) is a very beautiful feeling. It's ok to feel good.

6. Our society glorifies self sacrifice and self betrayal: how often do we hear "He put everyone else before herself" as if this is a noble act. What we don't see is how this can lead to depression, addiction, etc.


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I'm still healing from these patterns and I still feel guilty at times, but one thing I no longer have is resentment within my relationships. 

And that has changed my life. 

REMEMBER: Be kind, not nice!


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Book summaries mostly ...


I can’t tell you how much this summarises my entire life and way of thinking … finally started to be aware that this is not good for myself and starting to change … hard every day


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