Something that science has been confirming to us, and something that people often learn in therapy, is that we have more power to influence our emotions as we thought we have.

Our mood is not only influenced by our thoughts – yes, they might contribute to a low mood but they are not the only influence. Our mood is mainly made up by our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations and our behaviour.It is hard to notice them separately but that it is exactly what we can do to deal with low mood: Break down how you feel into what thoughts you have, what emotions you feel, what your senses experience and how you were and are behaving. Then, you can pick one or a few of these things and change them.

Understanding Low Mood

When we experience low mood, it may have been influenced by several factors from our internal and external world, but when we understand what those influences are, we can use that knowledge to shift it in the direction we want it to go.

When dealing with mood, it is essential to remember that it is not all in your head. It’s also in your body state, your relationships, your past and present, your living conditions and lifestyle. It’s in everything you do and don’t do, in your diet and your thoughts, your movements and memories. How you feel is not simply a product of your brain.

We can’t just press a button and produce our desired set of emotions for the day. But we do know that how we feel is closely intertwined with the state of our body, the thoughts we spend time with and our actions. Those other parts of our experience are the ones that we can influence and change.

We often spiral into even more negative mood states because when feeling low, we often lack the energy to perform our favourite activities that delight us. Hence, after a certain period of time, we end up feeling worse. Engaging in activities that give us instant relief, such as scrolling through social media, are just as harmful.Reflect on how you deal with certain emotions and whether or not these coping strategies are actually helpful.

Breaking Low Mood Cycles

Thoughts influence our mood and our mood influences our thoughts, which is why we are even more prone to biased thinking when feeling low:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Mind-reading: Making assumptions about thoughts and feelings of other people.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Egocentric thinking: Thinking that everyone shares the same values etc. as you do and judging based on that assumption.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Emotional reasoning: Thinking that because you feel a certain way, it must be true.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Musts/shoulds: Having unrealistic expectations.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">All-or-nothing thinking: Thinking in extremes.</li></ul>

Thought Biases

Reflect on past moments that were good or bad. Do you recognise any of these biases?By reflecting on past moments regularly, with times it becomes easier to notice thought biases in the very moment they occur. With that comes the power to recognise that they are not facts but simply biases – they might not be true. You don’t have to find an answer, in fact, there might not even be one, so learn to be okay with not knowing.

Dealing With Thought Biases

“If we can acknowledge that each of our thoughts presents just one possible idea among many, then we open ourselves up to the possibility of considering others.”

It is almost impossible to control what thoughts arrive at your brain, but you can control how much attention you give them. Trying not to think about something is counterproductive. Instead, choose how long you want to stay with each thought.Metacognition (thinking about thinking) helps to create distance between you and your thoughts. With that, you can analyse them and think of where you would rather want them to go.When noticing any thought spirals and rumination, say stop, get up and move around a little. Practicing mindfulness and gratitude help with moving your attention consciously.

Controlling Your Thougths

“The power of any thought is in how much we buy into it. How much we believe it to be true and meaningful.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Be compassionate with yourself and speak to yourself as you would to a friend.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">When feeling low, it is hard to make decisions, so don’t try to make the perfect ones and instead try to make “good enough” decisions. Smalls steps help you in the long run and build a habit.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">When analysing your emotions and problems, always think about the direction you want to take. Focus on where you want to go and how you might get there. What would you feel, how would you think and behave, what would your physical sensations be?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focus on mental health basics such as exercise, sleep, diet and social interaction.</li></ul>

How To Deal With Bad Days

There are two types of having no motivation:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Procrastination: Avoiding something because it is associated with stress and discomfort.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anhedonia: No longer enjoying activities you used to enjoy. It is associated with depression.</li></ul>You can increase motivation by:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Physical movement, even if it is just a little.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Remembering your goals and staying connected with them.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focusing on small but consistent progress and habits, instead of big goals that are hard to keep up with.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Learning how to rest and relax.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Changing how you think about failure and treating yourself with compassion.</li></ul>

Motivation

“Once you sustain the habit of prioritizing your healthy behaviours, they will sustain you.”

“Science tells us about the things that work for most people. But the detail you can establish from looking at your own life with curiosity adds significant value.”

“If something matters to you and could benefit your health, don’t wait until you feel like it – do it anyway.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">When an emotion tells you to not do an actions that aligns with your values, do the opposite of what the emotion suggests.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Build a habit: Make it simple, adjust your environment, make clear plans, reward yourself, know why you want the change.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Break bigger goals down into small steps. Take time to rest and recharge.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Pre-plan what you will do in hard situations that trigger you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Know who you want to be and how you want your life to look like. What decisions would you have made?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Figure out the pros and cons of both the change you want to and of changing nothing.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reflect on your past.</li></ul>

Doing Things You Don't Want To Do

"The more we repeat an action the easier it becomes for the brain to do it with less effort in the future.”

“Repeat a behaviour enough times and it will become a habit.”

“The most effective way to solve a problem is to understand the problem inside out.”

“You cannot change what you cannot make sense of.”

Emotions are neither good nor bad. They aren’t facts but simply a possible perspective. Don't push them away, as this will lead to worse problems in the long run. Instead, ask yourself curiously what this emotion is trying to tell you.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Soothe yourself using tools that make you feel safe: You can create a little box with pictures of loved ones, a bag of tea, a book etc. that you can turn to.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Name the emotion specifically: Use a feeling wheel such as then one from Wilcox (1982) to find out what exactly you are feeling. If you don’t find a name, create your own name.</li></ul>

Dealing With Emotion

“You are not your feelings and your feelings are not who you are.”

“If there is something emotions are useful for, it’s telling us what we need.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Show that you care. Listen closely, ask open questions. Don’t give advice unless they ask for it. Help them by cooking a meal etc.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">They usually have an idea of what they need, ask them how they would like to be supported.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take care of yourself. Have a space where you can express your own thoughts and meet your needs. Set boundaries.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Create a crisis plan so that you and the person struggling know what to do in a specific situation.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">If they have a diagnosis, learn more about it. There will be ups and downs in their healing journey. Seek professional help.</li></ul>

How To Support Someone

There are five stages of grief:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Denial: Denying the situation, saying it is just temporary.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anger: Being angry at the person, situation or the unfairness of our world. It is associates with pain or fear, so look at what might be really going on. Perfom physical activities.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Bargaining: Ruminating about “what if" and things you could have done better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Depression: Feeling sad and empty. This is part of the process. Don't surpress it. Feel and soothe your way through it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Acceptance: Starting to accept the sitaution. You might not agree with it but you open yourself up to new things.</li></ul>

Stages Of Grief (Kubler-Ross, 1969)

William Worden (2011) described four tasks of mourning:<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Accept the new reality after the loss: It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. Have no expectation about how you should be feeling or healing.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Work through the pain of grief: Don’t push the emotions away and instead try to express them.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Adjust to an environment with the loved one missing:  Take small steps and build a life around the loss.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Find a way to stay connected to them while also engaging with life as it is now: It is possible to remember the loved one and continue living at the same time.</li></ol>

The Tasks Of Mourning

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Continue to have a relationship with the person you have lost.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Build a relationship with yourself. Focus on the feelings and sensations in your body to build awareness. Listen to your needs.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Express the grief in a way that you feel comfortable with.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take as much time as you need.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Set boundaries with the people around you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Create a routine and bring a little structure into your day. Take care of your mind and your body through exercise, diet, sleep etc.</li></ul>

Pillars Of Strength (Samuel, 2017)

Criticism and disapproval often have nothing to do with who you are as a person. People are often critical with others because they are highly critical with themselves. Learning how to deal with criticism healthily can be a crucial skill.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Shift your mindset around failure: Use it as an opportunity to grow and improve.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Let go of criticism that reflect the values of others but that are not aligned with your own. Identify whose opinions matter most.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Understand that people often are more focused on themselves as they are on you. This is called the spotlight effect (Gilovich & Savitsky, 2000)</li></ul>

Dealing With Criticism

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Know what triggers shame in you. You might have linked these things to your self-worth. However, your self-worth is not dependent on you being perfect and never making mistakes.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reality-check the criticism. Understand that these might be just opinions and not facts. Look at your behaviour and evaluate.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Talk to yourself in a way that lifts you up instead of destroying your self-worth. It is okay and normal to make mistakes You always have a chance to improve and do better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Talk about the shame itself. Silence intensifies shame while expressing it can minimise feelings of shame.</li></ul>

Dealing With Shame

Saying that you don’t care what anyone thinks is not the way to go, as it displays insecurities rather than understanding that we are wired to care about what other people think. Understand whose opinions you value and whose opinions you care less about.Understand who you are and who you want to be. What are your values, dreams and goals? When knowing these, you will also know which criticism to take and which to let go of.Don’t be your own critic, instead love yourself through the process. Speak to yourself compassionately.

Understanding Yourself

Building confidence requires taking action you are uncomfortable with.We have a comfort, stretch and panic zone (Luckner & Nadler, 1991). In your comfort zone, it is unlikely to develop confidence and leaning into your panic zone is not necessary. Your stretch zone is where you should lean into.Write down a situation you would feel most uncomfortable in. Identify a similar situation that is less scary. Go on until you find a situation that is slightly out of your comfort zone. Start there and build yourself all the way up step by step. Be uncomfortable for a while, then go back to safety.

Building Confidence

“Confident is not the same as being comfortable. One of the biggest misconceptions about becoming self-confident is that it means living fearlessly. The key to building confidence is quite the opposite. It means we are willing to let fear be present as we do the things that matter to us.”

“To build confidence, go where you have none. Repeat every day and watch your confidence develop.”

Confidence is not really built by speaking positive affirmations. When having low self-esteem and speaking affirmations, you might even end up feeling worse (Wood et al., 2009), as you automatically find reasons to why the affirmations aren’t true.How you talk to yourself still matters though. Hence, it is better to talk to yourself in a compassionate way as a coach would talk to an athlete: They are honest with the athlete but still encouraging.

Affirmations Vs. Compassionate Self-Talk

"The way we start to believe something more positive about ourselves is to use action to create evidence for it.”

Yes, you read that correctly. Self-esteem means being able to evaluate yourself in a positive way and believe in those appraisals (Harris, 2010).People often suggest looking at your strengths and tell you that you will be successful. However, “success” is often associated with being a winner, accomplishments and being acknowledged by others. This results in comparison or competitive behaviour and thus, feeling worse and inadequate.High self-esteem isn't linked to performing better or better relationships. Instead, it correlates with arrogance and discrimination (Bauermeister et al., 2003).

You Don't Need To Work On Your Self-Esteem

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Notice changes in your behaviour as they often indicate how you are feeling.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take a step back from your emotions by giving them a name.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Notice when you are having the urge to block your feelings. Let them wash over you knowing that they will pass. Soothe yourself through it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Learn from it. Reflect on what you did well and what you could have done better.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Return to your values and what matters to you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Try again after working through the experience.</li></ul>

Bouncing Back From Failure

Being compassionate with yourself won’t make you lazy but instead can help you keep going (Neff et al., 2005). Accept your mistakes and flaws and know that you are still worthy.When feeling any negative emotion, let it be shame, sadness, guilt etc., it is always a good idea to feel into the emotion and accept it. Be compassionate with what you are feeling.You can also write a compassionate letter to yourself while imaging you are talking to a loved one that is in the same situation as you are.

Self-Acceptance And Compassion

Anxiety is there to keep you safe. However, your threat alarm immediately goes off without you having time to think things through, which is why it is often irrational. It is supposed to feel uncomfortable and intense. Understand that anxiety is trying to protect you – so you don’t want to turn it off completely. Instead, learn how to cope with it.

The Purpose Of Anxiety

“To fight fear you must be willing to face it. Escape and avoidance only provides short-term relief but feeds anxiety in the long term.”

“If you avoid the thing you fear, you never give yourself the chance to build up evidence in your mind that you can get through it and survive. Just telling your brain that something is safe is not enough. You must experience it. Your brain will need some convincing, so you need to repeat that behaviour over and over. As many times as it takes. The things you do most of the time become your comfort zone. So, if you want to feel less anxious about something, do it as often as you can.”

These are behaviours that help you in the short-term, but make anxiety worse in the long-term:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Escaping the situation when you are in it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Avoiding the situation.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Compensatory strategies, for instance washing your hands when having a fear of contamination.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Anticipating worst-case scenarios.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Seeking reassurance from a loved one.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Safety behaviours, for instance looking at your phone to try avoiding a conversation.</li></ul>

Safety Behaviours

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Try staying in the situation and soothe yourself through it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Try breathing techniques such as box breathing and move around.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Thoughts are not facts, get some distance between you and your thoughts, write them down.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Fact-check, how possible the situation you’re anxious about really is. Shift your spotlight of attention to more important thoughts.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Practice and receive compassion as it is the opposite of anxiety.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reframe the situation, see it as an opportunity.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Focus on your values and who you want to be.</li></ul>

Dealing With Anxiety

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Catastrophizing: Thinking of the worst possible outcome.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Personalising: Making everything about yourself.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Mental filter: Focusing even more on negative things instead of positive ones.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Overgeneralizing: Using one event to make judgements about all other events.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Labelling: Using one information to make global judgments about you as a person.</li></ul>

Thought Biases That Make You Feel Worse

The fear of death underlies all of our fears. We know that it is inevitable and that it could happen any time. Accept that you will die sooner or later.There are three types of acceptance of death (Gesser et al., 1988):<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Approach acceptance: Having beliefs about an afterlife.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Escape acceptance: Seeing death as a relief from suffering.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Neutral acceptance: Seeing death as a neutral and natural part of life.</li></ol>

Fear Of Death

Many people that have been close to death come back stronger and wiser. When accepting death, we can cultivate a more meaningful life because we then know what we want to achieve before dying.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Reflect on how you are avoiding death, why you might avoid it and how you can accept it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reflect on how you want to feel in your death bed. How do you want to leave the world behind? What would your daily life look like in order to achieve that?</li></ul>

The Good Side Of Facing Death

“If you were able to write just a few words on your own gravestone, what would you most want it to say?”

When stressed, your sympathetic nervous system activates, preparing your body for fight, flight or freeze responses. It activates your body so that you are more alert and have more resources available to deal with the situation at hand.This is a helpful response in the short-term. However, long periods of stress without any rest are damaging. Your body becomes depleted because of all the energy it gives you, without getting relaxation and time to recharge back.

Your Body Under Stress

… is almost impossible. Society thaught us that stress should be avoided at all costs but often this is not realistic: Most of the time we do not choose to feel stressed - we do not choose to lose a person or to have a car accident. Instead, try to learn how to replenish after stress.Avoiding stress should also not be the goal as it is neither good nor bad. This entirely depends on the amount of stress: Both too little stress and too much stress are not good. A healthy balance is needed for optimal performance.

Eliminating Stress

Here are a few things that can lead to stress:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Control: Feeling incapable of dealing with the situation or not having proper resources for it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reward: Wanting to achieve a financial goal, social recognition etc.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Community: Lacking social interaction and a sense of belonging.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Fairness: Perceiving inequality.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Values: A mismatch between your values and the demands you are facing.</li></ul>

Causes Of Stress

The mind and the body are interacting and exchanging information constantly.When stressed, you can see the effects in your behaviour as well: Changes in sleep, appetite, more irritability, having problems to switch of and rest, problems with concentration and focus, more prone to addictive behaviours, headaches, stomach problems, sexual problems, muscle pain etc.

Recognizing Stress And Burn-Out

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Try breathing techniques or meditate. There are different kinds of meditation, find one that works for you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Turn towards others, seek out social interaction.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Set goals that are bigger then yourself, it can increase your satisfaction with life (Crocker et al., 2009). Don’t make goals to compete but to contribute.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Incorporate more mindfulness in your day such as showering or walking mindfully.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Embrace the feeling of awe: It is the feeling of wonder and feeling small (in a good way) compared to something bigger, for instance when looking at the night sky with all the stars and the moon.</li></ul>

Making Stress Work For You

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Mindset: Reframe how you perceive stress. See it as something useful that gives you more energy and makes you alert.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Language: Use a language that is helpful such as affirmations. However, affirmations should be realistic and not too over-the-top.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reframing: Look at the situation from a different angle. It is an opportunity to grow rather than a problem. Shift your focus to something bigger and broaden your view.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Failure: Build a different relationship with failure. It is part of the process. Take responsibility and practice self-compassion at the same time.</li></ul>

Coping When Stressed

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Don’t make it part of your identity. You are not a bad person just because you did something wrong. State the specific  behaviour instead of making global attributions about who you are as a person.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">It is normal to experience failure. You are not the only person in the world feeling like that.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Treat yourself with self-compassion. What would you say to a loved one in your situation?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Talk to someone you trust about the thing you are ashamed of. They will probably show kindness and compassion.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">How would the person you want to be deal with this? What could you do that would make you feel proud?</li></ul>

You don’t have to be happy all the time. It is completely okay and human to have ups and downs. Things that make your life meaningful don’t always bring you joy and satisfaction but also fear or pain and yet they are still worth it.A good place to start is knowing what you value most in life. When having clear values it is easier to distinguish between what to focus on and what to ignore and to keep going when meaningful things get tough. However, know that your values can change over time.

Happiness

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Figure out areas in life you want to focus on, e.g. relationships, work, health, personal growth. You can also identify character traits that are important to you, e.g. honesty, independence, fairness, empathy, self-awareness, bravery.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Identify how satisfied you are with each area or trait by using a scale. How could you improve the ones you rated the lowest?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">For each area or trait, write down a specific goal you could reach. Make goals based on your identity and not on the outcome.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Translate the goal into a small day-to-day behaviour. Repeat it as often as you can so that it becomes a habit.</li></ol>

Knowing Your Values

“The focus is not on what you want to happen for you but on the kind of person you want to be, the contribution you want to make and the attitude you want to face life with, no matter what happens.”

“Linking the intentions to your sense of identity allows the new behaviours to continue way beyond the initial goal.”

We often hold beliefs about what love should look like based on what movies or society told us. These are often not true and keep us from building healthy relationships.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">“Love shouldn’t be hard”: Ups and downs or normal.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">“Be as one”: It is normal to disagree as you are two different people.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">“Be together always”: It is okay to spend time apart and do things separately.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">“Happily ever after”: You might drift apart and come back together again.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">“Relationship success means staying together at all costs”: If the relationship does more harm than good, it is okay to break up.</li></ul>

Relationship Myths

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Anxious Attachment: They need a lot of reassurance, tend to be clingy, have people-pleasing tendencies or avoid conflict. Their partner might feel controlled and their fear of abandonment might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Build a sense of safety independently from your partner.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Avoidant Attachemt: They have a hard time opening up, avoid intimacy and try to keep their independence at all times. Their partners often mistake this as a lack of love and that they don’t want or need connection (but just like everyone else, they do).</li></ul>

Attachment Styles #1

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Disorganised Attachment: They show a huge variety of behaviours: difficulties in dealing with emotion, fear of abandonment, dissociation etc. Learn to manage both the fear of intimacy and separation.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Secure Attachment: They have a healthy balance between closeness and independence.</li></ul>

Attachment Styles #2

“While the anxiously attached person must work on tolerating the vulnerability of self-reliance, the avoidantly attached must build up tolerance of the vulnerability involved in opening up to a close connection.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">It is possible to change your attachment style. Build self-awarness of your patterns. Understand your style and figure out small actions you can do daily. </li><li class="ql-align-justify">Having good quality friendships help a lot with feeling satisfied in a relationship (Gottman & Silver, 1999), so focus on them too.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Respond to your partner with care, attention and acceptance. Show gratitude even for small things.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Learn how to deal with conflict productively.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Understand you own values and those of your partner.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Identify how and who you want to be in a relationship.</li></ul>

Building Better Relationship

“The way to ensure that your everyday actions are led by intention, rather than reactive, is to step back every now and then and reflect on how you want the picture to look.”

“As we can’t force change upon others, the focus is on understanding and identifying what we can do as individuals.”

“Working on the self helps your relationship and working on your relationship helps the self.”

“The best time to seek support for your mental health is any time you become concerned about it.”

Going to therapy is okay and can be helpful for everyone. If you can, give it a try and if you don’t have access to it, try to learn as much as you can about recovery and use the support of loved ones.While reading the book, I have realised that practicing small things such as breathing can add up to a huge change. Dr. Julie Smith is also huge on journaling and self-reflecting.You have probably already heard of most of the things and exercises in the book but have you ever tried them seriously and regularly?

Therapy

Dr. Julie Smith offers tools and knowledge from therapy to deal with emotions and life circumstances effectively, covering a huge variety of topics such as stress, confidence, low mood, anxiety, motivation, relationships etc.

International bestseller "Smart, insightful, and warm. Dr. Julie is both the expert and wise friend we all need." -Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and co-host of the "Dear Therapists" podcast? Drawing on years of experience as a clinical psychologist, online sensation Dr Julie Smith provides the skills you need to navigate common life challenges and take charge of your emotional and mental health in her debut book. Filled with secrets from a therapist's toolkit, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before teaches you how to fortify and maintain your mental health, even in the most trying of times. Dr Julie Smith's expert advice and powerful coping techniques will help you stay resilient, whether you want to manage anxiety, deal with criticism, cope with depression, build self-confidence, find motivation, or learn to forgive yourself. Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before tackles everyday issues and offers practical solutions in bite-sized, easy-to-digest entries which make it easy to quickly find specific information and guidance. Your mental well-being is just as important as your physical well-being. Packed with proven strategies, Dr. Julie's empathetic guide offers a deeper understanding of how your mind works and gives you the insights and help you need to nurture your mental health every day. Wise and practical, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before might just change your life.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

mindfulness

Mindfulness

habits

Habits

mentalhealth

Mental Health

books

Books

Julie Smith

Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Get to know the impact fields of ego - space - people.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Sharpen your perception of yourself and others.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Define your desired personal impact.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Use the power of your thoughts.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Use your gestures in a goal-oriented way.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Pay attention to the use of facial expressions.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Be aware of high and low status, the status seesaw and status struggle.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Let your voice work and use your linguistic skills.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Master complex situations with different types of people using the four modes of action of rank, status, power and self-worth.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Use your impact in the room.</li></ol>

10 Steps To A Self-confident Appearance

In moments you have embarrassed yourself, you have three options:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Ignore it and hope the people around you forget about it (which is usually not the case).</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Explain yourself and give reasons to why you behaved the way you did (this often makes things more uncomfortable).</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Excuse yourself with a relaxed statement (with that you don’t leave the other person with negative feelings that tend to be remembered longer. Now the feelings are cleared and they will forget about it)</li></ul>Take yourself a little less serious as the people around you do.

Dealing With Embarrassing Moments

The outside is the way you look, behave and act, while the inside is how you feel and what you think. People only see what’s outside.When changing the outside without changing the inside, your body language comes off as inauthentic, exaggerated and anything but confident. Unfortunately, this is what most body language books will tell you.It is better to change your internal state, as it will automatically reflect in your body language and behaviour.

The Outside Vs. The Inside

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Ego: The persons that behaves (= you).</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Room: The place of the interaction.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">People: The people influenced by you.</li></ol>These three fields can all be perceived by yourself and by other people. And they can all be influenced by you but they can also influence you (and the same with the people around you).As these three interact with each other, it is important to pay attention to all of them when wanting to change your impression.

Three Impact Fields

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">We are always communicating. You might know the famous quote by Paul Watzlawick: “One cannot not communicate”.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">When interpreting body language, consider the entire context: Someone might cross their arms because they can’t put them on the armrest and not because they aren’t confident.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Everything is interaction. You influence the people around you and they influence you.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">There is no right or wrong, no good or bad. In order to evaluate the impression you make, you have to set a goal. And with that goal, an impression can only be according to your goal or not.</li></ul>

Things To Consider

Self-awareness is the key to knowing what impression you leave on other people and how to improve your interactions with them. You can achieve self-awareness through reflection. Meditate on your internal state on a daily basis and feel your body through body scan exercises. Only eat when you feel hungry, feel your heartbeat, look at your environment, notice your current behaviour etc.

Self-awareness

This is also essential when wanting to manage your own impression: Recognizing what the other person is doing and maybe thinking and feeling.You can improve your awareness of others by doing some simple exercises:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Pay attention to all of your five senses: What do you see, hear, smell, taste and feel?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Look at someone and only perceive what they are doing, how they are doing it, their body language and their facial expressions. After that interpret your observations. Then, you can ask yourself how you feel about that.</li></ul>

Observing Others

According to the island model, everyone lives on their own island.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Your island = the past: Your experiences, morals/values, knowledge/education, talents/skills, personality.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Your backpack = hidden things you carry along with you: Traumas, pain, emotional issues.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Waves hitting the island = the present moment: The situation at home, with your friends, at work, weather, time, country.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Direction in which the island grows = your future: What you are aiming for, your goals and aspirations, beliefs and desires.</li></ul>

The Island Model (Vera F. Birkenbihl)

Just like you have your own island, so does everyone else. The closer their island is to yours, to more likely you are to understand them. Maybe your islands overlap, which means that you share the same values etc.Your goal should be in expanding your island, so that you can understand other people better.

Expanding Your Island

When interacting with strangers, we only know what we can see. Our interpretations of their actions are often wrong as we don’t know the entire context.<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Assume people have good intentions and they will be more likely to behave well (self-fulfilling prophecy).</li><li class="ql-align-justify">When making attributions about people, look at the bigger picture and consider the entire context, so that you can prevent the fundamental attribution error (the tendency to attribute people’s behaviour to their personality instead of the situation).</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Remember that everyone grew up differently, so how you view the world is totally subjective.</li></ul>

Problems When Interpreting People’s Behaviour

We often attribute characteristics to someone based on one single characteristic. Let’s say someone is attractive: You tend to think they are also smart, rich and live a good life even though you don’t know.Be aware of that when dealing with people, as you might get blinded by few characteristics of them.However, you can also use the halo effect to your advantage by dressing or behaving in a certain way.

Using The Halo Effect

As we have already seen, knowing how you view yourself and how others perceive you is important. After figuring these out, you can think about how you actually want to be perceived by others and the necessary steps you need to take in order to achieve that.Example: You are a shy person (self-awareness) and others perceive you as insecure (other’s perception) but you want to be perceived as open and confident (desired impression), so you should be smiling, approaching them... (steps to take).

Figuring Out Your Desired Impression

... is the person you want to impress with your behaviour. This could be a guy at a party, your boss or someone else.Around the hot person, you tend to act “weird” and somewhat inauthentic to impress them, for instance you could be laughing louder so that they think you are having a funny conversation with someone else.This behaviour is weird to the people around you that are not the hot person, as your behaviour will immediately shift back to normal once the hot person is gone.

The Hot Person

There are two types of objectives people aim for:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Overriding objectives are things you are mostly unaware of, desires stored in your unconscious mind. They mostly drive your behaviour without you even realising, such as appreciation or love. They are also the reason why you tend to “act out of character”.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Subordinate desires are “smaller” goals of yours, such as success, being liked or making friends. They help you with achieving your overriding goals.</li></ul>

Overriding And Subordinate Objectives

When analysing behaviour, pay attention to these five things:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Frequency: How often the behaviour occurs.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Order: In which order the behaviour occurs.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Amplitude: How big the behaviour is.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Speed: How fast the behaviour is performed.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Goal-orientation: Whether the behaviour has a specific goal or is rather uncontrolled.</li></ul>

Analysing Behaviour

When it comes to interpreting body language, I recommend trusting your intuition as you will unconsciously pick up subtle changes and micro expressions which you might not be able to explain rationally.In the book, there are a few body language moves interpreted which I cannot summarise in one idea. However, you will quickly notice there are certain patterns that can easily be applied to basically any behaviour. I explained them in my summary of <a href="https://dsta.sh/fMUGyPMWXxEymZMH9">“What every BODY is saying” by Joe Navarro</a>. It is also linked at the end of this post so that you can continue reading in peace. :)

Interpreting Body Language

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Illustrators: Gestures to illustrate something, e.g. creating a little space between your hands to illustrate closeness.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Emblems: Gestures with a certain meaning in a culture e.g. shaking your head, pointing in a direction, counting with fingers.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Adaptors: Behaviour that is learned in childhood through imitation, e.g. putting your hand in front of your mouth when speaking.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Regulators: Conscious behaviour to control something, e.g. a policeman using his hand to indicate slower driving.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Gestures of affect: Spontaneous gestures that can't really be controlled, e.g. stepping back when threatened.</li></ul>

Types Of Gestures (P. Ekman, W. V. Friesen)

There are three types of emotions:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Primary emotions that show what is important to us in the moment.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Secondary emotions which are the emotional reaction to our primary emotions.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Instrumental emotions that are used to manipulate others.</li></ul>Paul Ekman also discovered seven emotions that are seen and recognised all over the world: Anger, contempt, disgust, enjoyment, fear, sadness and surprise. They can also appear mixed together.

Types Of Emotions

“Whether someone is treated as something special does not depend on the person themselves, but on the behaviour and actions of the people present.”Just like a famous person wouldn’t be recognised if no one payed attention to them, so is your impact dependent on the people around you.The goal should be to have a confident und sovereign presence no matter the people around you – it should come from you.

The Role Of Other People

Your status can either be high (dominant) or low (submissive) and is defined by all the things you do and don’t do such as how often you blink, your loudness, your movements and speed etc.The two types aren't good or bad but they can both be either constructive if desired or deconstructive if undesired:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Constructive high status: Confident, sovereign.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Destructive high status: Arrogant, opaque.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Constructive low status: Friendly, caring.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Deconstructive low status : Nervous, indecisive.</li></ul>

High Vs. Low Status

Your status is dependent on the situation and the people you are interacting with. One person automatically has a higher status. You can visualise this with a seesaw that is up on one side and low on the other but that can change any time.It is best to figure out which status you and the person you are interacting with feel most comfortable in and switch or adjust the status accordingly. However, try to keep the status differences between you two as small as possible.

Status Seesaw

Often, what you say is not as important as how you say it. Our voices communicate feelings, even though we might not want it.The reason why your voice sounds differently on audio is because when speaking, you hear yourself through your bones and the air. When listening to your voice on audio, other brain regions are active as if you listen to yourself while speaking.Improve the sound of your voice:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Breathe in your belly: This was our normal breathing pattern as a child but most of us have unlearned.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Keep your entire body and your facial muscles relaxed by massaging.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Speak tongue twisters.</li></ul>

Improving Your Voice

Using breaks when speaking helps with emphasizing your points. However, don’t just pause because you know how important breaks are as they might be more confusing than helpful. Instead, use them strategically after you said something important or use breaks just as you would use them in written texts.

Using Breaks When Speaking

Emphasize the ending of your sentences. Lower your voice after you finished it or raise it, if it is a question. Lowering your voice at the end of the question can also have a very powerful impact.You don’t have to do this with every single sentence, however, it gives your speech power and makes you appear confident. When silencing the last few words of a sentence, you appear unsure and as if you don’t value what you say.Reduce “yes”, “okay” etc. at the end of your sentences. They are often used because you didn’t finish the sentence correctly by raising or lowering your voice.

Finishing Sentences

Words such as “uh” or “uhm” should be reduced as much as possible.If you catch yourself during any other behaviour instead, try to say “uhm” a little longer as you normally would. This will give you and others time to think and can put emphasis on your words.However, it is best to avoid them by focusing on your speech, being confident in what you have to say, using breaks and using shorter and easier sentences.

Eliminate Filler Words

Have you noticed that you act differently around certain people? It might be because you want to give off a certain impression around them or fulfil their expectations (or at least those you think they have).You are not playing only one role but many. When someone else takes to role you would normally take, you feel an inner conflict and try to reduce it by bringing the other person down, taking a different role or questioning yourself. Remember that just like you, everyone else plays a different role around other people. Remembering this will help you be more confident.

How You And Others View Yourself

In an organization or in society in general, there are different ranks, for instance a politician is ranked higher than a prisoner.People with the same rank associate more as they feel more comfortable around each other. It also common that we reach out for people who are ranked higher as we are.It is hard and takes time to climb up the ladder but it is easy and happens quickly to fall down into lower ranks.With a higher rank comes more power, it is easier to influence others.

Different Ranks

Ranks are different from status. Remember that someone can have a high or low status, depending on what they do in a certain situation.Just because someone has a higher rank, doesn’t mean their status is higher in that situation. For instance, a boss appreciating the amazing performance of an employee means that the employee currently has a higher status while the boss is still ranked higher.Using your own status consciously can help making other people feel better.

Status And Ranks

Power refers to skills, talents and competence. There are three dimensions of power:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Individual vs. structural: Talents that are learned and trained (e.g. knowledge, charisma) vs. things you are born with and that are hard to change (e.g. nationality, health, age). Structural power influences individual power and is depended on the place.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Visible from outside vs. not: You can hide or show off your individual and structural power.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">High class vs. low class: Depending on the situation, your power might bring you privileges, prejudices etc.</li></ul>

Power

Self-worth is directly linked to your status. When feeling confident in yourself and having a high sense of self-efficacy, your status will automatically increase.Raising other people’s confidence is not only beneficial for them but also for you! Remember that the actual outcome is not always what you intended – put yourself in the other’s shoes. Beware self-fulfilling prophecies and also keep in mind that self-worth can be destroyed within seconds but takes ages to build. The closer you are to someone, the more their self-worth is dependent on you.

Self-worth

Sometimes it is necessary to interrupt someone as they might be a very talkactive person that never stops talking.<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Show appreciation and say something positive.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Take something the other person said and talk positive about it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Use a bridging sentence to control the conversation in your desired direction.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Don’t let yourself be interrupted and at the end, ask a question back. It can happen that both of you speak at the same time. Continue speaking confidently yet friendly.</li></ol>

Interrupting Someone

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Imagine a 90° angle in front of you. Make sure that the people you want to influence are in that 90° field.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">To reach everyone in the audience, even the people in the back, you don’t necessarily have to speak louder. Increase your presence by imagining yourself as a big lamp that can shine with only one body part or the entire body. You can also use this as a visualisation exercise.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">The barkeeper-effect: Interact with your environment (people and objects) naturally as if you would do so daily. This will appear professional.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Get to know the room by looking at it from different angles.</li></ul>

Your Presence In A Room

Give the door as little attention as possible and instead focus on the people in the room. This includes not looking at the door but facing the room. Again, imagine you did this every day. You can open the door with one hand and close it with the other without having to turn your body.Now, after you had a little time to observe the room, walk in confidently. If you still don’t know where to go, take a few slow steps until you know where to go. Remember the popular quote “walk in as if god sent you”.

Entering A Room

When it comes to body language, practice is essential. Only by observing closely and taking time to reflect you can truly understand human behaviour. This applies to both understanding behaviour of others and your own – and using it to your advantage.As already mentioned, I recommend reading <a href="https://dsta.sh/fMUGyPMWXxEymZMH9">“What every BODY is saying” by Joe Navarro</a>. But any book of his or his YouTube channel can be helpful.You might also like this: <a href="https://dsta.sh/bkhBAKiz8DLJyYJJ7">Appearing confident with tips from Vanessa Van Edwards.</a>

Deepening Your Learning

This is a summary of the German book "Die Power der persönlichen Präsenz" by actor and psychologist Benedikt Crisand.

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