Finding your place in life is a puzzle for most -like me. But throughout the endless nights of asking what am I here for, I see the path I chose to walk on to.

Who You Truly Are- Finding Your Calling

Back then I would envy people who knew what they wanted from the start: artist who relentlessly pursued their dreams at a young age, people who had a clear vision of what they will do when they grow up, and people who knew what they were good at and made a career out of it.

The Path

But I didn't seem to have an idea, or a solid vision like they did. Mine was ever changing. "Oh being a nurse seems really nice, helping people be better and taking care of them", or "its such a beautiful thing to teach children, and help them grow and learn" or " I want to tell stories, and write something that brings light, warmth and truth to people". Oh here's my most daring one "I want to be an actress and inspire people of music, theater and arts." There was no single road for me. And so I looked at everyone else, and how they seemed to have figured their path in life already.

Lost

And I kept asking myself what am I meant to do? What is my path? "Maybe I'm meant to be a wood carver. I love to try wood carving. Maybe I'm supposed to be a dress maker. Cause i really like to make my own designs. Wait! I'm going to be a writer. No. maybe I can be a marketer. Study and build my own business in time. That's what I'll do. "And even though I thought I knew, deep down inside I was always unsure.The questions continued and still I had no answer. Not knowing what I was meant to do in life often made me feel like I was not meant for anything at all. No direction and purpose.

What was I Made For?

Many jobs, roles and pursuits are meaningful. But in the end my greatest and constant question is "Did I make the right choice and was I supposed to live my life this way?" And my greatest fear was missing and trading my divine appointment for something I thought was my role. At a very young age, my environment instilled in me that I was meant to do great things. Life is meant to be lived with significance. I WAS meant to pursue a life of significance. An expectation that further added pressure to know what I need to do in life, and how it should be great. But what is a life of significance?

What Makes Life Significant? 

At a young age my perception of succes was a life applauded by many people. Celebrated by many people. Recognized by individuals around. Something your parents and friends could be proud of. But that wasn't it. I knew from growing up you could do great things, but many people would not find it great. But still, society pushes in our minds what success in life should look like. Big house.Established career. Many friends.Great connections. My younger self saw all that and despised it so much. But as an adult, I'd be lying if I'd say that I wasn't convinced through many ways, that was "the life".

The Definition Of Success

So I find myself, like many others who grow up, inside a rat race of trying to find that security. But thankfully I was stubborn enough to know that deep down inside that's not all there is to life. Zombified by external pressures, and constricted by norms and expectations,I was always trying to see, if this is all life had to offer. So from one job to another I struggled to find significance not only because I was very existential with my purpose, but also because my commitment to work will only come as strong as how I see my work is inline with my identity.

Society And The Existential Girl

If I can't see myself doing my work for the rest of my life, then sooner later I would leave. For many wrong reasons and for many right ones I chose to let go of work. I am in the point of my life where I realized I have many biased excuses, and on other hand, very valid experiences. I knew I had the passion for my work, especially in the beginning, but in the middle of all of it, it usually flies away out of the window. Through many other external factors that lead to burnout, my passionhad to be replaced by commitment and responsibility, when that dries up as well, my mind and body goes. .

When You Have No Pulse 

to default-survival mode, stripped from life. I become one of the many persons being tossed and turned by the waves. So I end up back again in the same question I always had " was this how I was suppose to live my life"? And I know know the ringing truth was: No. Was it it my responsibility to live my life to the fullest? Yes! So what is a significant life?I asked myself. And one of the most pivotal moments in me was knowing what I really wanted. What I instrinsictly wanted- I came to a realization.

Brought Back To Life

My younger years cultivated in me something that I cannot quite understand. That was the desire to take care of people I love and even those who were a stranger to me. I love giving massages, I love taking care of kids, I love preparing meals, and attending to other people's needs. ( that is with the exemption that I am not burnedout because my love langauge is also acts of service) But I came to a recent realization of how happy it makes me to take care of people. It was something that was second nature to me. To love people in the form taking care of them.

What Makes Me -Me

My little acts of service: Preparing meals,taking care of the sick, assisting people or simply accompanying them- those were all something I naturally do for someone I love.And with this realization I thought I figured it out.I want to be a mother. It flipped my whole perception of me being a nun as my ultimate destiny.I never saw myself someone who was going to be prepared for motherhood. I abhored the idea when I was younger. Family? Sheesh. No thanks.Yeah sure, I fell inlove and planned family. But I never realized it was so ingrained in my identity to be a mother that it comes so naturally

Part Of Who I Am And What I Want

So much so that I realized I was so attached to my first serious relationship because it triggered in me that sensed of motherhood. That oppurtunity to take care and be there. Which was kinda weird. But there it is. Men often who are not shown love,affection, guidance, and the care they yearn for and need from their natural mother's will usually find it in their partner and eventually their wives.But then again,I had another thought that challenged this in my mind. If I was to be a mother, what kind of care should I give my children? Is it only their physical needs that need attending to do?

The Mother Inside

Is that the kind of woman I want to be?And so I challenged this thought again and said to myself : Is there any other kind of motherhood? And yes there is. There are women who don't have children and have taken up the role of being a mother. There are widowed or single women who guide people around them with their wisdom. There are many ways to be a mother. And I remembered, my dream back then of adopting children and building an oprhanage. A dream that connected itself to the my nature to take care! I was in highschool but I alreadywrote down names for the children I will adopt.

A Different Kind Of Mother.            A Different Kind Of Path.

I know deep down inside being a spiritual mother was something more important to me than just simply providing someone else's physical and emotional needs. Knowing that when they grow up, that's most likely what they need most to get through life's challenges. I know my plans are not always what God plan's but I entrust this dream to Him. In what ever form this desire inside me is fullfiled, I will accept it. He has put this desire in my heart to take care of children, and create a beautiful life for them. A fair sized house, with a chapel, with children, paintings, books, and garden-farm.

My Blueprint And The Architect

Now I know there is a divine appointment and a divine time for it to happen. But throughout all I experienced in life, I know this is what will make me happy. And I know there many paths that God would say " that isn't your calling", but this is something I want to devout my life into. Not my 8 hours. But my entire life. Far from the idea of being a successful writer, or business owner, or famous in any industry. I have found something significant for my life to pour into. Now I finally know how people decided what they wanted to do.They realize that most significant parts of themself.

A Life Of Goodness 

For me it is writing, my creativity. My spirituality and my motherhood. And it is in the matter of balancing these important parts of oneself, that will create the best version of me. Every dream has its ups and downs but I will know deep down inside that despite the challenges you will always find something to be thankful for. Something to cherish even when things go wrong, and something to hold on to when times are tough. So when life happens and tries to steer me in different directions, I know deep down inside what i want.

Dreams Are Made Of You

I am very well aware of the reality of trying to live a dream life. A fish searching for the ocean when it is already swimming in it. The green pasture always looking good from a distance. And I understand the illusion of always looking for something to add meaning to your life. That's why I remind myself not to keep on looking and longing for the day it happens. But to create and celebrate the dream in small ways I can today. I know I am already in it, I just have to believe it.

The Dream Life Is There Everyday 

The process of realizing what you want to do in life

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

artsandculture

Society, Arts & Culture

Figuring it out

A woman's love for their children is beyond any measure. Mothers devote not only their time, but their whole life to those they love. I urge you to take care of the woman of your life, your mother.

A Woman

When we are still ignorant of the realities of life, we just go about doing our own will. Restrictions and prohibitions from parents, especially from mother's often result to conflict, misunderstanding that damages or worst severes the relationship between us and our mother- a normal yet painful phase between the bond of mothers and children. We often perceive the motherly care as too controlling, narrow minded and unreasonable. And despite their good intentions, their actions and approach can often convey the opposite.

When You Are Too Young To Understand

In haste to protect from any influence that can lead to mischief, or possibilties that may harm their children, our mothers create rules for us to follow. Blinded by their motherly care, mothers forget that as their children grow up, a desire of control and to make their decision naturally emerge( despite not fully prepare or able to face consequences of decisions made out of that freedom). It is essential for mothers to let their children feel they are trusted to make their own decisions and be able to learn from their mistakes.

When Mothers Are Wrong

What creates trust between mother and children is the way she supports her them which ever is the result of their own personal decisions. A mother's comforting presence as a friend to whom personal thoughts and reflections can be voiced out, creates a deeper trust and stregnthens the bond.However, reality is different, life is complicated and no one has it all figured it, not even mothers.That's why most of mother and child relationships are unaffectionate or tend to become distant overtime. However, this fact doesn't erase that mothers and their children will forever be bonded.

When Mothers Are Not Perfect

Motherhood is a 24/7 job. I often hear my mother say, she doesn't have any vacation. And in my ignorant mind and reckless tongue, I often say she could but she just doesn't chose to. And all those years I heard her take pride in her role as mother. This was the life she chose and it was her decision to stand firm. When me and my sister judged her for being solely a mother and not pursuing a career, we wish we knew how awful we were when we looked down on her and all the other mothers in the world. Being a mother is a role only the most self sacrificing person is capable of doing.

When She Choose Us Again And Again

She chose to be the firm support of our family. Of my Father and of her children. When of one of us was sick, she would be our nurse. She made sure we had the support we needed to focuss on what we needed to. School and work. And most of the time we took it for granted.How she stepped aside and made us the center. Even when she was tired and unappreciated, she continued to be there.Even when we were disrespectful and unloving, she didn't walk out the door and quit. Every. Single. Day. She could have chosen herself more than us. But she didn't.

When Mother's Are Tired But They Still Show Up

I've never been the affecfionate type towards my mother. Maybe our relationship had a riff that concluded we could not kiss or hug each other unless compelled during long goodbyes, special events and our most vulnerable moments during family struggles. But whatever is hindering me from showing my affection, doesn't mean my heart isn't longing to show how much she means to me and how in the thought of her suffering, completely and automatically makes me disoriented and weak. Of how unimaginable it is for me to think of something like that. The blow is undescribable.

When Your Mother Is Suffering

This is most proabably the point of our lives when as women we are both aligned. I grew up enough to understand the heartaches brought by the challenges of life and how you must remain resilient for your loved ones. When you know that your emotions will affect the people around, you will try to keep your tears by yourself. When you want to keep smiling because you don't want to remind your mother of anything she might be dreading.You just want to be with her and be the support she needs- a strong sensible woman- you will be that.

When A Women Is Afraid But She Keeps It To Herself

My younger self would have questionned choices that seemed irrational. But I am thankful I have a better view of life and how not simple it is. When you realize life is not forever, yet you want to make sure you cherish it now for what it is, regardless of the situation, you don't let emotions overwhelm you to an unneccesarry point of going down to pieces. You celebrate whatever you have and be thankful for it. You acknowledge the fear of uncertainty, but you embrace the emotions that wave inside you, that make you human.

Let It Flow, Let It Be. 

Whatever happens in the future. My mother remains triumphant in life. The uncertainty of tomorrow is just another chapter of life we will face together, as always. And she will live her life, more significant than I could dream of achieving for myself. My mother and all other mothers in one way or another, deserves the best recognition, our unconditional love and support. Our time and care. Our affection and prayers. They deserved to be celebrated. My heart beats because of my Mom and so I would do everything to keep her's beating happily and make sure that she knows she is loved.

Till The End Of The Road We Will Be Together

Mothers and their Life

Nothing is too insignificant inside the mind that its isn't worth being writen down or recorded. There are small or lengthy compositions that goes inside our head, however, they are not something to be considered as full grown fruits of wisdom and knowledge, but rather a rippening of one's mind about life, reality and everything in between that makes me pause and ponder. That's why instead of writing article-like- compositions here, I'd rather document my thoughts to help me process them.

Documenting The Thought Process

I know there are other apps out there that will serve my goal in writing better. But I really like being an odd ball to an environment. But I find the people here might just be interested in my writing. Also like mentioned these writings are my thoughts and so I don't expect anyone to read them better than me. These are ruminations for oneself, but shared to a lot for the worth I see in the process not the output. Recording them is one way to be able to reflect on them not just for today, but as years go by that I might read them in a more advanced age.

To Speak To Oneself Is To Write To Onself

I like to see how my thoughts become better and better overtime. Not to be incompetition with myself or other's in this platform. Not to prove any point. But just simple to speak them outloud. And if you find anything that makes sense, I suggest you do further reflection on them, instead of going with biased feelings or impulsive decisions. Like a gem or stone that you need to look closely into to verify whether the sparkle that is shines is a part of a solid truth, or maybe just a temporary gleam.

Evaluate Your Stones

I've had few occupations that brought me joy in the process but also gave me immense pressure. I myself have made a big deal of what I can and cannot produce. Which resulted in a lot of creative block and existential crisis. But today I have discovered that no one, not even yourself, should take away the joy of simply writing. Not to write not for a crowd, not for money, or not even to prove to myself. Being a writer is not the be-all- end -all. It is simply part of who I am. So it is art because of the freedom i find in it. Not because of the ways I can show off how creative or well put I am

When Writing Matters

As I mentioned, there are many personal goals I have in this but I remain to hope that who ever might be reading what I right will benefit positively from it. What I hope for is beyojd my control, but still it is a conscious decision I make to remind, readers to thread lightly on what you read and read for a better perspective in life and on thoughts on certain plights and experiences in life.

Figuring it out

Mothers and their Life

Documenting Thoughts

Christelle Carpio