Figuring it out

But I didn't seem to have an idea, or a solid vision like they did. Mine was ever changing. "Oh being a nurse seems really nice, helping people be better and taking care of them", or "its such a beautiful thing to teach children, and help them grow and learn" or " I want to tell stories, and write something that brings light, warmth and truth to people". Oh here's my most daring one "I want to be an actress and inspire people of music, theater and arts." There was no single road for me. And so I looked at everyone else, and how they seemed to have figured their path in life already.

And I kept asking myself what am I meant to do? What is my path? "Maybe I'm meant to be a wood carver. I love to try wood carving. Maybe I'm supposed to be a dress maker. Cause i really like to make my own designs. Wait! I'm going to be a writer. No. maybe I can be a marketer. Study and build my own business in time. That's what I'll do. "And even though I thought I knew, deep down inside I was always unsure.The questions continued and still I had no answer. Not knowing what I was meant to do in life often made me feel like I was not meant for anything at all. No direction and purpose.

Many jobs, roles and pursuits are meaningful. But in the end my greatest and constant question is "Did I make the right choice and was I supposed to live my life this way?" And my greatest fear was missing and trading my divine appointment for something I thought was my role. At a very young age, my environment instilled in me that I was meant to do great things. Life is meant to be lived with significance. I WAS meant to pursue a life of significance. An expectation that further added pressure to know what I need to do in life, and how it should be great. But what is a life of significance?

At a young age my perception of succes was a life applauded by many people. Celebrated by many people. Recognized by individuals around. Something your parents and friends could be proud of. But that wasn't it. I knew from growing up you could do great things, but many people would not find it great. But still, society pushes in our minds what success in life should look like. Big house.Established career. Many friends.Great connections. My younger self saw all that and despised it so much. But as an adult, I'd be lying if I'd say that I wasn't convinced through many ways, that was "the life".

So I find myself, like many others who grow up, inside a rat race of trying to find that security. But thankfully I was stubborn enough to know that deep down inside that's not all there is to life. Zombified by external pressures, and constricted by norms and expectations,I was always trying to see, if this is all life had to offer. So from one job to another I struggled to find significance not only because I was very existential with my purpose, but also because my commitment to work will only come as strong as how I see my work is inline with my identity.

If I can't see myself doing my work for the rest of my life, then sooner later I would leave. For many wrong reasons and for many right ones I chose to let go of work. I am in the point of my life where I realized I have many biased excuses, and on other hand, very valid experiences. I knew I had the passion for my work, especially in the beginning, but in the middle of all of it, it usually flies away out of the window. Through many other external factors that lead to burnout, my passionhad to be replaced by commitment and responsibility, when that dries up as well, my mind and body goes. .

to default-survival mode, stripped from life. I become one of the many persons being tossed and turned by the waves. So I end up back again in the same question I always had " was this how I was suppose to live my life"? And I know know the ringing truth was: No. Was it it my responsibility to live my life to the fullest? Yes! So what is a significant life?

I asked myself. And one of the most pivotal moments in me was knowing what I really wanted. What I instrinsictly wanted-

I came to a realization.

My younger years cultivated in me something that I cannot quite understand. That was the desire to take care of people I love and even those who were a stranger to me. I love giving massages, I love taking care of kids, I love preparing meals, and attending to other people's needs. ( that is with the exemption that I am not burnedout because my love langauge is also acts of service) But I came to a recent realization of how happy it makes me to take care of people. It was something that was second nature to me. To love people in the form taking care of them.

My little acts of service: Preparing meals,taking care of the sick, assisting people or simply accompanying them- those were all something I naturally do for someone I love.And with this realization I thought I figured it out.I want to be a mother. It flipped my whole perception of me being a nun as my ultimate destiny.I never saw myself someone who was going to be prepared for motherhood. I abhored the idea when I was younger. Family? Sheesh. No thanks.Yeah sure, I fell inlove and planned family. But I never realized it was so ingrained in my identity to be a mother that it comes so naturally

So much so that I realized I was so attached to my first serious relationship because it triggered in me that sensed of motherhood. That oppurtunity to take care and be there. Which was kinda weird. But there it is. Men often who are not shown love,affection, guidance, and the care they yearn for and need from their natural mother's will usually find it in their partner and eventually their wives.

But then again,I had another thought that challenged this in my mind. If I was to be a mother, what kind of care should I give my children? Is it only their physical needs that need attending to do?

Is that the kind of woman I want to be?And so I challenged this thought again and said to myself : Is there any other kind of motherhood? And yes there is. There are women who don't have children and have taken up the role of being a mother. There are widowed or single women who guide people around them with their wisdom. There are many ways to be a mother. And I remembered, my dream back then of adopting children and building an oprhanage. A dream that connected itself to the my nature to take care! I was in highschool but I alreadywrote down names for the children I will adopt.

I know deep down inside being a spiritual mother was something more important to me than just simply providing someone else's physical and emotional needs. Knowing that when they grow up, that's most likely what they need most to get through life's challenges. I know my plans are not always what God plan's but I entrust this dream to Him. In what ever form this desire inside me is fullfiled, I will accept it. He has put this desire in my heart to take care of children, and create a beautiful life for them. A fair sized house, with a chapel, with children, paintings, books, and garden-farm.

Now I know there is a divine appointment and a divine time for it to happen. But throughout all I experienced in life, I know this is what will make me happy. And I know there many paths that God would say " that isn't your calling", but this is something I want to devout my life into. Not my 8 hours. But my entire life. Far from the idea of being a successful writer, or business owner, or famous in any industry.

I have found something significant for my life to pour into. Now I finally know how people decided what they wanted to do.

They realize that most significant parts of themself.

For me it is writing, my creativity. My spirituality and my motherhood. And it is in the matter of balancing these important parts of oneself, that will create the best version of me. Every dream has its ups and downs but I will know deep down inside that despite the challenges you will always find something to be thankful for. Something to cherish even when things go wrong, and something to hold on to when times are tough. So when life happens and tries to steer me in different directions, I know deep down inside what i want.

I am very well aware of the reality of trying to live a dream life. A fish searching for the ocean when it is already swimming in it. The green pasture always looking good from a distance. And I understand the illusion of always looking for something to add meaning to your life. That's why I remind myself not to keep on looking and longing for the day it happens. But to create and celebrate the dream in small ways I can today. I know I am already in it, I just have to believe it.