How to Spot an Emotional Vampire and a 5-Step Process to Defeat One When You Do

So, what do you do once you spot an emotional vampire sucking up too much of your time and energy? Here is a simple five-step plan for neutralizing their toxic effects.

Your first impulse upon encountering an emotional vampire might be to just roll your eyes and walk away. That can work if the person is someone you never have to see again, but if it's a work colleague, the experts have another suggestion: Try a little empathy. Sure their overdramatizing and self-absorption are annoying, but these behaviors often are just reactions to the same kind of insecurities and anxieties we all struggle with. Recognizing that is more likely to give you the insight (and stamina) you need to negotiate problematic relationships long-term.

We all complain sometimes. The healthy way to do it involves laying out the problem and genuinely searching for solutions. The emotional vampire way to do it is just moan endlessly while looking for ever more validation. Which is why your best bet when confronted with an emotional vampire's endless rants is to gently guide them back to a better mode of complaining.

If your co-worker is complaining about a particular work struggle, for example, say something like, “That sounds really difficult. Have you thought about what you're going to do?: Or maybe, “Have you talked to [the person they are complaining about] directly about it? Did your manager have any advice?” This can remind them that they do have the option of taking action to change their situation. 

You might think that vigorously agreeing with an emotional vampire might give them what they want so that they go away. Not so. Like the classic-blood sucking variety, emotional vampires have an endless thirst, only theirs is for drama. The more you give them, the more they'll demand. Do your best to stay emotionally blank when interacting with them (some call this the gray rock method, as in try as much as possible to resemble a gray rock when interacting with toxic people.)

This isn't rudeness, it's teaching the energy vampire that you are not going to be a reliable source of energy. 

While empathy can give you the stamina to deal with unavoidable emotional vampires, that doesn't mean you should tolerate behavior that leaves you drained. Continue training your emotional vampire that you're useless as a victim by being firm with your boundaries. Tell them at the outset of a conversation, "I only have X minutes to talk," for instance, and stick to your guns.

The goal of this whole process is to keep yourself sane (and your schedule on track). It's totally OK to outright tell an emotional vampire that as long as you do it nicely. Go ahead and tell your drama queen colleagues that you're falling behind and really need to be heads down for awhile. Besides being true, it also encourages them to find more constructive ways to deal with their issues.

Allow the emotional vampires prowling the halls of your office free rein and they'll drain you to a husk. Take the simple steps above and you should be able to preserve your energy for more useful tasks than feeding their egos and taming their anxieties. 

“Yes, the people around us can be insensitive, narcissistic, toxic, and sometimes even abusive, but it is up to us to take that energy on or let it flow through us. No one is responsible for taking away our happiness but us.”

-Aletheia Luna, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing

“If you’ve ever met an energy vampire (and you probably have), you’ll get the distinct feeling that this person has an intense need to prey off the vitality of others. There is a kind of acute neediness present in energy vampires which can be quite overwhelming and depleting to those they come in contact with.”

-Mateo Sol, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing

“Energy vampires prey on others because they are in pain, and their behavior is a disguised cry for help. However, the important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for resolving their issues. While you can offer help to an energy vampire, it is ultimately their responsibility to sort our their struggles.”

-Aletheia Luna, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing

“An energy vampire can never “steal” energy from us unless we consciously or unconsciously permit them to.”

-Mateo Sol, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing