The Art of Loving

A premise behind the attitude that there is nothing to be learned about love is the assumption that the problem of love is the problem of an object, not the problem of a faculty.

Another error leading to the assumption that there is nothing to be learned about love lies in the confusion between the initial experience of "falling" in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, "standing" in love.

Any theory of love must begin with a theory of man, of human existence.

The deepest need of man is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness.

Woman is not a castrated man, and her sexuality is specifically feminine and not of "a masculine nature".

Sexual attraction between the sexes is only partly motivated by the need for removal of tension; it is mainly the need for union with the other sexual pole.

For most children before the age from eight and a half to ten, the problem is almost exclusively that of being loved (of being loved for what one is).

• To give has become more satisfactory, more joyous, then to receive.
• To love, more important even than being loved. By loving, he has left the prison cell of aloneness and isolation which was constituted by the state of narcissism and self-centeredness.

• In erotic love, two people who were separate become one.
• In motherly love, two people who were one become separate.

• Brotherly love is love among equals.
• Motherly love is love for the helpless.

In erotic love, there is an exclusiveness which is lacking in brotherly love and motherly love. Frequently the exclusiveness of erotic love is misinterpreted as meaning possessive attachment.

Love, in principle, is indivisible as far as the connection between "objects" and one's own self is concerned.

If love is a capacity of the mature, productive character, it follows that the capacity to love in an individual living in any given culture depends on the influence this culture has on the character of the average person.

To be concentrated in relation to others means primarily to be able to listen. Most people listen to others, or even give advice, without really listening.