Gaslighting is a form of control where the victim begins to question reality. For example, your parents might insist some trauma in your childhood never happened. They’ll smile and say, “Oh you are just imagining things, that never happened!” Your partner may swear they were never late getting home, even though you’ve seen them come home hours late every night. Gaslighting will cause some of the biggest fights you’ll ever have in a relationship. Don’t back down from calling it out.

There was never an issue

Not only are we deceived <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6357939/">more than we </a>realize, manipulators often forget they are doing it. The behavior was ingrained during childhood. It got them what they wanted, out of trouble, into good graces. It went unchecked for years. By the time you deal with them as adults, they are very good at what they do. Here are four signs their smile means you are being played like a fiddle.

Four fake gestures that are actually manipulative.

Humans <a href="https://www.umass.edu/preferen/gintis/SocJusticeRes.pdf">are strongly reciprocal </a>in nature. Healthy relationships are built on giving and getting in return. A gulf in reciprocity creates a power imbalance. This is why gifts are a common tool for manipulation.

The curse of gifts

Ben Franklin had a political enemy who was making speeches against him. Franklin <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect#cite_note-2">remembered an </a>old quote, “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.” Then he asked that political enemy to loan him a rare book. Then, Ben returned it to him with a nice thank you note. Suddenly, their political rivalry vanished and Franklin had a new friend.

Ben Franklin effect

As the name implies, it means they give you just enough signals to keep you engaged. They like all your social media posts, send you messages, flirt with you in person. They may have very sporadic communication or seem to come and go in bursts. Or, if you are already dating, and bring up making a commitment, they may get dodgy or turn into a sudden zen philosopher on the virtues of independence.

The threat of breadcrumbing

<ol><li>Asking you to do favors to endear themselves to you. Beware of the Ben Franklin Effect.</li><li>Bestowing you with gifts as a way to create a debt to them. Humans are reciprocal in nature. Strings are often hidden.</li><li>They pretend there was never a problem in the first place. They gaslight you into questioning reality.</li><li>They show just enough interest in you to keep your attention. They are feeding you crumbs with no intention of providing the meal.</li></ol>

Four signs of manipulative behaviour

Not only are we deceived more than we realize, manipulators often forget they are doing it. The behavior was ingrained during childhood. It got them what they wanted, out of trouble, into good…