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Why Is It So Hard to Apologize? - Mindful

The Chance to Move Forward

When people focus on their core values, they seem to become more willing to sincerely apologize.

By understanding the many barriers to an apology— the indifference to another’s pain or the fraying of a relationship—we can glimpse what’s holding us back from saying “I’m sorry” in a particular situation.

From there, we have the opportunity to change course and let the healing begin.

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Why Is It So Hard to Apologize? - Mindful

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Key Ideas

A Long, Hard Look in the Mirror

Apologies bring us face-to-face with the fact that we have something to apologize for, triggering a sense of guilt and shame.

Saying sorry puts one’s shameful behavior out there. That’s why transgressors often view an apology as threatening to their self-image and consequently hesitate to offer one.

How to Make a Good Apology

A high-quality apology has three elements:

It accepts responsibility for the wrong and doesn’t even hint that outside forces, or the victim, caused the offender to do what they did.
It’s unqualified. If the apology contains a “but,” it fails. There’s time later—after the injury has had time to heal—to bring up any qualifications that might be relevant to future interactions.
It offers to make amends to avoid the transgression in the future.

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The Lost Art Of Apologizing (And How To Do It Right Every Time)

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We've all been hurt by other people. You've also hurt people yourself. Whether the transgression was accidental or intentional, it hurts. Sometimes a loss of trust like this is temporary and can be healed. Other times, it leaves long-term scars, discord, and irreparable damage that ultimately ends the relationship.

Key Ideas

Be sincere

The only time to apologize is when you’re genuinely remorseful.

Avoid any apology that is forced. The person you are apologizing to will pick up on your ...

Be honest and vulnerable

In order to show your sincerity when apologizing, you must be honest and vulnerable. That can lead to the cultivation of meaningful relationships. It can also lead to rejection, which is what makes it so scary.

When you apologize, be willing to share openly and candidly, allowing emotions to flow freely, so that you can be fully seen.

Admit fault

Take responsibility for your actions and admit your mistakes or transgressions. State them out loud. Yes, it will be scary. It will feel shameful for a time. But it is worth it.

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The Art of the Apology

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We've all met people who never apologize, who proudly tell you that their family has a no-apology reputation that goes back generations. This tough stance is often mixed with notions of fierce independence, personal pride, and an every-man-for-himself mentality. Apologizing, according to this mindset, shows weakness and vulnerability; once you do, you're in danger of being taken advantage of.

Key Idea

Apologies are not about right and wrong

They're about taking responsibility for unintentionally (or even intentionally) hurting someone emotionally or physically.

You apologize less because of you and your c...

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The Art and Science of Apologizing

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Amy Ebesu Hubbard, the study's lead author and the communicology department chair at the University of Hawaii, Manoa, said the findings suggest that apologies function in several ways. "Showing remorse and seeking forgiveness are only part of the story," she said.

Key Ideas

An apology

An apology is one of the most profound interactions two human beings can have with one another.

Research by Lazare and others suggests effective apologies—meaning those that are accepted by ...

Timing

When people make the common mistake of saying they’re sorry too quickly, they can miss a crucial step towards reconciliation.

If someone commits a serious transgression, it’s best to apologize only after the victim has had a chance to “yell and vent” and fully process the betrayal.

Apologies that come too late, like those that come too early, are likely to fail; the sweet spot is somewhere between the two.

Assuring the victim

Assure the victim that the bad behavior won’t happen again.

You should be more focused on the other person, making sure they really believe that you get what you did wrong. Without that emphasis on the other person’s emotional state—and the promise of change—an apology sounds insincere.

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