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4 Ways To Forgive And Let Go

Let go

Fully letting go of a past transgression and completely forgiving may take many months or years.

You may have a phase of feeling better and then realize that you are still grieving or angry. Be patient. It is a process.

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4 Ways To Forgive And Let Go

4 Ways To Forgive And Let Go

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-forgive_b_2765676

huffpost.com

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Key Ideas

Understanding

The first step in forgiveness is to understand "why" someone acts the way they do. What are they trying to protect? What are they afraid of? What basic skills did they learn (or not learn) from their family of origin?

Understanding "why" breeds compassion and helps loosen the ties that bind us to blame.

Feel and express your emotions

Until we fully release our emotions, they continue to affect our present mindset.

  • Do anger work. Allow yourself to be fully disappointed, sad or depressed. Talk about it.
  • Write a letter. Purging emotions out on paper give them a place to live outside of yourself.
  • Talk to the person (if possible). This is only helpful if it is safe for you to speak with the person. It is usually not effective when you are angry or until you have processed your emotions significantly on your own.

Rebuild safety

Create new boundaries for yourself within the relationship.

This may mean you no longer see the person, end the relationship or establish new guidelines.

Let go

Fully letting go of a past transgression and completely forgiving may take many months or years.

You may have a phase of feeling better and then realize that you are still grieving or angry. Be patient. It is a process.

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Forgiveness
By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution with it.

This can be a gradual process—and it doesn't necessarily include the person ...

Why forgiveness is so hard
  • You're filled with thoughts of retribution or revenge
  • You enjoy feeling superior
  • You don't know how to resolve the situation
  • You're addicted to the adrenaline that anger provides
  • You self-identify as a "victim"
  • You're afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect—or lose your connection.
When you desire to forgive

If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts.

  • Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened, how you felt about it and how it made you react.
  • Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries?
  • Think about the other person. When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way?
  • Decide if you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting

It’s highly unlikely that you’ll ever be able to forget a serious wrong committed against you. But it’s a mistake to assume that because your mind is drawn to a specific thought or memor...

Forgiveness and anger don’t mix

It’s normal to feel anger towards your offender. But unchecked anger often leads to unhelpful amounts of mental elaboration over the wrongs done to you.

When you notice yourself feeling angry, pause briefly and acknowledge the anger, then ask yourself if your anger will do you any good in the long-term. Just because your anger is justified doesn’t mean it’s helpful.

Forgiveness does not mean endorsement

Acceptance does not mean endorsement or justification.  Acceptance means acknowledging that you don’t have power or control over the past.

Accept the offense against you without excusing it. The key to taking control of your future is choosing to let go of the desire to control the past.

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Go home

The first step in recovery is to go home. We all have a home, whether in our friendships or in our family. ...

Spend time with your friends

Friendships (if you are lucky enough to find the right friends) are unconditional, reciprocal and capable of nourishing your heart back to full if you allow them to.

Grief does you, you don’t do grief

Grief is like a squall in the middle of the ocean. It comes without warning and despite how hard you try to avoid it or suppress it, you can’t. Let the tears, screams and sobs pour out of you.

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