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4 Ways To Forgive And Let Go
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Understanding
The first step in forgiveness is to understand "why" someone acts the way they do. What are they trying to protect? What are they afraid of? What basic skills did they learn (or not learn) from their family of origin?
Understanding "why" breeds compassion and helps loosen the ties that bind us to blame.
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Feel and express your emotions
Until we fully release our emotions, they continue to affect our present mindset.
- Do anger work. Allow yourself to be fully disappointed, sad or depressed. Talk about it.
- Write a letter. Purging emotions out on paper give them a place to live outside of yourself.
- Talk to the person (if possible). This is only helpful if it is safe for you to speak with the person. It is usually not effective when you are angry or until you have processed your emotions significantly on your own.
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Rebuild safety
Create new boundaries for yourself within the relationship.
This may mean you no longer see the person, end the relationship or establish new guidelines.
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Forgiveness
This can be a gradual process—and it doesn't necessarily include the person ...
Why forgiveness is so hard
- You're filled with thoughts of retribution or revenge
- You enjoy feeling superior
- You don't know how to resolve the situation
- You're addicted to the adrenaline that anger provides
- You self-identify as a "victim"
- You're afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect—or lose your connection.
When you desire to forgive
If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts.
- Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened, how you felt about it and how it made you react.
- Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries?
- Think about the other person. When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way?
- Decide if you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her.