It means describing the world the way your counterpart sees it in your words.An accurate summary makes your counterpart say “that’s right” instead of “you’re right.” “That’s right” means your counterpart feels heard AND understood.

Summarizing

Listening is not hearing to respond. It’s hearing to understand. Effective listening helps you understand the other’s perspective and underlying feelings. It helps you hear what’s not said.The ideal balance is to listen 60 percent and speak 40 percent of the time.

Listening

"Conversational competence is the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills…… Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

Excessive communication ends conversations before they begin.Fewer words create a deeper impact. They let your counterpart absorb your words and think over them. And silence is also an important part of brevity.

Brevity

Constructive conversations are held on mutual ground, where the speaker uses analogies relevant to the listener to explain how things work from a broader perspective.

Building Mutual Ground

We tend to trust people whose emotions are authentic, whose actions are in sync with their words.Genuineness comes when you care about your counterpart and want the outcome to benefit everyone involved.

Genuineness

It means you understand your counterpart’s feelings and hear what’s behind them.

Empathy

It transfers ideas from one mind to another and removes all obstacles from the way. Such a conversation feels as relaxing as a Sunday afternoon in your pajamas.

A constructive conversation

You don’t have to feel your counterpart’s emotions to understand them better. You can label them. It means validating and acknowledging them.The most effective labels of emotions start with phrases like:<ul><li>It seems like… you feel ...</li><li>It sounds like… you feel ...</li><li>It looks like… you’re worried that ...</li></ul>

Labeling Emotions

Labeling emotions means validating and acknowledging them. According to Voss, using rational words to describe emotions disrupts their raw intensity. The most effective labels of emotions start with phrases like: It seems like... you feel I don't pay attention to you anymore. It sounds like... you feel disappointed because he can do better.

EDUCATOR PAUL BARNWELL