It transfers ideas from one mind to another and removes all obstacles from the way. Such a conversation feels as relaxing as a Sunday afternoon in your pajamas.

A constructive conversation

"Conversational competence is the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills…… Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

Listening is not hearing to respond. It’s hearing to understand. Effective listening helps you understand the other’s perspective and underlying feelings. It helps you hear what’s not said.The ideal balance is to listen 60 percent and speak 40 percent of the time.

Listening

It means you understand your counterpart’s feelings and hear what’s behind them.

Empathy

You don’t have to feel your counterpart’s emotions to understand them better. You can label them. It means validating and acknowledging them.The most effective labels of emotions start with phrases like:<ul><li>It seems like… you feel ...</li><li>It sounds like… you feel ...</li><li>It looks like… you’re worried that ...</li></ul>

Labeling Emotions

It means describing the world the way your counterpart sees it in your words.An accurate summary makes your counterpart say “that’s right” instead of “you’re right.” “That’s right” means your counterpart feels heard AND understood.

Summarizing

Excessive communication ends conversations before they begin.Fewer words create a deeper impact. They let your counterpart absorb your words and think over them. And silence is also an important part of brevity.

Brevity

Constructive conversations are held on mutual ground, where the speaker uses analogies relevant to the listener to explain how things work from a broader perspective.

Building Mutual Ground

We tend to trust people whose emotions are authentic, whose actions are in sync with their words.Genuineness comes when you care about your counterpart and want the outcome to benefit everyone involved.

Genuineness

<div>
Labeling emotions means validating and acknowledging them. According to Voss, using rational words to describe emotions disrupts their raw intensity.
The most effective labels of emotions start with phrases like:
<ul>
	<li>
It seems like... you feel I don't pay attention to you anymore.</li>
	<li>
It sounds like... you feel disappointed because he can do better.</li>
	<li>
It looks like... you're worried that the team will miss its deadline.</li>
</ul> 
Notice the absence of "I think" and "This is just my perspective." The presence of "I" puts the emphasis on you, risks making them feel like you're imposing your thoughts on them, and puts their guard up.
Your own emotions are a vital part of the conversation too. Label them too.
When someone we care about shares how things are not going well, it's tempting to feel their pain. But that impedes our listening and negatively impacts events that follow.
People also try to balance their counterpart's emotions with the opposite extreme. They play devil's advocate if their counterpart is optimistic. Or act chirpy if the other feels low. My ex expected me to brighten up while I was feeling low each time she flashed a dazzling smile. Not only did it fail, it also upset her because I "didn't care enough about her."
People don't behave like this to make their counterpart feel better. They do it to make themselves feel better.
Don't make it about you. It's not your responsibility to change your counterpart's mood or behavior (at least not so early in a conversation).
Summarizing doesn't mean imposing your point of view on your counterpart, or parroting their words back to them. That feels patronizing.
It means describing the world the way your counterpart sees it in your words. It
An accurate summary makes your counterpart say "that's right" instead of "you're right." Subtle difference in words, but a huge difference in mindset.
Think about the last time someone bothered you - a salesperson, boss, colleague, or partner. What did you say to them end the conversation? That's right, you said "you're right." The signal was as loud as a siren: stop talking.
"You're right" also means that while people agree with your views, they'll continue to stick to their beliefs.
"That's right" means your counterpart feels heard AND understood. These words break deadlocks, move things forward, and make it easier to <a href="http://aryatra.com/improve-yourself/">achieve the goal</a>.
If you follow points 1, 2 and 3, this is a cakewalk.
News flash: over-communication is not preferred.
How did you feel when your mother repeated the same set of instructions over and over again? (My mom still does, and it makes me want to pull my hair out.)
Excessive communication ends conversations before they begin.
Fewer words create a deeper impact. They let your counterpart absorb your words and think over them.
Silence is an important part of brevity. Sometimes, silence means your counterpart is thinking. Sometimes it means they're uncomfortable. Sometimes they want you to go on. Sometimes they're waiting for you to shut the hell up.
Listen to this silence and its underlying meaning. Then adapt.
Cracks in a conversation appear for two reasons. One, the speaker suffers from the curse of the expert. Two, she underestimates the counterpart's ability to understand.
The curse of the expert makes speakers 'jargon'-ize a topic and ramble about it because their knowledge of the subject is miles ahead of their counterparts.
Underestimating a counterpart's ability to understand makes a speaker dumb down a topic so much that it puts off the listener. ( <a href="https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/mansplaining-definition-history">Mansplaining</a> is an example.)
Constructive conversations are held on mutual ground, where the speaker uses analogies relevant to the listener to explain how things work from a broader perspective.
A conversation is not constructive if one party has an ulterior motive, or disguises what it wants as an offer for the counterpart. People's BS-radar has shot through the roof; they can smell a hypocrite from a mile away.
A <a href="https://www.forbes.com/colleges/university-of-connecticut/school-of-business/">Foster School of Business</a> study showed that people are skeptical to accept emotional intelligence at face value. They trust people whose emotions are authentic, whose actions are in sync with their words.
Genuineness comes when you care about your counterpart and want the outcome to benefit everyone involved. It's what makes practicing the above points possible.
</div>

Labeling emotions means validating and acknowledging them. According to Voss, using rational words to describe emotions disrupts their raw intensity. The most effective labels of emotions start with phrases like: It seems like... you feel I don't pay attention to you anymore. It sounds like... you feel disappointed because he can do better.

The 7 Components of a Constructive Conversation

A constructive conversation

EDUCATOR PAUL BARNWELL

Listening

Empathy

Labeling Emotions

Summarizing

Brevity

Building Mutual Ground

Genuineness

It's time to
Read like a Pro.

How to Control Your Emotions During a Difficult Conversation

How to Master the Art of Listening

7 Ways to Talk Like Shakespeare

The 7 Components of a Constructive Conversation

A constructive conversation

EDUCATOR PAUL BARNWELL

Listening

Empathy

Labeling Emotions

Summarizing

Brevity

Building Mutual Ground

Genuineness

It's time to Read like a Pro.

How to Control Your Emotions During a Difficult Conversation

How to Master the Art of Listening

7 Ways to Talk Like Shakespeare

It's time to
Read like a Pro.