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The 7 Components of a Constructive Conversation
Listening
Listening is not hearing to respond. It’s hearing to understand. Effective listening helps you understand the other’s perspective and underlying feelings. It helps you hear what’s not said.
The ideal balance is to listen 60 percent and speak 40 percent of the time.
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A constructive conversation
It transfers ideas from one mind to another and removes all obstacles from the way. Such a conversation feels as relaxing as a Sunday afternoon in your pajamas.
"Conversational competence is the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills…… Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"
Listening
Listening is not hearing to respond. It’s hearing to understand. Effective listening helps you understand the other’s perspective and underlying feelings. It helps you hear what’s not said.
The ideal balance is to listen 60 percent and speak 40 percent of the time.
Labeling Emotions
You don’t have to feel your counterpart’s emotions to understand them better. You can label them. It means validating and acknowledging them.
The most effective labels of emotions start with phrases like:
- It seems like… you feel ...
- It sounds like… you feel ...
- It looks like… you’re worried that ...
Summarizing
It means describing the world the way your counterpart sees it in your words.
An accurate summary makes your counterpart say “that’s right” instead of “you’re right.” “That’s right” means your counterpart feels heard AND understood.
Brevity
Excessive communication ends conversations before they begin.
Fewer words create a deeper impact. They let your counterpart absorb your words and think over them. And silence is also an important part of brevity.
Building Mutual Ground
Constructive conversations are held on mutual ground, where the speaker uses analogies relevant to the listener to explain how things work from a broader perspective.
Genuineness
We tend to trust people whose emotions are authentic, whose actions are in sync with their words.
Genuineness comes when you care about your counterpart and want the outcome to benefit everyone involved.
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Emotions During a Difficult Conversation
It’s hard not to get worked up emotionally when you’re in a tense conversation: a disagreement can feel like a threat.
But if your body goes into “fight or flight” mode, ...
Breathe
When you start noticing yourself getting tense, try to focus on breathing (on feeling the air coming in and out of your lungs).
This will take your attention off the physical signs of panic and keep you centered.
Focus on your body
Sitting still when you’re having a difficult conversation can make the emotions build up rather than dissipate.
Standing up and walking around helps to activate the thinking part of your brain.
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Listening requires mental work
Mistakes we make in conversations
- Evaluate: We judge what someone is saying and agree or disagree.
- Probe: We ask questions from our own frame of reference.
- Advise: We give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
- Interpret: We analyze others' motives and behaviors based on our own experiences.
What makes a great listener
- Asking great questions;
- Playing attention to the nonverbal communication;
- Forgoing taking detailed notes to pay better attention;
- Listening with the intent to understand, not the intent to respond;
- Making people feel heard;
- Following up on what matters.
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Communication needs improvement if:
- You are having trouble getting through to your spouse; you talk about the same issue over and over again without coming to an agreement.
- You seem unable to have a decent conversation...
Just Communicate
It is difficult to discuss some sensitive subjects, and we are tempted to avoid them. Other times we simply expect our partners to know what we are doing, thinking or what we want.
It is much better to get things out in the open regularly rather than waiting to have big rows that might damage your relationship.
Listen actively
Be curious about your partner’s point of view rather than trying to anticipate every situation. Active listening involves:
- Paying attention to your partner.
- Tolerating your silence.
- Paying attention to your partner’s nonverbal communication.
- Reflecting and paraphrasing what your partner is saying: I hear you say you feel angry when I ….. Is that what you are saying?
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