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Building Mutual Ground
Constructive conversations are held on mutual ground, where the speaker uses analogies relevant to the listener to explain how things work from a broader perspective.
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Genuineness
We tend to trust people whose emotions are authentic, whose actions are in sync with their words.
Genuineness comes when you care about your counterpart and want the outcome to benefit everyone involved.
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Brevity
Excessive communication ends conversations before they begin.
Fewer words create a deeper impact. They let your counterpart absorb your words and think over them. And silence is also an important part of brevity.
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A constructive conversation
It transfers ideas from one mind to another and removes all obstacles from the way. Such a conversation feels as relaxing as a Sunday afternoon in your pajamas.
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"Conversational competence is the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills…… Is there any 21st-century skill more importa...
EDUCATOR PAUL BARNWELL
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Labeling Emotions
You don’t have to feel your counterpart’s emotions to understand them better. You can label them. It means validating and acknowledging them.
The most effective labels of emotions start with phrases like:
- It seems like… you feel ...
- It sounds like… you feel ...
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Listening
Listening is not hearing to respond. It’s hearing to understand. Effective listening helps you understand the other’s perspective and underlying feelings. It helps you hear what’s not said.
The ideal balance is to listen 60 percent and speak 40 percent of the time.
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Summarizing
It means describing the world the way your counterpart sees it in your words.
An accurate summary makes your counterpart say “that’s right” instead of “you’re right.” “That’s right” means your counterpart feels heard AND understood.
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Be honest and make mutual decisions
Every big decision you make needs to be mutual and where you both don't have any hidden feelings about it.
Disagreement on trivial things is normal but decisions about housing, cars, visa applications are things where you both need to be completely honest and willing to compromise over.
Be cautious with personal experiences
Being empathetic in conversations is another key to become a good listener.
However, there might be cases that the speaker is sharing the same experiences you had before. You might somehow overcome it, but the speaker hasn’t.
You may use your own experiences to show your relation to ...
2. Ground Your Constructive Criticism In Behavior
Constructive criticism clearly describes the behavior that you want changed. Examples:
- Don’t say they are irresponsible, provide the dates when they have come in late.
- Don’t say they are disrespectful, reference how they roll their eyes and sigh.
- Don’t say they...
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