33. "Corrupt cops are just undercover criminals."

34. "The brain not only named itself, but it also recognized that it named itself and was surprised when it realized that."

35. "If you drive a new car, you are rich. If you drive an old car, you are poor. But if you drive a super old ...

5. "I have seen more of the surface of the Moon with my own eyes than I have of Earth."

6. "Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s just, like, take whatever bag you want."

7. "At special occasions, girls with curly...

17. "The movie industry considers you to be an adult when you're 17 to see an R-rated movie, but they conveniently lower that age to 13 when they are deciding who pays adult ticket prices."

18. "Imagine how rich you would've had to be 200 years ago to have music playing in the background wh...

37. "Your eraser dies slowly because of your mistakes."

38. "If you see someone wearing a $20,000 watch, it's hard to know if they're really good with money or really bad with money."

39. "If your identical twin got plastic surgery, it would be hard not to feel a little insulted."

41. "We use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, placemats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off the placemats."

42. "It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly."

43. "...

21. "When we're young, we sneak out of our houses to go to parties. When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home."

22. "You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner."

23. "A different version of you exists in the minds of ...

13. "Pets are the one-percenters of animals."

14. "When medication says 'do not operate heavy machinery,' they're probably mainly referring to cars, but my mind always goes to a forklift."

15. "If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog...

53. "It's always easy to fall asleep on a couch unless you're actually trying to fall asleep on a couch."

54. "Your belly button is just your old mouth."

45. "A successful marriage ends with watching the other person die."

46. "The person who invented audio recording probably thought it didn't work right when their voice sounded different in the recording."

47. "If you're 25 years old, you've already been around for more than 10% of Am...

29. "All the curves and ups and down of an ear would make for a great skatepark."

30. "Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself."

31. "Accidentally liking someone's post while snooping through their profile is the digital ...

49. "Cars make such good weapons that you have to learn how not to kill people with them."

50. "Whenever you buy and eat half a chicken, you are secretly sharing a meal with a stranger."

51. "It's crazy that something like a Walmart gift card is printed on plastic, but my social secur...

1. "The only part of your reflection you can lick is your tongue."

2. "The best part of a cucumber tastes like the worst part of a watermelon."

3. "Drinking water with a minty mouth is the cold version of spicy."

4. "It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend you...